The Artist D Sounding Off — Doubt

The Artist D

Doubt is a killer. How many things have been killed for you by doubt? We continually falter stepping forward into a decision because we doubt ourselves or how others will receive us. I grew up in a home where doubt ran our lives. Every decision was made upon what others may think or only if “it” was a sure thing, whatever “it” was at the time. My mother even triple guessed herself about what to cook for dinner based on other family member’s preferences. In the end she’d never make the right thing because she never followed her heart, her intuition or better judgment. She was always falling back on people’s opinionated whiny reactions. In a lot of ways my mother’s dinner plans mirror all of our failed hopes and dreams. She should have made more pork chops and we should have come out of the closet a lot sooner.

Every good decision I’ve ever made was because I overrode guilt. The only successful CEO is one who steps out, up and over everything standing in their way. They told me I’d never get anywhere without a high school diploma, but I did. They told me “people like you” would never make it in business, but I have. They said I’d never be accepted by anyone if I told people I was gay, but I am accepted. They swore I would be destroyed for riding the lines of gender and it has only made me a better person.

Walk tall, carry a stick if you need to and kick as much butt as stands in the way of you doing what you truly believe to be. You’d never be anywhere if you didn’t take the chance. I find all of my experiences with being brave are magnified by thousands when it comes to the transgender community. You understand what I am saying more than most. It’s especially true when it comes to doubt and stepping out to be true to you. You took the step to dress up and take a picture for an Internet profile which found you friends and confidence. Then you won the battle with doubt by stepping out of your bedroom and onto the front step of your home in the middle of the night. You did it again the first time you went to the Transgender Convention and sat down with others just like you. You do it every time you put on a wig and go for coffee. Transgender or not your life worked so much better when you stopped doubting and just did.

We’ve all got moments of doubt and the key is to address them as the fleeting moments they ought to be. It’s a lot like being cut deeply and knowing you’ll be just fine even though you’re bleeding all over the place. I guess the reality is you could bleed to death, but there’s really no need to admit it. You’re either going to get over it or be done in by it. There’s just so little benefit of admitting defeat to “the rut.”

Every so often I hit that ditch full of doubt. I get so sucked in by the sadness of not doing enough with this life. I waste a whole weekend with the curtains drawn, laying there staring into darkness thinking about how useless my efforts are. My problem is knowing there are so many who can benefit from my art and encouragement, but not being able to reach them. So few people read these days (other than you, gentle reader) and it’s just so damned frustrating. It’s frustrating to spend all of my time expressing myself and knowing that not enough people are seeing, hearing or reading the truth.

No matter how I feel for that one weekend every so often, I do come back up for air. I mope about the failures and the doubt I have in who I am, but I’m right back at the typewriter a day or so later. The comforting part of it all now is that even while doubting I know I’ll be back in no time. A good part of it is knowing there’s no choice. We don’t have a choice to doubt and succeed. The only choice is to not doubt, step out and succeed. If you want to choose doubt (and guilt) you might as well just stay up in your tower. You aren’t going to get very far worrying about what everyone else has to say or what everyone else wants for dinner.

You live your life for you and never doubt what you already know. Because nobody knows you better than you know yourself! Sooner than later the hand you deal without doubt will plant the seeds of self-worth and then you’re off and running. Once you get there you’ll never let doubt tell you otherwise as you’ve just proved doubt wrong.

You’re cooking the meal, sweetheart. If they don’t like it they can go eat at grandma’s house.

The Artist D is executive editor of Fourculture Magazine. He is also unearthing the underground as host of The Fabulous D Show every Sunday night at 7 PM EST at TheArtistD.com.

Tags: featured, opinion

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion