Hormones: It’s a love hate thing

I have a cycle. It’s just like the ones that cisgender girls have only less of a mess. My emotions range from terrible anger, just because you said good morning, to depression. I can count on it coming around the 13^th of every month. This month it was horrible and my fiancée took the worst of it. May I say right now that she went beyond what even an angel would have done.

The first time I body shaved was in December in 2015. I still had not come out at this time, and was not even on hormones yet. However, Chrissy was fighting to get out of the closet and into the world. I had a long distance girlfriend at the time who did not like “her man” being hairless so I let the hair grow back again, and got rid of the few girl things I had. Sadly for my girlfriend, Chrissy would not behave herself and the dysphoria got to be so bad I had to shave again. That was the end of that relationship.

It was August 14 of 2017 at my therapist office that I set my mind and heart to be who I truly was on the inside; Chrissy. So that day after my visit I began to ask my friends to call me by my true name. I have to say I don’t even know where the name Chrissy came from. I didn’t have a conversation with myself about what name I wanted to be called. It was as if the name was always inside me.

My first visit with my transition doctor was February 28 of 2017. He gave me a stack of paperwork to take home and read. You know all the bad things that can go wrong with taking hormones and more papers of what to expect in my development. So I made another appoint in 2 weeks to come back and sign the forms. Then I made an appointment with the lab and two weeks after that I got my first prescription for estradiol and finasteride because I was balding in the middle.

After that I gave myself permission to start looking at girl clothes and doing things like trying on shoes. Yes it was embarrassing because to be totally honest, I was one ugly woman. I got the courage by telling myself that if I had to be ashamed of what I was doing, then I shouldn’t be doing it at all. Was it easy? No, absolutely not. I remember the first time I wore dangly earrings in public I was terrified. In fact I even lost one of them before the day was over. It’s not easy to be a girl.

Then I set my sights on looking more like a girl. I was tired of people still calling me sir. I started watching YouTube as much time as I could spend on it. Everything from how to walk, and carry yourself more like a woman. I would watch girls at the bus stop observing how they would stand, or where they placed their hands.

I was determined to learn how to use makeup. This was the hardest challenge to overcome. There are so many products, and so many differing techniques for doing it. How did I learn what works bests for me? The same way you get to Carnegie Hall, practice, practice, practice. The best decision I made was buying my first makeup at the dollar store. I know some of you are freaking out saying you should always buy the best you can afford. I agree once you have a handle on what you are doing, but when you are starting and don’t have a clue as to what to do, why buy products that may not look good on you. At the dollar store you can buy a lot of makeup and if it doesn’t work for you, you’re not out half your paycheck. 

As far as my personal technique, what I came up with is a combination of cisgender and drag makeup. It’s not totally either one but a blending of styles. Drag is all about overcoming the damage done by testosterone poisoning by teaching you how to feminize your face. Still, drag makeup is exaggerated for entertainment. That’s where the cis girl part comes in. It teaches you how to make the most out of your best features. I think I have done a pretty good job of blending the two. I am now able to walk through the world as just another girl on the street.

Fashion. That’s a whole other can of worms. Some transgender girls will tell you to dress appropriate for you natural age. I say forget that and dress the way that makes you comfortable and happy. I’m perfectly comfortable in short dresses and high heels. Yes sometimes I do stand out as too sexy for my age, but hey, I spent half my life wearing what was expected of me. Now it’s my turn. So if I want to wear short shorts on a hot summer day, that’s what I do. Do I get my share of perverts? Yes but then again so does every other woman I know.

Oh, and back to the main theme of this article. The love/hate thing I have with hormones. I absolutely love having breasts, I’m a natural 36D. I love the way my face is starting to shape up to be more female. My butt is bigger now too. I remember once the doctor was looking at my lab reports and she looked back at me and said, “Well it’s obvious your body really likes being on estrogen.” The hate is the weight I have put on. My girl is helping with that. She says she wants me around for a long time. Is it any wonder I love that woman?

So until next time:

I am strong, I am beautiful, and Trans proud.

Chrissy

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Tags: featured, hormones, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul