Dawn and Hannah

Dawn and Hannah

It happened by accident but we’re transitioning as a couple.

My very first post publicly talking about the way I am experiencing Hannah’s transition was a bit overwhelming, as I revisit the last 7 months of our lives and discuss things with Hannah I realize that so much has happened and that to re-tell every story might take longer than actually living them, so to that end many hours have been spent on how I am going to choreograph this time line. With that being said I just want to start with some of my personal thoughts.

The moment that Mannah whispered to me that since he was a boy that all he wanted to be was a girl, I knew that right then and there Mannah was going to be in my life forever. Right there in that moment I was given a responsibility that carried with it spending a lifetime with someone who was basically a stranger to me. I was the only person that Mannah had ever been able to tell. He had tried to tell his wife, a couple girlfriends in the past, but no one was receptive to even the smallest thing. Like dressing up. No one person in his life had indulged him in this and now Mannah bestowed upon me this awesome gift. I felt so honored that to be that person. But I was scared. The last thing I want to do is cause any more harm to this person who was so beautifully sad but so full of innocence and hope.

So, I am going to say this over and over again most likely, because I feel it’s true, as does Hannah, but Mannah couldn’t not have picked a better person to tell. Not because I am open minded, but because I have an issue with fun, in that if something seems fun, I throw logic out the window and I have fun. What initially was fun to me was the idea of letting this man explore himself a little bit and I get play dress up. I didn’t really see it going much further than having a living doll to play with and he gets to have his little slice of heaven. Who knew what was going to happen? I could never in a million years guess that things would turn out the way they did and in such an explosive fashion.

I live life through the experiences that come my way. I don’t plan much of my life and I definitely attract a certain type of person to me, be it friend, lover, or spectator. I am, as far as I am concerned, quite a boring person that happens to have a lot of fun things come into my life. The way people in my life see it is that my life is crazy and exciting, full of drama, but really cool, and they love to hear my stories, because quite honestly, no one has lived life like mine, and I’ve done nothing but live. So, when I say I was excited because of the fun, I was really excited because of the fun.

I have always have this thing about me that for some reason gets people to share with me their deepest secrets, fantasies, guilt’s, what it they need to let go of, almost assuredly I will be the first person to ever hear their story. So at this stage in my life, I don’t get phased by much, and I have learned to ask questions, because people who tell you their secret, most likely want to discuss it in as much detail as you’ll allow. I love this about people, it helps me learn so much about how people really work inside their head and it helps me to realize that everyone is broken in some fashion and further cements the very thing in me that has driven me to be who I am today; that everyone needs someone to listen to them. I learned this as a very young, extremely depressed child. When I reached out, no one reached back, but they all told me things about themselves, like it was a competition in sorrow. I tried to find someone to listen so I could feel better and found no one.

At such a young age, I realized nobody ever really listens to what is being said, so I decided that if I couldn’t find what I was looking for when I reached out, that I would be the person that people would find when they reached out. I couldn’t bear the idea of anyone feeling as sad and lonely as myself. The pain and anguish I felt was almost unbearable, so I took those emotions that I felt and still deal with to this day and I have used them to help me empathize and feel the way others do so that they don’t have to walk through life feeling alone. As the years have gone by, the need for someone to listen is still strong as ever.

My life is definitely full of people who are in it for a reason, season, moment, or a lifetime. My lifers are very few, but my seasons and moments are plentiful, as far as the reasons go, that is them, I don’t know what happens to them. No matter the outcome to any of my relationships, all I ever hope is that the person can take things away from our time together that are positive and apply to their future lives, as I will most assuredly take many things from that same time and apply to mine. My whole life I have felt that I am supposed to make a difference and when I was younger I thought it had to be on a grander scale, but as I’ve gotten older I have come to learn that I do make a difference, that I have changed the world, even if it has been one person at a time, over my lifetime. It is worth it.

Turns out that although I am not a girlie girl by any stretch of the imagination, I do occasionally go through these moments where I want to be a girl. I love purses, shoes, clothes, I love it all, but I don’t use it all. And after meeting Mannah, I realized I have been filling my home with these girlie things because I was preparing for Hannah. My clothes and shoes fit her, she loved my purses, I had bras that were able to give the appearance of breasts so the clothes were filled out nicely, everything I owned as far as fashion and cosmetics were concerned, became hers.

In hindsight, I realize that at the beginning in my efforts to give Hannah the experiences she deserved, I might have slowed us both down a bit, instead of riding the emotional momentum that occurred. However, once I gave the okay, Hannah came through her doors like a force to be reckoned with. She really wanted the world to know and I loved her strength and her willingness to just be free and her desire to be her. I didn’t want to stop it in any way. What I am watching is a caterpillar going through her life cycles, and at the end, the most beautiful butterfly is going to emerge. I am so excited for her to really be free to be her and don’t want to get in her way.

Going back to the slowing down part, so, Hannah in all her enthusiasm and her need to get this out in the open decided to tell her family immediately and it was both good and bad for Hannah, and all that. She found out that she had a pretty cool little sister. She found out that her in-laws weren’t as receptive. Mannah turned to his in-laws to help him tell his wife. At this point she had been out of town and was due back in a couple days and Mannah was done living the lie. As of right now, the in-laws and the wife, are the only people who aren’t receptive to the idea of it. And they are also the people that make Mannah sad the most often. It breaks my heart that the people that Mannah really trusted and thought would be open minded have been the most damaging.

I do understand the wife’s hurt and confusion up to a point, at the same time I think to myself if she really loved Mannah in the first place, then she’d at least be willing to meet Hannah and just get to know her a little bit. To me, presenting herself as a lesbian to save her marriage didn’t seem like too much of a request. Yes, I totally understand that in her mind she feels like she’s been lied to, but that thought should really be superseded with the thought that Hannah has quite literally lived with this thought since she was young enough to remember having memories. She has had to lie to herself, she has had to be Mannah and play her own version of dress up her whole life. So although there may be a small amount of hurt on the wife’s behalf, she should really feel how emotionally tasking it is to live a life completely based on a facade to keep everyone they love happy.

To deny oneself themselves, has to be so hard, and I say the person that survives that life in their brain is quite amazing and has so much potential for greatness. To not see that and to not embrace that is such a horrible waste of a great lesson that can be learned and taught. I know I see this through rose colored glasses, but I see life through rose colored glasses, most of the time. All the same, I am a realist and I knew from the beginning that this is going to be a long process emotionally and physically for Hannah. I know that I have to be extremely strong for her so that she knows she always has someone to lean on.

What I didn’t expect were my reactions to this. I am a chameleon when it comes to me. I go with the flow pretty easily, so presenting myself as a lesbian so Hannah could be out in the world didn’t phase me then, and it doesn’t phase me now. I was surprised by the way I started to see myself once I involved myself on a more personal level. I have had to deal with my own identity issues, not gender issues, because I am 100% female, and not really sexual identity, because I have always been an equal opportunist, but mostly I guess I was looking for my own label.

Which I have thankfully given up my quest for, because I am still the same person, and that person has always just been different and those that love me know this and so I decided, who cares. I really don’t. But I do have questions that both her and I have discussed. After really putting thought into it, her and I are in a lesbian relationship. Boy parts or not, she is a girl and if she is a girl, and I am girl, it makes us lesbians. Cool. I always figured I’d end up in a relationship with a girl.

I have always been a boy. My mother used to introduce me as her youngest son. I love working on cars, getting greasy, shooting guns, rough housing, racing cars, climbing trees, you name it, I love the things that boys do and I am quite comfortable doing them. I am aggressive in nature, I am forward when I speak, I love physical labor. I yell loud, I use profanities that would and has embarrassed a few men in my day. I have an extremely dirty mind. My mind lives in the gutter. I am definitely extremely masculine, I embrace it. As I mentioned in my last post, I’d love to have a penis. I love women. They are beautiful.

I have always been a girl. My mother used to let me play dress up with her clothes. I love putting on makeup, I can spend hours on my eyes alone. I love that beyond the fact that I’ve aged nicely and have always been pretty, that I am sexy. I have always known that about myself and have always had to be aware of how I put myself out there. I am emotional, I cry easy, I absolutely adore the idea of being in love. I am a romantic at heart. I do believe love can get you through anything. Love and patience. I love being in love. I love having a vagina. I love that I gave birth to my children and being a mom is the best thing in life. I also love men. Men give me something that a woman can’t. Men are beautiful.

I am androgynous as well, so I get that as a person I can be confusing. One of the first nights out Hannah and I had we went to a lesbian bar down town. By chance a woman I had worked with in the past was there, which made the night flow nicely. Hannah and I both dressed up so we looked good. A guy started chatting up Hannah right away and she was so open to it, it was awesome. She waited her whole life to be able to talk to other people, I am so lucky that I got to be part of that. My friend and I were talking and she was commenting on us and that it was hard to tell who was who, and although that might be upsetting to some, I took it as a compliment. Hannah is very tall and slender and she her face is demeanor is all girl. I think it tells you how well we did in getting her dressed for the evening but really it tells you just how natural it is for Hannah to be a girl. She has this natural beauty to her that would make any woman jealous.

Thankfully for Hannah, passing really isn’t a concern. She was born ready to shine and shine she has. I on the other-hand, up until the last few months have always been concerned that I may come off as too manly, and now that I’ve assumed the more dominant role in our relationship, the idea doesn’t bother me like it once did. I like that she feels secure with me, and trusts me with her and who she becomes. But also for the first time in my life, I am going out of my way to look pretty for someone. I love how pretty she makes me feel. I am more self confident because of her. She tells me how beautiful I am every day. I’ve heard how beautiful I am my entire life, and not a single person makes me actual feel beautiful the way Hannah does. She has shown me beauty through her eyes and its amazing. She has made me a better more self confident person.

I have come to terms with the idea that maybe my past relationships have failed because of a power struggle. I think that maybe in the long run I may have accidentally emasculated my exes. The feeling I get when Hannah turns into me and looks for me to hold her and comfort her is amazing; the idea of ever letting her go tears me apart. The thought of anybody ever causing her emotional or physical pain hurts me to think about. She is so tender and fragile. I want to protect her from everything that can hurt her. The way she looks at me, melts my very being. She is so beautiful. I am so blessed that she picked me. Although this is an extremely abnormal relationship, it is by far the healthiest relationship I have ever had with someone. It is the most genuine.

I know that for many that this road isn’t easy for whatever reason. There is a so much confusion and uncertainty when it comes to be transgender. The ups and downs are many. The questions, the what if’s. The losses, the gains. It is a constant back and forth struggle that can strangle a person emotionally. The lack of support from within their own homes and communities is disgusting. Maybe it is because I’ve lived a life that brought so many closeted people into it that I feel it is way past due for people to be allowed to be themselves, or maybe my rose colored glasses are too rosy, I am tired of people judging people by the most unimportant things.

One day gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, none of it is going to matter. Why does it have to be one day? Why can’t it be today? Why does breaking down these walls require so much work? Why is it so hard for you to be you and me to be me? Why are we still having issues with equality and being treated fairly, like we all want to be treated? It seems that over three decades nearing four that I’ve been alive, people would have learned by now to be nice to each other and stop forcing their outdated ideas of what normal is into our collective conscientiousness. It is hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that feminism, civil rights, racism, abortion rights, the war on drugs are still in the forefront of our political landscape; years later these issues are still on wash, rinse, repeat. I am ready for the world to change.

Tags: featured, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul