Demons are started so cheaply…
“Kids are taught fight or flight but not how to handle frozen submissive panic. One of my demons that made me hate myself is… if I was taught to scream ‘rape’ or ‘I will tell.’ How many fewer demons to fight?”
The aforementioned is from a new friend of mine who is tormented by his secrets. Living so many years, with so many lies can burden you and keep you from really living a happy, meaningful life. This is part of his story.
He ended up in the foster home care system, which unfortunately too many children are abused instead of being nurtured.
“I did try to tell in my last foster home and she was taking me to confront the molester and asked a question. She asked me. ‘How can you prove it?’ I cried and told her I made it up. The molester I tried to tell on did get caught after three more victims came out that he had molested. She told me but another molester had me in his group by then. She apologized but sorry to this day just is hollow. She tried to apologize but knew I was numb and the weekly shrink sessions intensified questioning — but my armor was too tough and the abuse became my hell/confusion/life…”
First, he was raped while in foster care — he was also forced to dress in women’s clothing and lost his childhood forever. He had the courage to finally tell the foster care mother but she did not support him. He was a frightened little boy — whose predators kept threatening him if he told anyone. Oh yes, sadly there were more sick, violent molesters to come in his young life.
No one had this little boy’s back. He was raped again. All he did was look like he was feeling (alone & scared) and a predator in a store lured him by buying him baseball cards. It worked. My friend feels horrible, he says… “Demons are started so cheaply.” It is called ‘grooming.’ The pervert grooms his victims by gaining their trust somehow and trying to be their friend. The young tortured boy trusted this man enough to show him where the park was. The rest you can well imagine what he did to him once he got him in the car. His life would never, ever be the same. Who could he get to help, support and meet his needs? He did not have a proper age appropriate safety net to catch him or provide him with any form of support. The foster care system failed him, so did society as a whole. Yet, in his eyes he was the failure, he was to blame — it was his entire fault.
This is where the self loathing started, He is not to blame yet he carries the ton of unwarranted guilt on his shoulders — deep down inside he is still that little boy that needs to be rescued from this living nightmare.
Now, he finally discloses part of his past with his wife. She is sadly heart broken to hear about what he has carried with him for so long. She is standing beside him. They love each other and she is accepting and very protective of him and his needs right now yet she doesn’t know everything yet.
However, he is not accepting at all. Instead he is frightened, feels isolated, scared, fearful of his feelings and desires of wanting to become a woman. He finally disclosed his true feelings. Perhaps he is just seeking someone to nurture him and maybe if he becomes his own mother he will be loved and cared for…
Some of you have disclosed your experiences with sexual abuse as a young boy. Can you guide him? Let him know how you recovered — or if you too are struggling with this horrific abusive background.
For those of you who are reading this and can connect with his experiences, have some suggestions or would like to show your support, please feel free to post on here or contact me at [email protected].
Warmly,
Dee A Levy, MA
The Cross Dresser’s Wife * Our Secret Lives
www.crossdreserswives.com
Category: Transgender Body & Soul
About the Author (Author Profile)
Dee A. Levy is the former spouse of a crossdresser. She has a BA in Women Studies and MA in Social Sciences and Comparative Education. She is the author of The Cross Dresser's Wife -- Our Secret Lives, available at Amazon.com, Kindle, Barnes and Noble, & www.crossdresserswives.com.Subscribe
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Its Dee just checking to see how many others might come out. This horrific story is sadly so real and is still happening right now. Rape and the violent controlling acts from early childhood most often severely traumatizes the child. In his case-it never seem to come to an end. Sadly, my new friend is alone with this and seeking help. All information would be held in privacy-all confidential.
Where any of you surprised? And if not, why not? Please share…
warmly,
Dee
Absolutely not myself… I don’t cry, show weakness and my emotional armor was better than a super hero. It was all a lie. I caged them, buried them, tried to burn them from memory and walled them out of my life. A childhood that started in memories of my birth mom being a prostitute.
