Coping.

It’s been one hell of a month for this chick. So much so that I’ve dragged my soapbox out of storage and dusted it off.

For those of you who haven’t been doing the assigned readings, my month of September was Operatic in scope. On the good side was my trip to the Southern Comfort Conference (SCC) in Atlanta, Ga. Also on the plus side was that my friend Sirena made me a birthday cake and presented it to me at the monthly Renaissance meeting. Actually her wife made it, and they made it because my wife DIDN’T make me one. Why not? Well, that leads to the horrible parts of September.

At the beginning of September, my Mother-in-Law (MIL) threw me out of her house when she discovered that I am Trans. I had two days notice. I activated the plans I made previously when I thought my wife was throwing me out. By that Saturday night, I was ensconced in a room at a friend’s house, living at her kind charity. Two days later, I went to SCC. So, Wife didn’t make me a cake as I was no longer there with her.

Far worse, and far more horrific was the suicide of one of my best friends and my “transition buddy,” Lisa Empanada, on September 16. That set off a week of Crying, for me and all that knew her. (I wrote about this here on TG Forum as well as on my own blog.)

That’s a huge amount of turmoil and pain to cram into thirty days. And it almost broke me.

But it didn’t. I’m still breathing and writing and agitating. So, what’s my secret? Is my Armor truly that thick? Am I really that strong and impervious to pain? Am I a Vulcan?

No, far from. But I coped.

If you Google “coping strategies” you immediately find 11,800,000 results. Seriously — try it yourself. That’s a lot. And not all of them will work.

So. How did I get through it? What are my strategies? Where was I the night of February 30, 1967?

I have multiple coping mechanisms because I have needed them throughout my life, mostly to deal with the volcanic temper I used to have. My first is what psychologists would call my “happy place.” For me, that’s Penn State. To be more specific, I remember an amazing spring day in Happy Valley in 1987. I was on my way to visit my then girlfriend, and my path took me to a large field next to a church. There I had an amazing view of Mount Nittany. The sky was a cloudless blue. I stopped and just looked (something a twenty year old seldom does) and drank the view into my soul. I still see it perfectly and sharp as when it happened. And it is to that image in my mind that I retreat when I need to cheer up or calm myself.

But Lisa’s death in particular sent me into a tailspin, and my “happy place” wasn’t enough. I needed something to keep me alive. And, fortunately, I had it.

You.

The Community.

We talk a lot in forums, websites, and in person about “the Community.” But what is it? What defines it? Why does it exist?

Well, ye olde Oxford dictionary defines “community” thusly:

1. a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common.

2. a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.

In our case, the Community is transgender persons. As TGs, we are ridiculed, murdered, beaten, humiliated, fired, and have all manner of hate thrown at us. Most of the time, we as a group, are all we have as a shelter from the storm. This isn’t “socialism” as some on the right wing would assert. No, this is Caring.

And so it was for me.

As I spiraled downward, curled into a ball and sobbing, my friends were there: calling me, emailing, texting, leaving messages of encouragement on Facialbook. So many people showed concern and buoyed me up. And by morning, my path had steadied. By the next evening, I’d read the many comments and messages I received. I felt unworthy of every single one of them, but they did help. And I felt guilty — Sandy Empanada is living in a house with just her memories to keep her company, and I was whining?

I have other ways of holding back the Darkness. For example, I think of my five year old daughter. She deserves to know who I really am, and to have me in her life as she grows into womanhood herself. I can’t leave her behind intentionally. Then there’s the promise I made to Lisa — that I would transition for the both of us. I keep my promises.

Coping. Caring. Community. There is one small problem with the whole idea of having the community pitch in to help. What is it?

You have to ask.

For the most part, TGs are empathetic people, but most are not mind readers. If you need support, ask for that shoulder to cry upon. Conversely, if you don’t need help, OFFER that shoulder. Be the one that saves your brother or sister from slipping away into Darkness.

In the end, Lisa Empanada is dead because she DIDN’T reach out to all the people willing and able to help her. She knew we would help if she let us, but she didn’t let us.

And now, she is literally ashes awaiting an urn.

My friend Sharon Stones said that Lisa’s death pulled the community together and got us talking. And she’s right. That is the basis of a Community — communication. Three thousand people can sit in a room, but if none speaks to the other, then there is no community, just a huge number of isolated individuals.

And in our Community, Isolation kills.

So. Coping. Caring. Community. Communication.

We define ourselves in many ways. We are Transgender. Some are Crossdressers. Gender Queer. Transsexual. None of the Above. But what we are, what we need to be, is a Community. Our community defines who we are. Our community saves us from the deadly Darkness that took Lisa.

I am not exaggerating when I say that if not for the Community, I may not have written this column today. If not for my picturing my daughter’s smile, my promise to Lisa, a memory of a gorgeous day, but above all, the outpouring of Love from those who Know the pain of who we are…

Kept me alive.

Kept me from that Darkness.

We fight. We argue. We challenge, cajole, insult. But we also comfort. We dry each other’s tears. That’s because, in the end, we are all each other really have.

And we take Care of our own.

Tags: coping, depression, featured, opinion, TG Community, Transgender, Transition

Category: All TGForum Posts