Telling The Children

Background Paper 6.0 March 1988, from the Renaissance Education Association, Inc.

In an attempt to lead “normal” lives, many transsexuals marry and have children. But because this normalcy cannot “cure” transsexualism, the continuing need to reconcile their body image with their gender identity remains with them and must be acted upon. It is often easier for a transsexual parent to decide that he or she must live in accord with their gender identity than it is to decide if or how to tell the children. Here, a male-to-female transsexual shares some thoughts on this difficult process of revelation.

by Paula Keiser

One of the biggest problems faced by parents with unusual gender orientations is communicating about our transgendered condition with the children. This problem sometimes produces even more concern than we harbor when we decide to tell a spouse. “Will I warp their little minds? Will I cause them psychological problems? Will they tell the whole neighborhood? Will they understand? Will they hate me? Will the court take them away?” All of these fears and questions are valid. The answer is contained in a question that can only be answered privately; “How do I feel about myself?”

A common plan for making this important disclosure is to wait until the children are older and are presumably better able to reason and understand. But it is a not a good idea to wait until children are just entering adolescence. At about this time peer approval emerges as a greater influence than parental teaching. The best ages for children to accept this information non-judgementally seems to be when they are between about 7 and 11.

From birth to adolescence, children learn from many sources; parents, relatives, school, and peers. But they look to their parents for guidance in evaluating all this input. Before age 7 or so, depending upon the child, their discernment in evaluating their authority figures is sometimes faulty. And when adolescence begins, children seem to automatically question everything their parents tell them. It is during this middle period, then, that children are best able to handle very personal and very significant changes in their lives.

I have always taught my children that people of different ethnic origin, religions, and sexual preferences are just as valid as human beings as they, themselves, are. They seem to have learned this well. As a transsexual, however, I always avoided initiating conversation on this specific topic. The consequences of that aversion are mixed.

A “Case Study”

I have two children, a boy, now age 13, and a girl, now age 9. About a year ago, and after much anguish, I told them both told of my situation. Since then the woman to whom I was married decided to leave. We agreed that the children should decide for themselves with which of us they wanted to live. Initially, both children decided to go with their mother and to live with grandparents. However, after a three-month separation, my daughter decided to return to me. My son still lives with his mother.

My daughter continues to support me as she did through my transition to a female role. Her friends also accept me, even the ones who “knew me when…” My son has still communicates with me, but has expressed reservations about his ability to handle his relationship with his peers were my situation to come to their attention. Adolescent peer values permeate my son’s judgement, while my daughter and her peers still look upon me as an adult with the authority to guide their thinking.

My daughter accepts. My son, to a degree, rejects. She has built a base of good friends who know her “Aunt ” was once her Dad. She will carry these friends through her development, and they, too, will benefit from their open exposure to an unusual situation. My son is afraid of the social consequences of revealing my status. From his standpoint, his fear is probably justified.

Are my children typical? I don’t know. They’re individuals. My spouse and I taught them to think for themselves. I think we succeeded to a large degree.

Lessons to be Learned?

Are there lessons here? Do little girls accept females who formerly were males better than little boys? Do children accept unusual situations (by adult standards) better than adolescents? I don’t know. All that I can attest is that my children reacted as I described.

It is my opinion that telling the children is just as important as telling your spouse. If one is to have any hope at all of preserving the family unit, be you transvestite or transsexual, then the family must be treated as a unit when dealing with this condition. Your gender orientation is a fact. Hiding it from the children only postpones the trauma of dealing with it outside yourself. Eventually, they will find out. Meanwhile, their value system is being established with decreasing credibility being given your input. Waiting too long can only hurt more.

How do you feel about yourself? Are you comfortable with your gender identity? If not, see a counsellor and get comfortable. To do the least damage to your children, you absolutely must be able to approach them from a position of confident self-esteem. If you love you, they’ll love you! If you tell them in tears and shame, you’ll scare the Hell out of them! Remember, you are the authority figure they respect. If you are ashamed of you, they will be ashamed of you too. If you believe that gender dysphoria is a condition that produces guilt, you will communicate that to them. If you know that gender dysphoria is normal for some people, and that you are one of those people, you will communicate to them an acceptance of the unusual. How you feel about yourself can influence members of the next generation, and the next, and the next….

Speaking from my own experience, tell the children at as young an age as possible and from a position of confidence. Children are wonderfully resilient. Tell them as soon as you can. I did, and I’m not at all sorry.

Issued by Renaissance

A non-profit association to educate the professional and general communities about transgendered people.