Partners: Spouses, Lovers & Significant Others

Background Paper 3.2 Revised, April 1990, from the Renaissance Education Association, Inc.

While many transvestites, male and female, heterosexual and homosexual, want to have a meaningful and loving relationship with another person, most fear that discovery of their need to crossdress will result in total rejection. So, not wanting to chance being rejected by their lovers, they choose to conceal their behavior. Some transvestites believe that marriage or a similar committed relationship will enable them to stop crossdressing. But this is rarely the case and the need continues. As a relationship progresses, the transvestite is faced with a dilemma; should the behavior be revealed, or should it be concealed? On the positive side for disclosure is openness and honesty in the relationship. On the negative side is the relationship’s possible dissolution. Transvestites who choose to share this facet of their personality can expect a variety of responses. In some relationships, the partner’s response oscillates between outright rejection and total acceptance. But even in the best of circumstances, disclosure generally alters the relationship.

Partner’s Issues: The myths of transgender behavior.

1. Social Stigma — What you don’t see is what you often get.

In our society today, it is acceptable for women to wear a variety of clothing, from sexy and sensual (e.g. slinky dresses), to utilitarian and functional (jeans and sweaters). They have the opportunity to express their inner feelings through the clothes they choose to wear in public. In general, men do not have the same option. Male attire is traditionally conservative. Flamboyant male attire, other than in a theatrical setting, is associated with homosexual or profligate behavior. A male in traditional female clothing is automatically assumed to homosexual, or a sexual pervert, or a generally undesirable person. A female in traditional male clothing will not experience the same labeling process, unless she takes the crossdressing to wild extremes. In this respect, a female crossdresser is less likely to experience a social stigma for her crossdressing behavior.

Partners in relationships with crossdressers may experience fear of social reprisals if their mate’s crossdressing is discovered. This is not an unreasonable reaction. In many job situations, particularly in government service, the discovery of crossdressing behavior may be grounds for immediate dismissal. The social stigma attached to crossdressing can make a partner afraid to confide their fears and concerns to anyone else. They are afraid that they may be ridiculed or ostracized for being a partner in such a relationship. This leads to feelings of isolation.

One might assume that partners in homosexual relationships would be more accepting of crossdressing behavior. This is simply not the case. A homosexual partner may fear reinforcing the social stereotype which links homosexuality with behaviors associated with the other gender (the effeminate gay man, the masculine lesbian). So, they too have fear of social reprisals.

2. Self-esteem — You’re not okay and neither am I.

Some partners react to spousal crossdressing out of a lack of self-esteem. They immediately ask, “What have I done wrong? …How could s/he do this to me? …What is wrong with me?”  People who react this way feel negatively about themselves and they transfer the “guilt” of the behavior to themselves.

Women in our Western culture have not enjoyed a position of equality for over 2000 years. They’ve been told they’re “too fragile” or “not intelligent enough” to perform certain jobs. We know this is simply not true today, but the socialization of women as “lessers” to men continues around the world. It is no wonder, then, that a heterosexual women may react negatively to her husband’s crossdressing. She may feel that she has failed as a women, a wife and a lover. She may also feel she must “compete” with her husband’s feminine persona. She may be threatened by his crossdressing, particularly if he looks convincingly like a female.

A heterosexual man who discovers he has married a crossdressing woman, may experience similar feelings of inadequacy and competition, although “masculine” women are more acceptable to society than “feminine” men.

Because, by definition, a homosexual is erotically aroused by a same-sex body image, the partner of a crossdresser in a homosexual relationship may experience feelings of rejection, both for and by the crossdresser. If the partner already has self-esteem issues because of their sexual orientation, the crossdressing may only serve to exacerbate these feelings.

3. Sexuality — Am I straight or gay?

Initially, a partner may have doubts about their mate’s sexual orientation. The most common reactions by a heterosexual female partner are the fears that the transvestite is actually a transsexual, a homosexual who will engage in promiscuous sex, or that the transvestite is a sexual deviate and potentially psychopathic. Some of these preconceived notions are reinforced by stereotypes in film and literature, e.g. the films Psycho, Homicidal and No Way To Treat a Lady. Sometimes the assumptions about sexual orientation or transsexualism will prove to be true, but, more often than not, they are without merit.

The homosexual partner often rejects the transvestite because the partner is not attracted to other-gender figures or because of the

However, many partners of transvestites will, sooner or later, begin to question their own sexuality. Here they are in a relationship with a person that desires (at least on occasion) to appear and be treated as the opposite sex. What does that feel like for the partner? Since male transvestism is intimately tied to eroticism, many male transvestites want to engage in sex while crossdressed. For a heterosexual female partner, questions of latent lesbiansim may appear. For a homosexual partner, the issue becomes the sexual orientation of the crossdresser. Will s/he leave me for a straight man or woman?

