The Occasional Woman — Spring is in the Air

Dear Readers,

Welcome to the purported end of winter — apparently, it is spring. Could have fooled me — it just freakin’ snowed today!! Harrumph. Anyway, it will be spring sometime soon, and the world of fashion is ready to gussy you up and take your money! So, let’s take a foray into what designers want you to wear!

The biggest thing I noticed while “researching” this topic was color; you know how every year the design cabal picks one “gotta have it” color? Well, this year it seems to be orange [Editor’s Note: It’s actually called Fiesta, the official Pantone 17-1564 color.] and its friends; coral, blush pink, tangerine, apricot etc. That’s peachy for some people — but some people ain’t me!  These can be tricky colors. Not everyone looks dandy in hues of orange. It helps if you have some naturally occurring darker tones in your skin, or they can wash one out or make them just look sad. The Northern European contingent can often be either out-shouted by orange, or washed out by coral, while Italians, African Americans, Polynesians, Latinas and other of our darker sisters can positively bloom in them. Hold the color up to your face and ask yourself “Do I look bountifully happy or one foot in the grave in this?” And try to be honest. As always, if you love tangerine, then throw caution to the winds and wear the hell out of it.

Another wacky trend is having a lot of confusing straps all over the place. Swimsuits with 15 straps look kind of new and daring, but just think of the insane tan lines! You’ll look like you slept on a waffle iron! I also noticed many otherwise okay dresses and blouses with one strap, four straps, seventeen criss-crossing abdominal pieces of fabric, and some eeeuuuwy bandeau tops. They only look good on 14 year olds in Daisy Dukes.

A big no-no for the broad-shouldered set is “off the shoulder” and “cold shoulder” looks. If you happen to have had line-backer shoulders bestowed upon you at birth, nothing will accentuate them more than theses two styles. You will probably look like a long rectangle, as eyes go to the nekkid shoulders and stay there. Again, if you love this style, wear it! But be prepared for people to throw Hail Mary passes your way.

Unfortunately, the jumpsuit remains popular. As they are generally designed to torment women, with their 2 inch shorter torsos, put one on and then raise your arms — instant soprano. Also, one usually must take the whole damn thing off to attend to toilette matters — and really, who wants to do that?

Also showing this season is the accurately-named “paper bag waist” on pants. The pants are generally baggy but tapering nearer the ankle. The waist is cinched in, leaving a lot of gathered fabric ballooning both below and above the waist! This only looked good on Paula Abdul, in the ‘70s and ‘80s. Those days are over. Dress accordingly.

What we CAN enthusiastically welcome is the re-emergence of soft pastel colors — very lovely and girly, with floaty skirts, dresses and blouses. I’d suggest wearing them with a bit of contrasting metal jewelry and leather boots, just so’s you don’t look like you’ll fly away. Also making a comeback is the denim skirt, although some of us have never stopped wearing them, and fringe is likewise trendy. I happen to love fringe, cuz it’s fun.

So ladies — may the mukluks be gone, and the chiffon dance its way in! Fashion can be fun — have a great time with it.

Tags: fashion, featured, opinion, style

Category: Style, Transgender Fashion