5 Reasons You’re Afraid of Your Femininity & 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Be

Eden Carlsen

One of the inherent challenges of exploring who we are as people is accepting who we are. When it comes to exploring gender markers like masculinity and femininity, it seems like it’s so much bigger. Throw in identity (cisgender, transgender, bigender, genderfluid) and we’ve got ourselves a mountain to tackle. . .or so it seems.

Every person struggles with their gender markers. There’s some basics we can identify in a second for both genders: Masculinity is direct, power, logic and hustle. Femininity is emotional, thoughtful, nurturing and soft. And secretly, don’t we equate masculine energy to confidence, and feminine energy to the demure? It stands to reason that if we were confident in our femininity, we would be embracing masculine energy. . .wait, what? How does that even work?

When we identify our feminine urges, we’re recognizing something inside ourselves that’s beautiful. It’s a thoughtfulness, a consideration, and an appreciation. It’s recognizing how we feel, acknowledging why we feel it, and ultimately, embracing it. But it sometimes is a struggle (even cis women feel dysphoria!) Here’s some of those common fears that often come up. . .and why it does NOT matter.

I’m too masculine

Too butch to be femme?

Get that attitude and kick it out the door! Masculinity is something that comes in balance with femininity (see masculinity = confidence in femininity, above). It doesn’t matter if you think that you think your feet are too big or you don’t like to wear dresses or you’re a tomboy. It doesn’t matter if your downstairs parts you were born with don’t match your insides. That has NOTHING to do with embracing your feminine!

Recognizing that femininity is more than just a physical look, but is part of who we are as humans revolutionizes things. Even the manliest man who ever was a man will have emotions, thoughts, desire to nurture, and to create. . .and isn’t that inherently feminine? Connecting, acknowledging and embracing your femininity as something larger than wearing your dress is an incredible part of your journey as a person.

And you know what, if you’re that concerned with the appearance side of things, dress to kill. Invest in figure enhancements to change your figure. (You think cis women don’t? You’ve heard of a push-up bra, right?) Buy a corset, get that padded girdle, take makeup lessons. Work with a stylist. There are tall women, there are short men. There are broad and barrel chested women, just like there are curvy men — stop thinking so critically and embrace it!

The short of it: We all exist with both feminine and masculine energies. Experiencing and appreciating both makes us better humans.

I don’t want to look weak

Sissy. Pansy. Tranny. Limp-wristed. Weakling. Effeminate. Ditzy. Bimbo. Vacuous. Dumb blonde.

Oh, life is so hard. Really it is.

Culturally, we associate feminine properties to weakness, and I’m here to tell you: that is WRONG! Think about the people that you know in your life, someone who is truly confident in who they are? Probably the person is not afraid of being vulnerable, and can communicate how they feel while making you feel at ease.

There is nothing more strong or powerful than a person that embraces everything that they are, including their weakness. Sure, we may associate femininity to the easily-fainting dolls of the silver screen, or women who are so posh that they can’t do anything for themselves, but is that really what femininity means? Or is that just an easy out because you’re looking at the surface?

Embracing femininity means recognizing your strengths, your weaknesses, and your emotions. It means recognizing your desires (and why you have them), acknowledging who you are, and building your own confidence from that.

The short of it: Weakness is a buzzword. We think it means incompetence. But femininity has nothing to do with whether or not you are competent. Femininity is your experiences, your emotions, and how you embrace them.

I don’t own the right clothes

007, Daniel Craig, dressed up for International Women’s Day 2011.

Sure, skirts and high heels and lipstick are lots of fun, but that has nothing to do with how you feel in your own body. There’s a certain high that we all feel when we look our best, whether it’s a three piece suit or a bodycon dress and stilettos. If you’re focusing on clothing as a reason to avoid feeling feminine, you’re missing the point. . .or ways to connect with your feminine side!

Consider what you can do to get in touch with your feminine side more. Maybe you wear a red tie. Maybe it means acknowledging your body more and using an essential oil in the shower (I recommend a pheromone based oil) that’s unisex if you’re worried about people who you share a bathroom with!) And don’t forget, even something as simple as having a skin care routine and keeping up on grooming can build more confidence.

Dressing more feminine doesn’t mean you have to buy a new wardrobe, unless you want to. But paying attention to the fabrics you wear, how it feels on your skin, and why it makes you feel that way, is a way to feel feminine in anything you wear.

The short of it: ‘Clothing makes a man, but all a girl needs is a tan!’ Dress in what makes you feel in touch with your feminine side. It doesn’t have to be a skirt — your skin can be more than enough!

I don’t want to be objectified

Guess what? You’re a human being. That will never change. You can’t change what other people think of you — that’s their business, not yours — but you are NOT an object. You’re human and always will be, gorgeous!

That being said, you can avoid feeling like an ‘out of place’ person by preparing for the situation. Dress for the situation (don’t wear a ball gown to the bar, don’t wear stilettos when everyone is in flat shoes) and you’ll blend in. If you choose to dress in a way that presents yourself as a lady of the night, you’re more likely to be treated as such. If you dress in a way that presents you in a different light (say, a woman running errands, or a woman dressed up for a date night), you’re going to broadcast a different message and others will teach you accordingly.

We teach others how we want to be treated, by the way we hold ourselves, the way we present ourselves, and by the way we respect ourselves.

The short of it: Have the confidence in presenting that you deserve to be treated as a woman of value, and you will be treated as such.

I’m scared I’ll like it too much

Femininity is intoxicating. It feels good to embrace it. But sometimes it’s scary. Quite often, we tie femininity in to so many different things: our emotions, sexuality, and even escapism via an alter ego.

But femininity doesn’t take over your life like an invasive species. Exploring feminine feelings and thoughts might be as small as recognizing how it feels to take care of your appearance. It may be the emotional connection that you get when talking with a girlfriend, or exploring what you find sexually attractive (and being sexually attractive to others). None of these things are wrong!

Femininity is something that you can embrace, but it’s your choice to choose how much of it you bring in to your daily life. Wearing a bra will not transform you into a full time woman, just like catching a football will not make you an NFL linebacker.

The short of it: Femininity is just a part of who you are — who we all are — and living in the moment and experiencing the joy of feeling your femininity does not mean you stop being YOU.

Check out Eden’s online course on confidence and femininity.

Tags: crossdressing, featured

Category: crossdressing, Transgender How To