Restroom Wars — Discussions about TG in the WC

Question: What do members of the TG community in Ottawa, Canada have in common with Florida State Representative Frank Antiles? Answer: They both had discussions about the use of rest rooms by members of the TG community. Their views are quite different.

They were having an online chat but it was as if they were sitting with me at a pub discussing an important world issue. So that is the way I will present it. Names will be changed as I am lifting the comments without permission (and that is thanks to our editor’s tough deadline edict.)

“Girls, did you see that bathroom sign from Britain that is circulating on the Internet? Here look,” Karen said as she passed around her Blackberry.  Karen is an ex-patriate Brit living in Canada and very attuned to so-called trans rights issues. She was sitting sharing beers with Erica, Marilyn, Debbie, Donna and Sarah. They had just come from their local TG support group meeting and were relaxing in one of the increasing number of TG friendly pubs in their city.

Reader Warning: This discussion is about a transgender person’s right to use a public lavatory matching his/ her identity. Please note that one person’s lavatory is a Bathroom or loo in Britain, a Washroom in Canada, a WC across much of Europe and a Rest Room in the United States.

The conversation probably would have moved on with a laugh and a nod of the head but Karen continued, “Hey lets respect women. Let us try to avoid having to go to the bathroom … lets respect the fact that some women are frightened and scared of rape, that women are frightened of voyeurism, and some afraid of the unknown. Yes we have our rights, but so do females. They have been abused, raped and even murdered because they are women. So, when you have to go, keep it private, make sure your shoes are in the right direction, and keep it short and simple.
“Respect will win us acceptance. “

She found a willing debater in Marilyn, “I don’t think a lack of respect for women is the issue here.  I respect all women, whether cisgender or transgender.

“That said, I understand there are differences and we have a ways yet to go to earn the respect we need. I still have trouble using the women’s washroom and for a long time couldn’t do so for some of the reasons you mentioned. I made sure to use the washroom before going out and just held it when that wasn’t enough. I didn’t and still don’t want to offend or frighten anyone and have had to develop a sense of entitlement to use the right washroom. If I use the women’s room, it’s because I am female. Being a transgender woman gives you plenty of reason to fear for your safety too and being able to use the bathroom safely should be a basic right for everyone. Trying to avoid needing to go really isn’t practical or fair.

“I agree with you that we need to represent ourselves well everywhere we ‘go’ and everywhere we go.”

“Ha, good one. I agree with you Marilyn,” chimed in Erica, “the more I come out and reveal openly who I am on the inside … the more fearful I become of going into the men’s washroom.  I’m really sorry.  Toilets are public spaces and I have the right to use them.  I’m tired of worrying about offending other people’s sensibilities.  I’m not a criminal.  I’m allowed to feel safe, too.”

Debbie was next, “How many women have been assaulted by transgender women using the women’s washroom? I can’t recall a case at all. It’s probably very rare. A woman is far more likely to be assaulted by some random stranger on the street, or indeed even more likely by someone she lives with.

“So yes, we need to recognize fears, but we also need to recognize when they’re ill-founded and based on hype and ignorance. It’s not fair to let unreasonable fears put transgender people at risk — my risk of assault should I use the men’s room as Debbie is immensely greater than the average woman’s risk if a transgender person is in the women’s washroom.”

Just then a man got up from the next table, brought his beer and sat down. A number of the girls recognized him as Alex, also a member of their support group. “Actually, I think Karen is saying some important things here,” said Alex, “ Maybe I should stay out of this discussion because I am FTM and I don’t want to interfere but  I’ve noticed that these discussions about washrooms never seem to take into consideration women’s rights, or their feelings of discomfort, or their sense of their own needs and privacy. These conversations seem to be always about trans rights, which I agree are essential. I find there is rarely, if ever, a balance in the discussions and that is a problem, as far as I’m concerned.

“Obviously Diane has some points to make about keeping risks in perspective, but it is from a MTF perspective. Women may not share her view.  I don’t know of any MTF person doing anything inappropriate in a women’s washroom. But I do know of at least one instance (and perhaps others) of a heterosexual man entering women’s washrooms as sexual predator — dressed as man, that is.

“But that is not exactly the issue here–many women have been abused and raped and assaulted and many live with fear. You may know you are not a threat to them, but there are also personal boundaries and comfort at issue–and they don’t know you.

“As I heard Debbie say once trans people start to live their true gender identity and dress accordingly, and look their true gender, they can’t just walk into the bathroom of their birth sex — so Debbie is right in saying that if she were to enter a men’s washroom as Debbie, she would be at great risk.

“I happen to know quite a few women who are totally supportive of transgender equality, human dignity, and transgender rights. But many of those same women are uncomfortable sharing washrooms with transgender MTF  who haven’t fully transitioned. That’s reality.

“When I use the men’s room, I am aware that I am at risk should any man have an inkling that I am FTM and not fully transitioned. Nonetheless, sometimes I’m desperate to pee and I search for washrooms that are compatible with my need for privacy. Further, I take care to respect the privacy of men when I’m in there and I wouldn’t take insult if some man happened to say he felt I was an intruder in his space and that he didn’t really want FTMs in the same washroom. I can understand that.

