Can’t Keep a Good B*tch Down

They say there is a conformity and discrimination in all factions of counter-culture. Whoever they are, they stand correct. When I was a kid I thought I’d eventually find solace in the gay community. Quite the contrary as I was too transgendered for them. Then I thought I’d be accepted by the transgendered community but they felt I was a bit too much drag queen for them. People commonly don’t think you get them or belong unless you’re just like them. Maybe it was engraved from grade school where we’re taught to only fraternize with our equals. So long as you like the same things and have the same genitals you can hang out together! They never wanted me in their groups then either.

The truth is, gentle readers, that no matter where you fit in somebody is going to tell you how you’re supposed to fit in. Now here I am, just a freak, and even my fellow freaks tell me I’m being too freaky from time to time. I wasn’t flamboyant enough to be gay and I refused to take hormones to become more of a woman. It’s another set of reasons behind why I’m such a loner. After the outcast groups told me I didn’t belong in their group I figured I’d just form my own. The group of fabulousness where anyone is welcome because I sure as shit don’t care what you feel, do or look like as long as you’re happy.

Every now and then I offered my opinionated missives or art to certain outlets only to be turned away. I always found that I was welcomed with open arms until the board meeting. They love your ideas but they have some ideas of their own! It’s like most people marrying someone who almost suits them perfectly. They think once the ring is on the finger they will slowly, over time make a few changes. Come to find out that nobody is changing anything and it’s time to draw up the divorce papers. Much like that marriage, I found the art “industry” so similar that I completely gave up at times restricting myself exclusively to my own platform.

I came back to work and found a few fabulous outlets that wanted my style. I began writing again and seriously inserting my opinion. Then came the call, “We’re feeling you could kind of tone it down as, quite frankly, you’re scaring people.” I’m not sure why it surprises me every time. Actually, I think it’s because I don’t find myself to be all that shocking or notorious. It’s a great compliment for the leader of a counterculture group who swears they are spreading truth to tell you to tone it down.

I can’t tell you how many times in my artistic adventures that I heard how famous I would be if I just played along a little bit better. I just can’t do it. I don’t want to know how they do it! To think that all these people on all these popular entertainment mediums are trained little monkeys not to swear or act outside of the confines of culture is stifling. You should never compromise yourself for anybody else! It’s unthinkable.

If not for print, surely free uncensored Internet radio would be as the label states. After all, some of these podcast guys are more heinous than Howard Stern. I signed with one of these stations after all. They waved that banner proudly: FREE SPEECH UNCENSORED! I was only a few shows into my third season when I was told that I was about to be thrown out because I couldn’t say certain “bad words” on air.

You’re either on board or you’re not on board. If you’re uncensored then you’re uncensored. You can’t be a freak until the freakiness doesn’t fit you anymore. Just because someone turns out to outfreak your freakiness or be more vulgar than you ever knew humanly possible does not mean you then draw a line. On the other hand, if you had originally set the rule to operate within a defined confined level of brashness then it would be understandable. I would then know that I am uncensored to a point but really was censored.

Recently I ended the fourth season of my radio show with why people thought bad words were so bad. I made sure to use all the words I wasn’t supposed to use. I made sure to use them very matter of fact as if I was discussing a science project. The point rings true across everything to me. It’s all about the tone and meaning you inject into anything that makes it all mean something. Words are bad because we make them bad. People are freaky because we call them freaks. God only exists because you say he does and so do freaks.

At the end of the day I have learned to be a party of one. Even amongst like-minded revolutionaries I find myself holding back, because I know that almost everyone is raised with this ridiculous programming. The truth is most of the people telling you to be yourself have a vision of what you should be. Like when you come out of the closet announcing you are gay and your mother says she had always envisioned grandchildren. Nobody ever seems to understand that the only vision for your life that matters is that of your own. I don’t care who thought I was going to be a lawyer, I wanted to be Madonna and that’s what should have been promoted throughout my growth. Less “go to college” and far more “be who you want to be, child.”

I’ve always tried to get my foot in the door with a charming smile and then speak my mind once everyone knows my intentions are true. It is the ways of war and we are fighting a war after all. This is the war of normalcy. This is a war against sheep mentality and a fight to destroy stereotypes within countercultures.

I recently wrote something for one of the publications I contribute to and for a laugh I threw in that “very bad word” I kept using on my show. You know, just to see what would happen. The publishers hit the roof and I was asked if that’s really what I had in mind. Again I defended myself and they ended up publishing the piece because they just couldn’t argue where I was coming from. You can’t argue this stuff because it’s the truth!

The point that the station owners and publishers were trying to make was you couldn’t be hateful with your speech. Am I the first person who has ever come along and said certain words without implying some horror behind them? Words are just words until you fill them with meaning. Guns are just sexy until you load them with bullets.

The problem with being yourself is the fear that nobody will like you. As Carrie’s mother said, “They’re all going to laugh at you!” The truth of the matter is that it doesn’t matter at all. The most lonely, outcast and tragic children become the most sought after figures of an adult life. Sure it’s tough not looking like all the other cookie cutter gingerbread men out there, but in the end you’ll find it much sweeter to be nothing like anybody else.

Be yourself and be strong. Never forget that just because they said you can’t say it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Don’t let them keep you down. There’s too many casualties to be anything but twenty feet tall and a powerhouse of uncensored creativity.

Tags: featured, opinion

Category: Transgender Opinion