How Can You Create a Happy Marriage and Still Crossdress?

| Jun 2, 2014
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Many crossdressers fear once their wives (70% of them) find out that you are under-dressing or dressing en femme secretly, their marriages will fail. If you want her trust in you or in your marriage — know that the TRUTH is essential and it will take time for her to even begin to make sense out of it. And sometimes the trust is so eroded — no cleanser could clean up the mess your chosen lies left behind.

Now what? Own up. Be honest. The more transparent you are – the more she is learning about you, your childhood history, how you feel, what makes you tick and most importantly, why you NEED to crossdress.


Some crossdresser’s wives maintain clear cut, set BOUNDARIES, and claim to be much happier than those that do not have boundaries. If wives believe their husbands are respecting their boundaries, the trust can and often does grow.

  • If you want to keep your marriage intact – understand – when she tells you she cannot accept you dressing up in front of her — Respect her BOUNDARIES — for often they are the deal breakers.
  • If she tells you never to dress up in the household — Respect her!
  • If she tells you she never wants to see you dressed up — Respect her!
  • If she tells you to stop spending so much community property money on your wardrobe — Respect her!
  • If she tells you never to dress up outside — Respect her!
  • If she tells you to stop wearing her clothes, makeup and jewelry — Respect her!

Remember, the lack of respect for BOUNDARIES is what causes even more serious attacks against the marriage. None of the aforementioned would be necessary if she had knowingly entered into a marriage with a crossdresser. Therefore, in order for the marriage to be repaired it requires honesty and respect for her boundaries. What can she accept and what is non-negotiable is up to her. Yes, you can leave if you cannot live up to her needs as a crossdresser’s wife.

Granted this is not easy for any crossdresser — but for once can you please put yourself out of your high heels and have consideration and compassion for the woman YOU chose to be a crossdresser’s wife. Overwhelmingly, the majority of you made that decision for your innocent wives. Understand – this time it is not about you! It is about her needs.

It could be your wife of 20 years who just found out that all along she was the clueless wife, who came home early and to her horror found you dressed up in lingerie, satisfying yourself — as you were watching CD porn. She deserves to be told the truth, be heard, understood and respected. Many crossdressers claim they cannot stop crossdressing — nonetheless — you can start respecting your wife’s needs, emotions and most of all, respect her boundaries.

Start counseling — single and or couples therapy. Know that this is not only hard for you — since you know what is coming. Meanwhile — your wife is getting blindsided. Most wives need time. Give it to her. If you truly love her — tell her before she finds out. If you get “outed’” during the marriage — all I can say to some of you is DIVORCE is a bitch, but some say it is worth the price!


Dee A Levy, MA
The Cross Dresser’s Wife * Our Secret Lives

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion


About the Author ()

Dee A. Levy is the former spouse of a crossdresser. She has a BA in Women Studies and MA in Social Sciences and Comparative Education. She is the author of The Cross Dresser's Wife -- Our Secret Lives, available at, Kindle, Barnes and Noble, &

Comments (2)

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  1. Dee Dee says:

    “…Cross dressing is a lie that men are forced to keep.”

    Cross dressers are often narcissistic. It is outrageous that a grown up male-who is seriously involved (married/life partners) with a woman-is forced to make his wife a cross dresser wife. No one has the moral right to make their future wife a cross dressers wife-for the rest of her life.
    Please note-even most other CD, TG, & TS KNOW that cross dressers have the responsibility to tell their future wife their BIG LIFELONG SECRET. Your secret can hurt her emotionally, mentally, etc and some CDW claim-their lives were ruined by your lies
    I think it is important to send the right message to all cross dressers-BE HONEST. They are big boys now…so it is time to for them to put their big boy pants on!and take responsibility to tell the whole truth.


  2. says:

    Hi Dee, it’s glad to see you writing again. If you remember me I’m Joanie and I wrote you in early march about the considerations of our society and that crossdressing is a lie that men are forced to keep.
    Firstly I so believe you are right in it is the lie that brings down a marriage more then the cross dressing. And my desire is to have no marriage begin with a lie. I would love to work with you and everyone else to make that a reality.

    But how do we do this?

    I think we need to really understand what crossdressing is and why it’s done. After all, women have been doing it for as long.
    The manifestations of crossdressing and cross dressers over this post modern time have created the stereotypical images that most fear or deplore anytime it is mentioned with men, it is looked at in reverence when it is seen in women. Why is this? Because we expect “men” to be a certain masculinity with out exception and if he is not he is in most cases thought to be weak, unsuccessful, homosexual, perverted, shameful and undesirable. Can you blame any guy who has a femininity for hiding? I mean it seems this society wants to beat any inkling if femininity out of the guy so that her performs to some social standard. Can you imagine telling women that they have to perform in some narrow and specific regulations about being a woman?

    As I’ve mentioned to you before, it is unfair to have to hide a natural character of your self image, a man and a woman have many variables both sexual and in their gender expression. Because some of those expressions aren’t in the majority it doesn’t mean that we devalue and void them in our society. Fortunately the younger generation is getting that sex and gender are not the same and the expressions of gender come in many forms. If we desire honesty in all of our lives endeviours we have to begin looking at the truth. A crossdressing man hides because hi is forced to from the moment his is told “boys do not!”