Anxiety in the Sun
Hi All. Hope you are doing okay. Things with me are not so rosy. Many of you know that I battle anxiety, if you’ve read my column. Well, it has taken a major turn for the worse. I have new daily anxiety as bad as I’ve ever felt in my life. I was on a medication for anxiety, which managed it, but had side effects. It would make me sleepy some and I thought it kinda made me depressed a bit. Well, in my infinite wisdom, I stopped that drug, or I tapered it down very slowly.
Starting last Fall, I started a slow taper. When I reached the smallest dosage capsule, 20mg, I began to open the capsule and weigh out milligrams to taper more. The drug was Cymbalta, or Duloxetine (generic). I had taken it since April 2016.
Why did I stop taking it?
That question still haunts me. People keep asking me this question. My answer, now that I am suffering as much as I am now, seems really dumb. I found a group online. . .
Yes, I trusted and got freaked out by armchair experts who think they are doing the world a favor by preaching the dangers of Cymbalta. The group really freaked me out and I started to think about getting off of Cymbalta. I am not a big drug taker. I don’t even like having to take Estrogen. But, these people seemed adamant about people getting the hell off of Cymbalta.
So, I tapered. . . and tapered. . . and tapered. The taper regimen itself is a good thing, I admit. People try to go off of SSRI, or SNRI meds way too fast, and doctors dont know that this can worsen withdrawal. That part of the group is good. But, I basically got off of a drug that was at least managing my anxiety. Now, I am horrible.
The Facebook group is called Cymbalta Hurts Worse. Looking back, what I’m going through now, hurts worse. Cymbalta may be the toughest anti-depressant to get off of, and there have been lawsuits against its maker Eli Lilly. But, there is also a saying as old as the golden brown California hills. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Well, I went and tried to fix it. I was probably stupid for doing that.
I have heavy anxiety every morning that continues into the day. I have to take a sedative to cope. I have weird feelings in my groin area that are very bothersome and add to my anxiety. Panic runs just under the surface nearly every day. I feel hopeless, scared, debilitated, and sad. All of this started a few weeks after my last tiny dose of Cymbalta on March 5, 2018. I’ve been suffering since mid April.
I had decided to finally end this California Experiment and return home to the East, but now. . . this happened. I have trouble sitting for long periods. My anxiety saps my will and my strength to prepare to move. It is tough to get out of bed. How in the hell can I find the strength to pack and drive 3000 miles across the country now? Funny, just last August I drove 4000 miles to Oklahoma City and back pretty much fine before all of this drug tapering started. Now, I have trouble just getting to SF or Berkeley for doctor appointments.
Work is growing increasingly impatient with me. I have filed a doctor’s note, and paperwork with my doctors notes indicating my condition. I have talked to all of my supervisors about my condition. But, they are so twisted up in knots about the giant online competitor, they are in a panic and grasping at straws over every aspect of operations. Things keep changing and changing. It’s like they will do ANYTHING just to get people to shop there. All of this at the expense of long time employees.
A number of people who have been there for years are being forced out by hour cuts, “disciplinary action” or changes. They don’t want an anxious trans woman in her late 40s hanging around. They want young punks who they can milk their newbie enthusiasm, burn out and throw away.
Regardless, I am in a real pickle, to put it mildly. I am really suffering. I continue to see and schedule doctors appointments in hope that I can find answers. I have gone through two meds that I had to stop already. One lasted 2 weeks, one lasted 2 days. They made me worse and worser. I was Dumb & Dumber for stopping the med that was working well enough. I am back to square one. Please keep me in your thoughts. I need support.
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Category: Transgender Body & Soul
About the Author (Author Profile)
I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 5 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. But recently moved back to the East Coast. The adventure continues...Subscribe
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