Dina’s Diner 7/24/23

FAMILY SECRETS

I saw an article on the Crossdresser Heaven site headlined What About the Kids – When They’re Not Kids? It was written by crossdresser Kris Burton and appeared on the site July 11, 2023.

Kris Burton

Kris writes that a presentation at this year’s Keystone Conference about how to tell family members about personal gender issues prompted her reflections. Kris writes that she “did not think this was a question I would have to address. After all, I am not a transgender person but rather what some may call a ‘recreational’ crossdresser.” Kris has adult children so “they no longer live under this roof. I do not ask them about their private lives so they needn’t ask nor be concerned about mine.” Of course, that is easier said than done in reality.

Although Kris’ wife knows and accepts crossdressing in their marriage, neither of them wish to have it ‘found out’ by the children or other people in their sphere. So despite being out at home, there is still some closeting going on. She writes, “When it comes to our kids we’re both still sneaking around. If I hear my wife say the code words “Hide the Rum” – a line from the Pirates of the Caribbean film – it alerts me that one or both of my boys is on the way over. I begin my checklist to be sure I have left no traces of my alter ego carelessly left out.” It’s a way of life for many crossdressers who are trying to balance family, social, or professional interactions with an activity they reserve for themselves, perhaps a spouse, and other crossdressing friends.

Kris writes that she lately considers unveiling the crossdressing to end the discomfort of having this secret. She lays out some things she would want to convey in this hypothetical conversation: “I would want them to know that this revelation in no way changes who I am or how I feel about them. I am exactly the same person they have always known, not a stranger that has been hiding in the guise of their father. I would want them to know that this activity enhances a part of myself that I choose to amplify from time to time, giving me both enjoyment and psychological benefit.” Sounds good on paper but human reactions are never so neat. Even with total acceptance, the relationships would be altered. Not necessarily in a bad way but changed nonetheless.

If you are living in a similar situation, enduring the balancing act, I wish you strength.

ASIAN DRAG DIVERSITY

The Huffington Post web magazine had an article headlined These Asian Drag Queens Did Not Come to Play (Or Be Tokenized). It appeared on the site June 28, 2023 in the Queer Voices section.

Felicia Oh

The article profiled eight Asian-American drag queens. The profiles capsulated a bit of their individual stories and how they deal with being a marginalized performer from a largely marginalized (and sometimes threatened) culture. The article also dispels the notion of a monolithic label for “Asian-American drag queen” because many of the performers come from different Asian nations. There are links to the performers’ Instagram pages also.

Within the article’s small sample were Vietnam, Indonesia, Korea, India, and Taiwan heritages. I’m sure there were girls with Chinese and perhaps Japanese families. “Representation for Asian American drag performers has definitely been on the rise,” said Kekoa, who uses they/them pronouns. “Take, for example, the latest season of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race,’ where the top two contenders were both representatives of the Asian American Pacific Islander [AAPI] community.”

Korean-American performer Snix noted that she moved around a lot as a youngster. She told the reporter, “I feel like a lot of performers in New York just don’t understand the suppression that’s built up elsewhere. My parents divorced when I was little and moving around taught me such a valuable lesson because I got to see so many different environments. Being Korean, I sometimes felt I had to hold myself in because I was so different.” Malai, an Indian-American performer said, “When I moved to America at the age of 24, it was quite an isolating experience. I felt stripped of my community, and I hated the idea of being in queer spaces because of how alienating it all felt. I started to realize that if you walk into a room and you don’t see a representation of yourself, maybe you have to become it. . .because the alternative to that is being in a room where you see zero reflection of yourself.”

A couple of the performers mentioned getting started in their own rooms at home. Malai said, “Well, I was a bedroom queen — someone who does drag privately and takes a lot of photos — for many many years until the pandemic hit.” Snix empathized with her closeted sisters. “A lot of Asian American performers don’t feel comfortable enough to perform in a lot of art spaces. That’s why a lot of them feel comfortable to do it on social media or in their rooms.” Another queen named Felicia Oh said, “During the pandemic, I had all the time in the world to quarantine at home and explore different hobbies. For some, it was baking cookies and painting — for me, I became a ‘living room queen’ and played around with makeup. I remember getting in full drag in my living room just to film TikToks and take photos.”

Readers of the Diner may not aspire to drag queen stardom. Or to reach the height of beauty that so many AAPI queens achieve. It’s kind of nice to know that even these self-assured ladies started in their own bedrooms, dressing and making up just like many of us. Words of wisdom from Snix again: “Recognize that confidence starts within yourself. Yes, there’s the hair, the nails, the clothes and that’s all glamorous, but those are all add-ons; it really comes within yourself.”

JUST SOME SMALL TOWN GURLS

The Associated Press had a long article headlined Drag Queens Are Out, Proud, and Loud In a String of Coal Towns, From a Bingo Hall to Blue-Collar Bars. The article chronicled the stories of the “Daniels drag family” a troupe of drag queens working the bars and bingo halls of upstate Pennsylvania. The article appeared on the AP site July 3, 2023.

The Daniels Drag Family.

The AP lays it out this way: “In a string of towns running along a coal seam, the sparkle of small-town drag queens and kings colors a way of life rooted in soot, family, and a conservative understanding of the world. Here two very old traditions mingle — and mostly happily, it seems, in contrast to the fierce political winds ripping at drag performances and the broader rights of LGBTQ+ people in red states from Utah and Texas to Tennessee and Florida.”

