Are You Happy?

Far out!

TGForum readers familiar with late 1960s hard rock may have heard the legendary Iron Butterfly song “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”. With seventeen epic minutes of fuzzy guitar, melodic organ, hypnotic percussion and extended solos, it is immediately recognizable as one of the iconic psychedelic rock titles, evoking visions of Woodstock, lava lamps, student unrest, and numerous period movies and documentaries.

This album includes a lesser known song called “Are You Happy”, which is in the same musical style but clocks in at a much more radio-friendly four minutes in length. Its lyrics represent the point of view of an infatuated young man, earnestly trying to determine if the lady he just met genuinely returns his affection. While not as famous as the title track, I personally find it more musically accessible.

I’m now well into middle age, and accordingly I no longer recognize “happiness” as some adolescent, yellow smiley-face emotional high (which no one can sustain for very long in this imperfect world anyway), but instead as the sense of contentment that one can derive from living a temperate, harmonious interior and exterior life, meeting one’s spiritual and temporal obligations with a sense of joy and satisfaction. (Okay, I admit that I spent a little time over the holidays re-reading portions of Dante’s Divine Comedy.)

One of the more common statements that has been directed my way since I began the re-debut process to the people in my life is, “You look so happy now”. In fact, I have received some version of this compliment so often that it prompted me to consider my state of life at the Rubicon of my re-debut process. I had certainly never considered myself unhappy per se, and even now when I look back at my closeted years, I feel no sense of regret or bitterness.

Fun at black light yoga!

For about ten years, up to the spring of 2014, I had been occasionally going out as I wished to a few select locations. One such place was a pole fitness studio where I was a member. After one session, I realized that pole dancing was not for me; however, I took very happily to the burlesque classes that were also offered there. (The instructor incorporated feather boas into our routine on my first visit. From that moment, I was hooked!) Several years of dance, yoga and conditioning taught me how to move better; I gained a lot of personal confidence, ultimately participated in several group recitals, and even made some girlfriends that I still have today. It was an unambiguously happy experience for me, and it shows in all of the photos from that time.

I then began the process of my gradual public re-debut, starting at my church where I had been a parishioner for almost 20 years up to the point. I attended one Sunday morning in pretty springtime styles, and shortly thereafter was actually invited to join our ladies group. While assisting at a well-attended parish function that summer, one of the group members (an older professional woman in a leadership position) actually told me that she was glad I was involved with them and hoped I would continue to be, because I “look[ed] so happy now” and that she “always knew” that I “wanted to be one of them”. That was the first time I had heard this, and I was stunned and grateful. And although she was the only one who verbalized it, there were presumably many other parishioners that thought similarly.

The following year, I joined the women’s weekly scripture group for its annual September-to-April session. Although it was impossible to meet everyone, I became friendly with the two leaders, as well as the dozen ladies at my regular table. I enjoyed it very much, and at the end of the year, when there was a request for testimonials, I was one of several who volunteered in advance to give one to the entire group. I made a roughly three-minute speech to over 80 women (a few of whom were previously acquainted with me in masculine mode), in which I stated how much I enjoyed the course, how “happy” and grateful I was to be a part of the group, and that I looked forward to returning next year. I received applause and hugs, was told afterward that my speech made a deeply favorable impression in the room, and learned that I even came to the attention of the national group program leadership in a positive way. I have been involved every year since, including some light leadership duties.

In male mode, I hardly ever found myself engaged in impromptu conversations in public, and part of the reason may have been that I just didn’t seem open or accessible. By contrast, once I began going out freely in everyday environments, I would become involved in friendly chats with women on a fairly regular basis. Some would simply compliment my outfit, or even comment favorably on an accessory or my manicure. (One of my reading classmates actually offered me some old clothes and accessories when she was cleaning out her closet!) Along the way I learned how to socialize better, since I found myself with more opportunities. In 2017, while I was vacationing at the Chesapeake Bay, a woman introduced herself to me in the hotel lobby as we were both checking out. After a short and friendly conversation, we exchanged phone numbers and since then, we’ve become great friends. And when we first spoke by phone, she mentioned that she had liked my outfit that day and struck up a conversation with me because I just seemed – there’s that word again – like a happy person.

Recent vacation highlights!

Recently I happened to share some old travel photos with a work colleague. They were taken in Italy during my visit there in 2008, and some of them include me in my then-male appearance looking dignified and serious. She mentioned that she had subsequently showed one of these to a female relative, along with a current photo of me from last fall for comparison, and the incredulous response she received was, “How can that actually be the same person?” Certainly I looked much different in my late 30s with short hair, stubbly face, and a sweater and jeans, compared to longer hair, a curvier figure and a sparkly red dress (not to mention an additional 12 years). But perhaps what stands out most is the happy smile on my face today, as opposed to the almost Spock-like lack of emotion visible in the older photo.

Sometimes women ask me good-naturedly if I actually find feminine styles comfortable. It’s a legitimate question and, quite frankly, I will admit that dressing in masculine styles was functionally much easier. Between foundation garments, skin care, makeup application, outfit coordination, shoe selection, expense, travel prep, etc. the clothes I now choose to wear (and the daily processes necessary to look presentable and attractive) are very definitely less convenient. But I truly don’t even notice that anymore. My feet have long since been broken in for heels, I’ve become accustomed to keeping my appearance fresh, I love the style options and I enjoy the process of putting myself together to face the public. I believe that shows in my eyes and my smile when I’m out in the world. And honestly — aren’t a dress and heels at least as comfortable as a three-piece suit, collared shirt and tie, if not more so? I’ll personally answer “Yes!” without any hesitation.

Prior to transitioning, wintertime casual days to me meant a sweater and jeans; it still does, but now the sweaters tend to be tunic length with cowl necks, the jeans will be bootcut (if not leggings), and the accessories and colors are much more appealing. In the warmer months, my tee and shorts style now features softer pastels and prints — or maybe even a much more comfortable sundress. I will never be a raving beauty, but when appropriately attired in my now everyday best, I really do like how I look, and I feel completely confident (and even happy) when facing the world. That apparently is what gets noticed by many people. I think that’s one of the biggest statements we can all hope to make.

So if you’re truly content with the physical and emotional impression that you make to the public, then well and good – that’s completely to your credit. Just be sure to ask yourself occasionally, like Iron Butterfly: Are You Happy? If you cannot honestly answer “Yes” to such a basic question, then consider making some genuine changes. This life is too short!

Tags: featured, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul