Amanda’s Holiday Part 3 By Linda Jensen

Amanda is on her dream holiday.  As a crossdresser she had spent years hiding her second identity from those around her, those she loves most. She had been going away to find her Amanda time. No more. Amanda has ‘come out’ to her family, friends and now her neighbours. She is spending her two-week summer vacation at her home in ‘cottage country’ and she is spending it by substituting Amanda for “Paul”

Amanda wrote a daily blog for her colleagues in the Gender Mosaic support group. This is an abbreviated account.

The first eight days had passed well with Amanda participating fully in the life of a community of summer homes and permanent residents. Trips to the store, the post office and the dump were mixed in with visits to relatives and other cottagers.

Day 9

While at the dump the attendant gave me a funny look. I wondered if he read me. Then in the evening I realized I had been there two weeks earlier with the same attendant but I had a different wig on. Now I wonder what he thought of that. I usually try to wear the same wig to town each time I go so it is consistent. Too many changes will just draw attention.

Everyone seemed to leave early today. My daughter left at noon and my neighbours left at about 2 pm. Then I went for a swim. My middle neighbours were asleep on their dock so I didn’t even get a chance to talk to them.

During the evening I also realized that I just didn’t care if I was dressed or not. I have experienced this before where it seems that I have had enough Amanda for a while and I am happy to be Paul again. I felt myself moving in that direction. That was one of the reasons I asked for your support and encouragement. I wanted to maintain the 24/7 Amanda holiday to its end and see what that was like. With your encouragement I would dress even if I didn’t feel like it. I could see that the next day might be difficult to keep it up. So, on to Day 10.

Day 10

Well, I cheated today. By 10 a.m. the locusts were singing like crazy. It was going to be a very hot day and this was the day I picked to clean my bedroom and basement. I dressed in all female clothes, orange shorts, orange and white top, sandals and my short wig. I didn’t put on my makeup, bra and breastforms or my hip pads. So, I was still all female but I wouldn’t want to answer the door if someone knocked. So was I true to the plan? Much of the reason for dressing this way was the temperature. However, the feelings I described above were still there. There just was not a huge necessity to dress. This half way mode suited me just fine.

I started cleaning my bedroom before going to the basement. I spent all morning there and threw out a ton of clothing I don’t use anymore. This was not a purge; just a significant thinning. Value Village is in for a fairly large donation. With the heat it didn’t take long for the wig to come off but I stayed in my fem clothes until I was done work. I worked in the basement all afternoon. It was hot sweaty stuffy work.

I hope the weather is cooler tomorrow; or at least drier. I want to get back into full Amanda mode as soon as the basement is done.

Day 11

In the afternoon I got a phone call from my neighbor from further down the point. She has been very supportive over the years. One of the high heels from my collection is from her and the gorgeous fur coat I have was given to me by her. Last year she included me in an evening and dinner with her friends. It was just the girls. Her husband is not comfortable with Amanda but basically just does not want to deal with it. Well, she invited me to dinner a couple of days away. By then I will be completely back into my Amanda holiday. So I told her that and asked her to ask her husband if that was OK. He responded that he would rather have dinner with Paul the following week. I appreciate his honesty but I am still a little surprised at his reaction in that he is a very astute person who is in a prominent position in a large corporation where they have already dealt with transitioning people. I thought he might use this as an opportunity to learn more about the TG Community. I am rather disappointed that he didn’t. However, I will have dinner with them next week and will enjoy their company. I am not going to let this affect my mood. Oh, I will take a bottle of “Girl’s Night Out” or “Little Black Dress” wine with me when I go. I may still get an opportunity to educate.\

After our phone conversation my neighbour came to my door within 10 minutes. She apologized for her husband’s reaction and brought me a gift from their trip to London, England where they went to see the play Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. I have seen the movie but didn’t know there was a play too. She brought me a T-Shirt from the play and also a high heel door stop. Cool.

Day 12

Before I went to get the truck I took my orange nail polish off to do some minor repairs to a couple of nails. I didn’t put any new nail polish on because I want to go to Belleville tomorrow and have them properly done at the nail shop. The orange polish actually helped protect my nails when I was working in the basement.

I spent the afternoon building a new work bench that my daughter gave me. I have a few things to put back into place when the garbage is gone and then I am totally done in the basement.

I am now anxious to get back to Amanda’s Holiday. I have some thorough hair removal to do in the morning. Then off to Belleville.

Day 13

I spent about an hour doing hair removal and having a shower. I started by epilating my arms and upper chest. It isn’t terribly painful now since I have done it several times. If you do it frequently enough the hairs don’t have much chance to take hold. Then I jumped in the shower and shaved my legs. After my shower and while my face was still warm and wet I shaved my face. I found my face really interesting. I had a laser treatment two weeks ago and right now there are very few black hairs. Since there were so few black hairs all I needed to use was one layer of liquid foundation and powder instead of the usual liquid, paste, another paste and then powder. This was really nice. It is what I have been hoping for since I started beard removal. I know the hairs will grow back in but right now it is great.

With all my clothes and makeup done I was ready to head to Belleville for some shopping but mostly to have my nails polished again. This is my little decadence. I  enjoy having my nails done properly at a salon. I have been able to maintain my nails up to now. I hope I can keep them going until the very end of my holidays. They were very busy at the Nail Salon but were able to take me almost immediately. However, this proved to be a mistake. The lady rushed me through, obviously, trying to get to another customer. She did my finger nails first but just globbed the polish on. After my finger nails she went under the nail table to do my toe nails. That’s right, under the table. I didn’t mind a quick job but the quality was very poor. Then I smudged three nails on my left hand and had to get her to do them over again. She was even faster this time. I wasn’t happy with the job. On my way out of the salon I went up to the girl who did my nails last week and asked her name (Cathy) and said next time I would ask for her. Then I left. I got outside the store and looked at my nails. The job was awful. I was really disappointed. Then I decided I just wasn’t going to put up with this. I went back and asked when Cathy would be available and asked that she fix my nails. My appointment was an hour and a half later but it was worth the wait. Cathy did a great job. There was no charge for the fix up but Cathy got the tip I would have given to the other lady. It didn’t happen the way I would have liked but by the time I was heading home I had a wonderful set of nails again.

On my way home I stopped at Foodland for a couple of things. I ran into the person who is the chairman of the board for the nursing home that my mother was at. He had forgotten his grocery list and had to come back to the car to get it. I made a snide comment about his age. He said, “Watch it lady!” We laughed and chatted as we went into the store. He didn’t recognize me.

I got home in time for happy hour. Three of the people there had not met Amanda before. After a little awkwardness we all settled into being happy. It became very comfortable very quickly. I invited them over tomorrow to look at the renovations I have done here in the last year.

Day 14

With the thunder storm last night the power went off at about 10 p.m.. The candles came out. Taking my makeup off to go to bed was a little more difficult but fortunately, someone left a package of Baby Wipes on the bathroom counter from the Q6 weekend. I have actually been using them all of my holiday. Sorry, but I won’t be returning the package to the owner. But thank you. I wasn’t able to use soap and water but the wipes did a pretty good job.

The power was still off in the morning. I sent ‘Paul’ down to the lake to get a bucket of water to flush the toilet. He disappeared after that. I don’t know where he is right now. I boiled a pot of water on the BBQ element for a cup of coffee and shaving. I did my makeup in dull light. I had to do it right away since I didn’t set a time for my neighbors to come over to see the cottage. I assumed my beard was still virtually gone so I just used one layer of liquid foundation. I can’t tell you how nice this feels to eliminate the two other layers of foundation. I suspect that when all my facial hair is gone I will be able to go out with no foundation at all. However, I don’t know if my vanity will let me do that. Naturally, the power came back on just as I finished my makeup. A quick check with the lights on proved that I had done a satisfactory job.

My new fuscia nails are flashing across the keyboard as I type. Have I mentioned that I really like having nice nails?

My neighbors arrived mid afternoon for their tour. I should have mentioned yesterday that the group of people who came to happy hour are neighbors whom I have known for a long time. I grew up with the brother and sister. Then there was his wife, their daughter and her husband. I have known all these people for a long time except the husband. I met him the day before in Paul mode. Yesterday I sensed a wall go up when he met Amanda. He definitely has a jock mentality. He relaxed after a while. I was betting with myself whether or not he would come with the rest of the family for the tour. Quite unsurprising to me he did not join them. Oh well. What I really did like about their visit, though, was the warmth I felt from them. We didn’t get into any TG stuff but the conversation was easy. Eye contact and warm wishes were genuine. I felt very good after their visit.

I am going to Ottawa tomorrow for the Gender Mosaic Monthly dinner out. I’ll see what else I add into the day.

Day 15

Today was a nice normal girl day. I woke up, had a shower and shaved my legs, did my makeup, decided on an outfit for the day and had breakfast. It feels quite normal but I still like it.

My niece dropped by with her boyfriend, who has only met Amanda once briefly, to show me their new dog. Ten minutes later another niece arrived with her boyfriend who had never met Amanda. They all sat and chatted for about 20 minutes. I really enjoyed their visit. I was really pleased that they felt comfortable enough to drop by.

In the afternoon I left for Ottawa and the Gender Mosaic Dinner Out. This was my opportunity to show off my nails to the group. They made it all the way through my holidays and looked great. I got some very nice comments about them. We had a great dinner at the Cafe Colonnade. It is one of the better known pizza restaurants in Ottawa. The food was great and the 25 of us had a lot of fun. That was an excellent turn out.

I am staying in Ottawa for the next two nights. Next week is Gay Pride Week and three Pride Flag Raisings are on Monday so I will stay for them. Then my holidays are over and back to work.

I called my daughter to see if I could stay with her. She said yes. We are both sitting on the couch working on our computers. We have even instant messaged each other a couple of times.

Day 16

I stayed in Ottawa today to save four hours of driving. Today was the in between day from the Gender Mosaic dinner and the Flag Raising tomorrow.

I called my son to see what his plans were for the day and arranged to have dinner with him, his wife and their son. My daughter also will join us. That gave me the middle of the day to fill. So…..

I have wanted to see the movie Star Trek ever since it came out. I went to see it. After the movie I did a little shopping at the mall. The only thing I was interested in was some jewelry. The jewelry stores in the mall are small with limited selection. But there is a big box Ardene store not too far away. I went there and spent a long time trying on different pieces. It was fun to really take my time and look at everything. I wanted a purple necklace for my outfit for tomorrow, a turquoise necklace for the outfit I was currently wearing and a third necklace of some sort. Their necklaces are around $12 each or 3 for $15. It only makes sense to buy three. I found the purple one almost immediately. I looked at some black ones and picked a nice one with a large bead hanging from the necklace. Then I took forever deciding on the turquoise one. It was really nice and very relaxing picking and choosing. This was fun. As usual I attracted no untoward attention at all.

By the time I was done jewelry shopping it was time to head to my son’s. We had a lemonade on the patio before going to the restaurant. He complimented me twice on how nice I looked. Later my daughter said he said the same thing to her when they were alone. That’s nice. My grandson arrived and said, “Hi Amanda.” He also wanted to drive with me to the restaurant. He just doesn’t care about the crossdressing. My two granddaughters were away in Texas visiting their aunt. They are also cool with Amanda. The three of us went for manicures one Christmas as their present from me. We had a nice dinner at a Chinese buffet restaurant nearby; pleasant conversation and several trips to the buffet. My daughter-in-law pointed out to me that this was the first time my son had gone anywhere in public with me. I wasn’t even aware of that. That’s pretty cool. We went back to their patio and chatted for a while. It was so nice. Who could ask for anything more?

Day 17

(L-R) Anthony Di Monte, Chief, Ottawa Paramedic Service, Susan Jones, General Manager, Emergency & Protective Services, Alan Chaffe, Chair, Capital Pride, our very own Amanda Ryan and Deanna Schofield, Superintendent, Ottawa Paramedic Service.

I was up early this morning at 5:30 a.m. to get to the Pride Flag Raising at Ottawa Police Headquarters at 7:30. A pancake breakfast was followed by the flag raising. The Ottawa Police have been incredibly supportive in the last number of years. It was a good ceremony with lots of media coverage.

Next was the Flag Raising at the Paramedic Headquarters. This was their first Flag Raising for Pride. We had been asked to try to get a good number of our members out to this event and were able to get five of us. Not bad for a Monday daytime event. This went very well and, hopefully, has opened doors for future educational or informational events.

I missed the third Flag Raising at City Hall. I was tired and the drive home through rush hour and then the late arrival at home just seemed too much. So, I left that for other members of this community to handle.

On my drive home my testosterone kicked in big time. I passed a motorcycle with two riders and then a transport truck. The cyclist, obviously, didn’t like that. Maybe because a woman driver had the gall to pass him. So he screamed past me. Then he pulled out to pass three or four other cars. I suspect he thought he would lose me. He didn’t. I stuck to his tail and passed the same group of cars. I think his girlfriend told him to smarten up. I passed him and a few other cars but he stayed where he was. I won. Now…was that a guy paragraph or what?

I got home in time for happy hour with my sister and a neighbour. Just nice to sit in the sun and relax and let Amanda chill out as she concludes two eventful weeks.

Conclusion

Wow, where to start?? There were so many firsts during this holiday. I have never been Amanda for this long all at once. A holiday like this happened because I have spent a lot of time and energy making it possible to be out and about as Amanda. Since coming out in 2001 I have talked to family, friends and neighbors about Amanda so they understand what I am doing. That it is a part of my identity. That it is normal. I have had positive reactions from anyone I talked to.

This holiday was about pushing the envelope further. In effect I challenged my neighbors and family to deal with me. I also challenged myself. I put myself into new situations to see what would happen.

The first week was exciting. I got to tell everyone that I was spending my two weeks 24/7 Amanda. I socialized regularly with neighbours, some who had met Amanda and some that had just heard about Amanda.

During my holiday Amanda got to experience:
•    Happy Hour and dinners at my sister’s
•    Keeping my nail polish on constantly
•    Passing consistently
•    Wearing perfume anytime I wanted without thinking of the next day
•    Manicure and pedicure (Oh how I love a manicure)
•    Being poorly served in a nail shop but standing up for my right to better service
•    Shopping
•    Rubbing elbows with Ottawa’s police chief and other officials

The second week was quite different from the first. By then everything got normal. Waking up in the morning, shaving my legs, applying makeup, picking an outfit were all just part of everyday activities. Even grocery shopping and getting other things in town were just normal. Everyone got used to seeing Amanda every day and there was nothing special about that. My conversations were about everyday things. It felt really good to see people and just chat. The awkwardness was gone.

The three day hiatus to clean the basement showed some interesting aspects about me. First was the ease of slipping back into what was essentially male mode. I didn’t have any of the emotional trauma that is common in this Community when switching back to one’s birth gender. Very high temperatures were the main reason to switch back but underlying that was that I simply didn’t have that overwhelming need to be 100% Amanda. The morning I went back to work after the holiday was also the same thing. I took off my nail polish and clipped my nails without trauma. It was disappointing to clip them. I really love having long nails. But it was nothing more than disappointing.

Now the big question that I have been asked a few times already is, “Was this holiday a test to see if I wanted to transition?” The answer is yes it was a test. I know I can not be Paul 100% of the time. That just doesn’t work. The question I wanted to answer was can I be Amanda 100% of the time. I had an idea what the result would be but I wanted to give things a try and see just how far I could see Amanda going. I have felt all along that I would be more content with myself as Amanda than Paul. Frankly, the difference is not that significant. So is it worth all the expense and difficulty of transitioning if the difference is minimal? This holiday confirmed my thoughts that I can balance my male and female identities. Provided that I can get out enough as Amanda then the balance works. So transitioning is not in my plans.

Thank you for reading my blog and for all the wonderful comments that have come back to me. The “You Go Girl” statements were amazing and very appreciated. That’s what support groups are all about.

Amanda

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