In small upstate Pennsylvania towns and communities like Shamokin, Nescopeck Township, Berwick, and Kulpmont, the band of drag queens headed by “den mother” Alexus Daniels, play drag shows in bars, host drag bingo events in fire halls, and still do drag storytimes for kids in this part of the state that votes solidly Republican. The secret seems to be that these tightly knit communities can accept and enjoy entertainers who are part of those same communities. They are not viewed as ‘others’ as happens so easily on the national stage.

The Daniels drag family includes two twin brothers, Jacob and Joshua Kelley, who perform as Trixy Valentine and Harpy Daniels respectively. Joshua is also a Navy seaman who is a “digital ambassador” for the service as an out and proud LGBTQ+ community member. The troupe also includes a transman who performs as drag king Gwen Bobbie.

Two Associated Press reporters spent a year checking in with the Daniels group as they traveled around the anthracite region of Pennsylvania. Some of the photos show packed bingo halls and lively bars where the Daniels group performed. Outside one of the drag bingo events, the AP reported, “A small group of protesters could be watched on social media from the bingo hall, holding signs and praying the rosary across from the theater. Trixy addressed the bingo crowd. “There’s hundreds of us in this room and only nine of them on that street. So all I have to say is I don’t care what you believe in. But do not force it down my throat and tell me I shouldn’t be here because you think I’m wrong. The Lord gave birth to me, too.””

RELATIONSHIP BREADCRUMBS

I came across an interesting article that appeared on the GetPocket.com website. The article was headlined, How to Tell If You’re Being Breadcrumbed in a Relationship. The article originally appeared on a site called Stylist.co.uk in March of 2022.

The good kind of breadcrumbs.

“Breadcrumbing” in the context of a relationship “involves leading someone on and keeping their hopes up through small and superficial acts of interest.” The article noted that parceling out small doses of encouragement (the breadcrumbs) can happen in dating relationships, work environments, non-romantic friendships, and even in family relations. The article points out, “A breadcrumber might be flirtatious, complimentary or seem engaged with you at first, but will ultimately end up disappointing you with empty promises and emotional abandonment.”

I never heard this term before so it was a new idea but it crystallized something I’ve experienced at times. I probably even perpetrated breadcrumbing in certain relationships. I suspect we’ve all been on both ends of the breadcrumbing game at one time or another.

The article laid out several hallmarks of breadcrumbing to help us identify if we’re being victimized by someone close to us. Here are the indicators from the article:
• The relationship is an emotional rollercoaster with disappointment being the usual result.
• If you find yourself changing behaviors in search of the next “breadcrumb.”
• You usually find yourself waiting for something from the other person.
• You feel you are being used or manipulated but are in denial.
• You feel lonely and empty within the relationship.

Yeah, starts to feel familiar when we look back on certain of our relationships over the years, huh? There are many articles online about ‘breadcrumbing’ if you want to learn more.

I thought of this article for the Diner because it can happen in online relationships (where a lot of crossdressers spend their time) as well as face-to-face relationships. We can make connections online and get all hyped up about a new friendship then feel deflated if the other party is not as responsive as we hoped. Or perhaps there is always the promise of a real-time meeting that never seems to happen. It is the small trail of breadcrumbs of friendliness, encouragement, etc. that keep us engaged. And as the last point of the article laid out – breadcrumbs are symbolic of our disappointment when it never quite meets expectations. Beware the breadcrumbs.

CROSSDRESSED QUIZ KIDS

This one passed the quiz.

On one of my frequent perusals of Pinterest.com feeds, I saw a posting headlined Is Crossdressing For You? Unlike the usual photo postings on Pinterest, this led me to a quiz on a site appropriately named GoToQuiz.com. The site appears to be a place where visitors can take quizzes on various topics or even post their own quizzes for others to take.

The Crossdressing quiz opened with this invitation: “Are you a guy who likes girly things? Do you like to wear women’s clothing and makeup? Maybe paint your nails in a skirt or just bored? Then take this quiz and stop reading.” What follows is a quick list of twelve questions with multiple choice responses. You can follow the link here if you want to submit your own answers. But for those who don’t wish to do that, here are some of the meatier questions from the quiz:
• If you could wake up tomorrow as a girl for at least one week with no side effects at all how do you answer?
• So your sister or girlfriend/wife says she’s going to give you a makeover, how do you react?
• Would you or have you ever gone outside in public dressed?
• Can you do your own makeup as a woman?

The multiple choice responses were simple gradations of emphatic ‘Yes’ to emphatic ‘No.’ Not really very enlightening for those of us who are crossdressers or anyone who may be looking for serious answers. It turns out there are quite a lot of crossdressing quizzes on the internet from a number of online sites. You can Google appropriate search terms for a long list of them.

Many years ago (1993), I composed a tongue-in-cheek quiz to determine if readers were crossdressers, drag queens, or transgender. It appeared in LadyLike Magazine, a forerunner to TGForum.com. If you’re reading the Diner, I don’t need responses to a series of questions to know if you’re a crossdresser. Neither do you, probably. And your secret is safe with me.

Tags: crossdressing, featured, opinion, Transgender

Category: Transgender Fun & Entertainment