Whatever the case, doubt about one’s sexuality and sexual orientation can only put an additional strain on the relationship.

4. Loss of Intimacy — What I did for love.

It is often remarked by transvestites that their crossdressing activities hurt no one. This point of view is a selfish one; not surprisingly since transvestism is a narcissistic, selfish behavior. Quite often a transvestite will become so engrossed in their crossdressing that they begin to neglect the public and private social aspects of a committed relationship. Extraordinary amounts of time, energy, and, frequently, money are spent developing their alter-ego. The partner of a transvestite in the throes of this self-discovery will often find themselves an “outsider” and feeling neglected. This soon leads to resentment and problems in the relationship.

As noted above, some transvestites desire to engage in sex while crossdressed. If the partner finds this objectionable and resists, the transvestite may react by withdrawing their physical affection. This alienation of affection then feeds other problems in the relationship.

Partner’s Responses

1. Total Acceptance 

In some instances, partners express complete and total acceptance of the crossdressing behavior. This may be due to a knowledge of transvestism gained from past personal experience, or because of a sincere belief that people should be entitled to express themselves in any non-destructive manner. A partner of this type realizes that many of the good qualities that drew them to the transvestite are due to that person’s transgendered nature. The partner also does not feel constrained by society’s definitions of masculinity and femininity. In rare cases, a heterosexual couple will reverse the stereotypical roles with the male becoming the domestic partner and the female the breadwinner, even to the extent of the crossdresser adopting a full-time female persona. In some male homosexual relationships, the transvestite could adopt the visible, public role of the “wife,” thus giving the outward appearance that the relationship is heterosexual. Among lesbians, the transvestite could, if both partners agreed, take on the public role of the “husband.

2. Total Rejection 

At the opposite end of possible responses the partner unequivocally cannot accept the behavior and requires that the crossdressing stop. This is often followed with a threat of separation or even public exposure. Partners may try manipulating the transvestite with statements like, “If you really love me, you will stop.” It is well documented that, regardless of the intentions, transvestites cannot just say “No” to crossdressing. The partner’s complete rejection eventually dissolves the relationship.

3. Partial Acceptance 

Some partners react mildly to the disclosure of crossdressing desires, recognizing that the behavior is unusual but generally harmless, if managed properly. However, attempts by the transvestite to involve the partner more intimately in their activities may be met with resistance. Such resistance may be perceived by the transvestite as a personal rejection when it may actually be just a rejection of the shared activity. A partner who initially shows partial acceptance is more likely to progress to total acceptance when provided with the proper information about the phenomenon. This sometimes leads to an expansion of shared activities involving crossdressing. But the partner’s needs in the relationship must be recognized. Common problems occur when the transvestite loses sight of the need to have a “public” relationship; i.e. one which the partners share with neighbors and family members, or when the transvestite fails to realize that the partner may not totally share the enthusiasm for crossdressing.

4. Partial Rejection 

The partner is repulsed by crossdressing and is distraught over the behavior. In an attempt to salvage the relationship, the partner acknowledges the need to dress, but will not allow it “in the house” or “in my presence.” Or, the partner says, “you can do it, but I don’t want to know about it.” Initially, this may appear as progress in the relationship. But if the couple remains at this stage, no longer discussing the behavior, resentment may develop on the part of either individual. This discontent can spill over into other issues and eventually the partners move toward alienation. If the couple keeps a dialogue open and if they explore the phenomena together in a non-hostile manner, the partner sometimes accepts the behavior as not threatening to the relationship. Thus, partial rejection may eventually become partial or total acceptance.

Coping in a Relationship

1. When and how to tell a partner 

As stated at the outset, many transvestites fear rejection and so never disclose their crossdressing behavior. The majority of transvestites in relationships are either “discovered” or eventually tell their significant other about the dressing, anyway. So, the dreaded disclosure occurs anyway. It has been noted by several researchers that the longer a partner is kept in the dark about transvestism, the more negative their reaction after disclosure. It is, therefore, recommeded that a partner be informed early on in a serious relationship, and certainly before marriage. The timing of disclosure must be selected carefully. There are no hard rules. If it feels like the right time, it probably is.

