Unintended Column

Dear Reader,

I never intended to write this column. I absolutely intended last month’s column to be my final column here — part of an epitaph.

If you read my blog, you already know what I’m writing about. On September 13th, I turned fifty. I had plans for that day. For months I planned and prepared, and on the night of the 12th, all was ready. I set timers on a blog entry and emails to be sent, which, if not disabled, would be sent at 11 a.m.

Months I planned. I was up before dawn. I drove to Valley Forge Park… and…

Nothing.

I couldn’t do it.

Months of planning down the drain.

So here I am, writing the column that I never intended. I have no idea what to write.

So what can I say? Here I am. Last night I attended a wedding. I was a bridesmaid. My first time as a bridesmaid, and I was so honored. The bride was Elizabeth, who helped me pick out an outfit for that fateful Halloween of 2008, when the seals broke and my True Self came pouring through.

As a bridesmaid gift, I received framed art of a pixie riding a butterfly, along with a quote. The quote was special to me, and not just because of the source.

You see, the groom was Dave. When I told Dave about my true self, one of the things he said to me was a quote. He quoted Star Trek — my favorite Star Trek movie in fact.

“I have been and always shall be your friend.”

And that what was on the picture.

Unconditional love. A commitment to a life.

In the predawn Darkness, I was ready to die. I NEEDED to die. The Pain had become too much. But… I couldn’t do it.

Was it because of my daughter? Wife? Linda? Others?

Dear reader, I don’t have the answer. I really don’t. All I know is that right now, as I write this, I am out of Danger. I had a wonderful birthday and in the weeks to follow had wonderful times.

So now, I need a Bigger Plan. I need to chart out the next steps of my life.

More to come, dear reader. I promise.

Be well.

Tags: featured, suicide, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual

Category: Transgender Body & Soul