At the same time, I have to go somewhere, so I do the best I can while remaining respectful of men’s privacy. I actually don’t want to be in there either.”

Up to that point Ginny had sat quietly. She was one of the longest standing and most active members of the group, responsible for arranging the group’s twice-monthly dinner outings to local restaurants. “Washroom access is a question I deal with regularly in lining up restaurants” said Ginny, “it can be the deal breaker when talking to the owner or manager of a new restaurant we want to try. Anytime I start to feel a slight hesitation on the part of the restaurant, I assure them that for those of us who will be presenting as female, we DO know how to behave like ladies in public, including use of a restroom. That does help put a restaurant at ease.

And yes, there are still restaurants that don’t want us there because of the restroom access problem. That is something that personally I want to know up front, so I will know never to set a high-heeled foot in there or spend a single dollar there. I will happily save my dining dollars for the restaurants that allow us access and are willing to treat us as regular human beings.

“In a number of restaurants, it is actually a total non-issue, because even though they have gender specific facilities (i.e. a “Men’s” room & a “Women’s” room), the facilities are still single-user. Of course I still worry in such cases about a trans girl still choosing to stand to pee without lifting the seat, & then failing to clean up after they have sprinkled on the seat.”

Good point, I thought. Maybe that is what is behind the whole issue.

However Donna is the one we all turn to for advice and wise counsel. It was left to her to provide the defining comments.  “I agree that we all should show respect to others, whether cis or Trans*, whether in the bathroom or not! We should definitely ‘go’, using the bathroom that matches our gender presentation (if not identity).  We go in, do our business (shoes pointed in the correct direction, of course), wash our hands, and leave. Our biological need to pee and our security unquestionably trumps anyone’s “discomfort” with our presence!

“No identifiable group, whether Trans, person of color, age group, ethnic background, should be excluded from using the appropriate bathroom because someone ‘might’ have been traumatized by a male, or a female of color, or a male or female of a certain age.

“Ohhhhh, and there’s this other little matter . . . in Ontario, it’s the law!”

So far I had sat quietly and listened. For me the ‘bathroom/washroom/rest room question had long been a non-issue. I simply choose the facility that fits my presentation of the moment. However as the girls chatted a relevant message came through on my i-phone.  Suddenly I was in the middle of it. “So it is in Florida,” I interjected, “or at least I think TG use of rest rooms designated for females is not strictly prohibited but that may be about to change and so much more.”

“What do you mean?”

“As we sit here, I just got this e-mail telling me that a new bill has been introduced in their House of Representativescalled, let me read it, HB 583: Single Sex Public Facilities. Basically it says that no matter what your present gender designation on your official documentation and no matter how you are presenting if you are born a male you must use single sex facilities designated for males and vice versa.”

“Remind anyone of ‘Whites Only’ and ‘Coloreds Only’ signs of the segregation era?” exclaimed someone.

“But wait, there’s more,” I continued, “single sex public facilities are defined as being bathrooms, restrooms, dressing rooms and fitting rooms etc that are designed or designated to be used by more than one person at a time.”

“Is this going to become law?”

“I don’t know but it is something that if the community does not stand up and speak out it has a much better chance of passing than if we do. I know that I’m going to put in my word as the next time I go to Florida I do not feel like being arrested for trying on a new dress at a department store let alone tinkling in their rest room.

“Sort of makes our problem in Ontario look small, doesn’t it?”

Then Donna went on a rant that left the rest of us speechless, “Yeah, the bill is pretty disgusting. Also, there’s some senator in Kentucky who wants to make a law allowing people to sue a school board for $2500 if they see a person of the “wrong” gender in the washroom.

“These redneck fundamentalists sexualize everything, probably because they’re so repressed in their public life that their imaginations are total sewers and their private morals are disgusting. But to keep their redneck constituents happy, they have to propose these sensational, discriminatory bills while secretly laying their interns on the side”

That is pretty well the way the conversation ended. The next day I took the chance to do some research on the Florida Bill. It is proposed by one Frank Antiles, a member of the House of Representatives from southwest Miami-Dade area. He imagines that he made a name for himself toughening laws against sexual predators and now it seems he wants to continue as a one-trick pony, stomping on the TG community to get his ride. He recently blogged, “The goal of HB 583 is not to discriminate against any individual, but to ensure the public’s safety in Florida. My main concern is that criminals, sexual predators, and sex offenders will hide behind the law in order to commit a crime due to the over broad, vague, and subjective language passed by some counties across the State.”

How far can the reality and biological needs of TGs be from the fantasy conspiracy world of Rep. Antiles?

For more information on the issue of transgender and restrooms refer to this website.

What do you think of the restroom wars? Let us know in the Comment area below.

Tags: discrimination, featured, passing, restrooms, Transgender

Category: Transgender Opinion