Where do kids of single mothers that are prostitutes end up? In the back room of massage parlors, brothels, strip clubs or with neighbors of the motel room she works. Kids are not blind, I was not blind. Honestly, the memories of my mom before that night a fellow working girl had someone offer for a child to help her. What does a sucked dick go for by a small child? A question about my past that haunts me. The memory as a child waiting for the police to release your mom from booking for another prostitution arrest with your aunt wanda is priceless and for me permanent.
Oh, the system is there to protect kids and they did. Told my birth mom that she could not have custody of my little brother and why I was with my grand parents in Arizona. Til one xmas when she came and talked my grand parents into letting her take me. Well, the mixture of Cocaine and protective placement for my brother the foster system knew about. I was a kid of a 16yo kicked out of the house that gave me back to grandparents. She and her coke dealer hornball boyfriend thought to hide me by dressing me as a girl. (great thinkers) She was hyper sexual, and he was coked up with a confused boy, did not take long for him to manipulate her into molesting me. Did not take long til a sheriff deputy (female) came to pick up the girl (actually a boy) at school. Brought me back to the house where cop cars were everywhere and a bag of girls clothes was gathered and I taken to Hillcrest receiving foster center. (Drug bust not for molestation) Due to the amount of drugs and worry I would be snatched. A foster placement was arranged immediately and right before I left it was discovered I was not someone that belonged in a dress, tights and my hair was cut to wrong style. Nothing shows motherly love, like her trying to get a better plea deal by reporting him for molesting me. Sealed court records don’t come with sealed memories.
The first foster mom took me out to lunch and we talked and she asked me if we could go shopping. She was beyond what I needed. Mrs. Billingsly Thank you We bought boys clothes, threw out the earrings, and I never saw the girls clothes again. Kids are resilient.
Almost 2 years and my birth grandparents learned I was in the foster system. Without notice or consult I was taken from a home I felt loved in. Brought back to Arizona where this time my favorite uncle was back to the nest and in the same room. Well, my aunt Wanda that out of some guilt my birth mom brought her to watch me after the other prostitute had me participate and knew about my experiences with my birth mom’s coked up boyfriend told my uncle. He is not my favorite uncle anymore. Wanda didn’t think it out and who can guess your brother is a molester?
I acted out, I was in first/second grade for 3rd time due to moves and it wasn’t anything bad. Here is a fun one. I got driven back from Arizona to San Diego to be dropped back into the foster system by my grandparents. I guess the fact their son was molesting their grandson was my fault. disposable kids. The emotional armor was building.
One more bad foster home, 3 weeks, then the Rogers (tommy) were great. I got in stupid kid fight and they still loved me, and had a brother my age. Then without notice or consult the Billingsly found out I was back in the foster system and had me transferred back to their home. Confusion, depression and out of my control feelings (like being molested) caused me to run away and be distant. They wanted to adopt me (but can not due to pending legal and protective placement bureaucracy) The bond I had was gone and their grand daughter my age let some of the court info of my molestation out. There is nothing that makes one feel so angry/scared/small. Having a peer tease you because your mom was a prostitute and worst.
Moved to the Mansualas foster family and awesome again. They after less than a year asked to adopt but the system said my birth mom would not release custody. Then moved to a pre teen group home with mostly molested victims. I was armored up and never talked about it. Apparently, it was obvious but I wasn’t talking no matter how many times they asked. One thing that always confused me that I just figured out was WHY PUT SO MANY SEXUALLY ABUSED KIDS TOGETHER? Because if you put us with just physically abused or regular foster kids we would be abused or feel isolated. New Alternative Group home was my last stop before my last foster home for 7 years and I aged out and endured abuses that no one else needs to be burdened with a much longer story now.
Dory from the Nemo movie “just keep swimming” Survive I hope to articulate my fear, questions and confusion. My dread is someone else endured this and hope is they are coping and have similar demons that we could kill together. I know everyone’s story, path and self is different. Just finally hoping for the light.