People Make the Difference

| Dec 28, 2015
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This holiday, for me, has been greatly dampened by my continued health problem. My anxiety still dominates my day but tends to ease up in the evening. I seek comfort in everything now. I am vulnerable.

I’m usually pretty comfortable being on my own and doing things myself for the most part. But, something strange has happened in the last two months. I have started needing people. When you feel down or low or sick, you tend to reach out for help. It has been nice getting support from new people. I even came out to a friend I’ve known for a year. I call her Mama Joy. She is my California mother since my Mom is in Florida. She has taken me under her wing. When I told her I was trans, I was unsure what she would say. But it turned out well. She said I was beautiful and it didn’t change anything.

We talked about how I was feeling lately, being very anxious. She wonders if my decision to go further and get surgery or stay as I am is really weighing on me. It is. I am pretty sure I want to be complete, but I feel so dark lately and unconfident. How could I possibly go through such an ordeal when I can’t even wake up in the morning without really bad anxiety? GRS is scary enough. But, maybe it’s the conflict. Maybe it’s something physiological, maybe it’s purely mental. Time will tell.

Reaching out to people has helped. Just a kind word, a message, a Skype or a hug can really help lift my spirits and pull me out of the darkness. I have been snuggling on the couch with my landlady to watch The X-Files for weeks now. It feels good to have another human being in close proximity. I have also been falling asleep for a few hours at my “comfort spot” there on the extended couch section after she goes to bed. I don’t want the comfort to end because I know what’s coming the next morning . . . more anxiety. It’s a daily cycle for the last two and a half months.

Christmas day was nice. People made the difference. I live in a house with 4 other people. In the morning, fighting through my usual anxiety, but buoyed by the Christmas spirit, I opened presents from my Mom, from my landlady and a friend from work. My landlady even bought Sidney, a roomate, his first present in 5 years. A pair of pajamas. My landlady and I watched the last of the 6 previous Star Wars movies, Return of the Jedi. This paved the way for the house going out to watch Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

It was so nice to sit with everyone in the theater. The guys even paid for my ticket and food. I did have some anxiety about being in a theater. It had been some time. I wasn’t sure how I would feel. I did OK. After everything got going, I was into the movie. I relaxed and just enjoyed the company. I usually had been going to the theater alone. Being there with people always feels better. I felt happy. We came home and I topped the night off with snuggling with my landlady watching X-Files.

I need people right now. Short of having a partner, having friends I can snuggle with and visit is pretty good. I still have some tough times, especially in the morning, but I look forward to the comfort times in the evening. I am very needy right now, and with good reason. This is a very hard time for me and with no explanation as of yet. I need to get better. I want to feel like myself again. I long for that. But, in the meantime, I hope that people will be there to comfort me.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul


About the Author ()

I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 5 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. But recently moved back to the East Coast. The adventure continues...

Comments (1)

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  1. caroline2012 caroline2012 says:

    Dear Amanda,
    I don’t know the specifics of your circumstances, but I find your story compelling. It sounds like you’re at a fork in the road of life, and really conflicted about which path to take. I think you have to decide who you want to be, and then truly become that person. Nobody else’s opinion matters, really, only yours. You need to become comfortable with who you are and begin to love that person.

    I wish you the best Amanda. You really do, though, need to become comfortable in your own skin and begin to love yourself.

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