Holiday Memories

Every holiday, like this one, I get sentimental and start to reminisce. This Easter was no exception. I have a file on my computer that has photos of my TG memories that date back the late ‘90s. As an Easter Special, I thought I would share some photos and a couple of great adventure stories that I had in the early days. I called them “episodes” back then, much like Laura Jane Grace did. She mentioned these in her book. These particular episodes of mine rose to the title of Epic Adventure. They were like episodes on steroids.

Amanda, 1991.

In June of 1991, I had known my eventual wife for about 9 months. Her family had to go away to a family funeral hundreds of miles away in Indianapolis. They asked me to watch the house. Of course, all of her clothes plus a place to stay in private became available to me. I did think that it was a little bit fucked up wearing her clothes, but you know how that works. The chance to be myself overpowered any shame of wearing my girlfriend’s clothes. It would be the first time of many through the years.

I don’t even think I slept that night. I just was having too much fun. Just looking into a closet full of trendy, girl clothes was very exciting. She was about 5 foot 8, so things fit me pretty well.  I had fun choosing my outfit and lounging watching girly shows, of course. I eventually got up the courage and drove out of her driveway at around 4:30 a.m. I drove around and stopped at a gas station. It was full serve. An older black man served me. I was 22. I must have looked like a hot, sweet baby. I had super sexy makeup and big Linda Lewis (The Internet Sensation 😉 hair. It was in style then. That was the first time the general public actually heard from Amanda. “Ten dollars please!” I practiced over and over. It was to become an indelible memory. It was thrilling and daring… and a little fucked up. Dawn came and as I was driving around, I wanted guys to stare at me as I passed. I finally got so tired that I returned and took a long nap. ‘Twas an epic time.

2003

Another Epic Adventure was the second time that I went out to the mall. The previous year in 2000, I got a hotel room and gave myself all afternoon, evening and night to enjoy, get ready and go out driving to the mall. I had fooled around too much that year and got to the mall with about 15 minutes left. Oops. I lost track of time. But the next year, 2001, things were different.

It was December of 2001, only 3 months removed from 9/11. If my Dad’s death in late 1999 accelerated things for me to be myself, then 9/11 cemented it. Life was too short, who knew what tomorrow would bring. I didn’t want to waste any more time. I planned Amanda’s Big Adventure II. As the months went on I meticulously gathered items and crossed them off of a list. I formed my “game plan.” There would be no getting to the mall late. There would be nothing to stop me this time. I wanted to shop!

Business woman Amanda, 2010.

Everything went off flawlessly. I had a hot, blonde wig of good quality, nice sexy business attire, a great long leather jacket and some fab lower heels. I wanted to blend in, just as a female coming home from work and stopping at the mall to peruse the retail wares would do. I looked really good. I saw it in the mirror. I was at the height of my technical skills and had planned everything to a T. I felt so real and so right. I never wanted it to end. It became more than just an occasional fantasy. I had fully returned to the level of The Roaring ‘90s Girl Empire I once had. Marriage had put the kibosh on that Empire, and like all empires, it eventually fell.

Shorty after marriage, I was back at it, secretly buying things and building a new Empire in a new age. I had to be much more careful. On that night in December of 2001, the pinnacle of The New Empire was reached. I was on fire. Every cell in my body was happy. I felt every article of clothing from the inside out. Undies, bra, attached forms (so good), corset, sexy business attire, great leather jacket, heels…they all felt so right.

I did end up shopping that night. Not one person even batted an eyelash, except for a few looks from guys, which was nice. I felt validated before I even knew what validation was. But, the time flew by and the mall was closing. I made sure I took a couple of trips to the women’s restroom to check my makeup. I couldn’t use the toilet because I was so taped up with the hosiery and the corset etc. I didn’t want to mess anything up on my precision presentation. I was fine. I even passed someone I knew as I was shopping in the purses. They never even acknowledged me. That was pretty special. She looked at me for a half second, and then looked away with zero reaction. I was just some random girl. That was so thrilling. I was such a girl that night. Everything on me just felt like a great big, tight, tingly hug. I could even feel my nail polish and makeup. I never wanted to go home.

Rocker Amanda, 2010.

Sadly, I have no photos of either of these epic adventures. Shortly after that day in 2001, my wife discovered everything. It was the first she had known about any of my “other” life. It must have been a huge shock. We had been married for 5 years plus 5 more of dating. She was hysterical. I threw everything away and promised that I would never do it again. We all know how that ends. It never ends.

The thing that I really, really regret with every fiber of my being, is throwing away the small album of photos of Me that I had collected from the beginning. I had all of my “Greatest Hits” in there from as far back as 1990. I remember some. I was so cute. I should have stuffed the album in a wall somewhere. I guess I was afraid I would be tempted to start up again by seeing the photos. A few photos of my 1^st and 2^nd Girl Empire still exist today in digital form, but just a precious few. There would be no more “Empires.” From December 2001 to April 2010, I just did what I could and hid stuff in the rafters. I even grew a goatee for a while. It was a dark time, LOL. In 2010, the short road to divorce and transition would be traveled and my two separate lives would be joined into just one Me. 

I never did develop the film from that December day in 2001. I threw away both of the film rolls. That still hurts, even today. That was my history. That was the real Me. I know those photos were great. I looked so good in the full length, awesome mirror that the hotel room had. I even took undies shots and nude shots with my long hair hiding the forms mostly. What I saw in the mirror was what I still want to look like today. It was one incredible day.  Ahhh, the memories. . . .

Tags: closeted, featured, passing, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul