Culling Your Closet — Part 2

| Sep 7, 2015
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Dear Ladies and Germs — Today we finish the topic of Wardrobe Purging!

old_shoesLet’s start with shoes. I was researching lady’s shoes today, and was a wee bit surprised to see that platforms are back — but they are. Does this mean that, if you have saved every dang pair of shoes you have ever owned, and some of them are platform shoes from the 1970s, you should keep them? No! It does not! Why, you may ask? Because unless you bought incredibly expensive shoes then, and kept them in a climate-controlled environment, they  can now be classified as crap.

Evil booties from Hell.

Evil booties from Hell.

Shoes, my little droogie-ettes, have a shelf life. They crack, get musty and gross, cease to fit (i.e., they shrink) and worst of all — they go out of style. As style now includes the aforementioned platforms AND those gawd-awful “bootees” that women are now clogging around in, “in style” is harder than ever to define. A good pump never goes out of style, but that’s about it. I heartily recommend that you drag out all of your footwear, put on some hosiery and try them all on.

What should be 86ed? Clearly,anything that doesn’t fit, or hurts your feet. Can you cram your hoofies into nice pumps from 10 years ago? Probably. Should you? Hell, no! Oh sure, you squeeeeze into them, thinking “they’ll stretch.” No, they won’t; and by a few hours into suffering through wearing them, you will be in pain, mincing around with an unflattering grimace, and checking around to see if anybody has some painkillers. Get rid of them, if they don’t fit any more. Ditto ratty shoes, jelly sandals, cracky boots, smelly footwear, and any shoes that make a noise when you put them on.


That bra's gotta go!

That bra’s gotta go!

As someone who winds up in emergency rooms way more often than I would like, the old saw about “always wear clean underwear, you never know when you’ll wind up in the hospital” is my mantra. If you have held on to dingy drawers, for the love of Gawd, throw them out. Ask yourself these questions:

  1. Does it sag?
  2. Does the elastic make a sighing noise when you don them?
  3. Are they dull and ratty?
  4. Do the drawers reach up higher than your navel?
  5. Are there holes in them that are not functional?
  6. Does the back of the bra go up higher than the front?

If any of these are factors, then gather up the offenders and stuff ’em in the trash. We always want to wear pretty, functional unmentionables that are up to the job! If the back of the bra is inching towards your neck, that bra is a goner. The band should be level all the way around; if it’s hiking up, then it isn’t doing the job. And if you should have the misfortune of winding up in the ER, you sure don’t want some dishy intern holding up your knickers and saying “Eeeuuuww,” cuz they will.

It is a real spirit booster to know that you are wearing well-fitting, clean, cute and often slightly naughty lingerie under your well-fitting clothes — it’s the underwear version of Super Girl! (Or Super Woman.) And that your shoes tell the world that you are classy — and comfortable.

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The Occasional Woman

About the Author ()

I am a native Californian who has been based in the Philadelphia area since 1984. My first CD fashion creation was a gold lamé dress for the now esteemed editor of this publication. Since then I have made tons of fabulous frocks and other fashion apparel for the crossdressing and transgender community. Contact me for custom clothing or alterations via email: Visit my Facebook page, @alterationsbylorraine

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