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When Anxiety Attacks — Again

| May 14, 2018
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Every time I write this column, I want to write something positive. The truth is, there isn’t always a lot of positive going on with me. There is some. But, it has been really hard on me here in Cali. I just saw a post from the past dated May 11, 2015. It tells about how I had already become sick of my living situation after only 6 months. I knew. I knew that Cali was not for me. 

I denied it, of course. I couldn’t give up after 6 months. That was too short. May 2015 was also about the time I decided, dumbly, to go off of my long term anxiety med, Celexa. I went on to have a huge increase in anxiety and an eventual restart of that med. That increased my anxiety to new levels never seen before in my life. I was really scared. 

I eventually phased in another drug, Cymbalta. I took that for two years, until, I decided — dumbly — to go off of it this past winter.  During that two years, I still had anxiety. But I also became depressed. I had never been depressed before. I have had a really, really rough time. I’m still near-convinced, that it is some kind of mysterious allergen, something in the air, the water, or the tech shit flying around in the air that is making me crazy. Perhaps it’s just homesickness, plain and simple.

So, once again, I have stupidly, and against doctor’s recommendation, gotten off of yet another antidepressant med for anxiety. Now I am battling, you guessed it, bad anxiety. Just like 2015. Should I now complete the circle and go back on meds? Will this cause me months of increased anxiety, again? Should I try to tough it out and see if things improve? I, once again, find myself at a crossroads. 

I may leave here in the summer. I have two friends who have offered me a room in the Philadelphia area. The move there may be inevitable. The only thing that may delay me would be if I have to give medication a chance to get going and smooth out. It takes weeks to do that.

The room opens up on July 1. That is not too far off. It would be very affordable, and I would live with two great trans people on a peaceful, tree-lined street in the suburbs. It’s all setting up for a homecoming in the Summer. But, I’m not sure my mental health will be ready. I think I have mentally checked out of Cali. I just have to find the courage and strength to endure a 6 or 7 day journey back across the country.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul


About the Author ()

I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 5 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. But recently moved back to the East Coast. The adventure continues...

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