The transvestite needs to be sensitive to the partner during the disclosure process. Bear in mind that, generally,  the partner has been socialized to reject transvestism. The idea is to provide information about the behavior, not force acceptance. The setting should be intimate and private. Be prepared to spend as much time as necessary answering questions. Once the initial disclosure has been made, if the partner seems understanding at all, future conversations will be much easier.

2. Some Disclosure Guidelines for the Transvestite 

Don’ts

• Don’t overwhelm your partner with information. Stop long enough to let them ask questions. Be prepared to stop immediately if the reaction is one of shock. Sometimes, the reaction may be delayed by days or weeks. Be prepared to deal with this situation.
• Don’t describe transvestism in negative terms, i.e. a “problem.” Transvestism is a part of one’s personality, for better or worse, and it will never go away. So, why make it more difficult to deal with by giving it a negative connotation?
• Don’t surprise your partner by showing up crossdressed. Let your partner ask to see you that way. It is a good idea to show them a photo first. Later they may ask to meet your “other-self” in person.
• Don’t rush your partner off to a transvestite support group meeting until after they’ve seen you dressed in private. Your partner may choose to never see you dressed and may never want to attend a group meeting. If this is the compromise to fit your need to dress, you must accede.

Do’s

• Do have printed information, like this paper, for your partner to read. Avoid fantasy literature and magazines with contact ads.
• Do suggest talking to a professional counselor for impartial answers to their questions.
• Do suggest joining a Significant Other Support group where your partner may find peer support from the partners of other transvestites.
• Do discuss limits and constraints on the crossdressing behavior if your partner seems to be understanding of your need. Some topics might be: where and when crossdressing is acceptable; the role of crossdressing in the bedroom; and whether or not to tell others, including children, other family members and friends.

3. Some Coping Strategies For Both Partners  

For the transvestite:

Keep trying to communicate your needs. Listen carefully to your partner’s needs too. Talk about feelings. But, overall, keep the communication lines open.

Maintain a balance between your “public” social life and your “private” crossdressing life. Respect your partner’s need to have social interactions with people other than more crossdressers. Just as you want time for crossdressing, your partner will want time for hobbies and other personal interests.

Respond to your partner sexually as yourself, not your crossdressed perosna, more often than you think is necessary. Show your love and appreciation openly and frequently.

For the partner:

Recognize some incontrovertible facts about transvestism. It will never go away. There is no “cure,” psychological or physical, for transvestism. Your partner’s need to crossdress arises from within. It is not a result of failure of your relationship nor any failure on your part.

Having sex with a crossdressed partner, if it is pleasing to both of you, is not sick or perverted. Sexual variations abound in many relationships; this is simply one variation.  You may find that lovemaking in this manner is especially stimulating both both of you. On the other hand, if you find this practice wholly disagreeable, you should not be coerced into doing anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Make it clear that you are rejecting the activity and not your partner.

Focus on the positive aspects of transvestism. Some partners find their mates are more sensitive and attentive when crossdressed. Women who have transvestite husbands may find the men more helpful around the house with cleaning and cooking chores.

Be willing to compromise but don’t let your own needs be overwhelmed by the crossdressing. Negotiate limits and rules.

Join a Significant Others Support group for peer support. You may find comfort in discussing your issues with other partners who have similar issues. Compromise solutions may be shared in such a group. Many transvestite support groups have formed auxiliary groups for partners. Be aware, however, that researchers have found that the most effective Significant Other Support groups are those that are independent of the transvestite groups.

4. Seek Professional Counseling 

Many adults have a great deal of difficulty talking about emotional issues, particularly men. It may make sense then to seek out a professional counselor to help partners deal with transvestism in the relationship. Lack of communication and the inability to articulate one’s needs are the most commonly cited problems faced by any couple in counseling. A competent therapist can facilitate the learning of new communication skills.

In addition, the therapist can prevent one partner coercing the other into unacceptable positions; either forcing the acceptance of crossdressing or forcing the cessation of crossdressing. The point of counseling is not to reach one or the other of these extremes, but to find the “win-win” compromise that will permit the partners to continue in a meaningful and loving relationship.

 

IV. References:

Women Married to Transvestites: Problems and Adjustments, Bullough, V. L. and Weinberg, T. S., Journal of Psychology & Human Sexuality, Vol. 1(2), p83, 1988

Alienation, Self-Image, and the Importance of Support Groups for the Wives of Transvestites, Weinberg, T. S. and Bullough, V. L., The Journal of Sex Research, Vol. 24, p262, 1988

Wives of Crossdressers: Isolated and Misunderstood, Peo, R. E., monograph,
Out Of Print

Issued by Renaissance

A non-profit association to educate the professional and general communities about transgendered people.