Fear

What is it about being trans that causes so much fear?

Y’know, the only thing we have to fear and all that.

Let’s face it; adrenaline junkies have NOTHING on Transpeople for coping with Fear.

Each time I pass a milestone, the next one is waiting. And that next one causes even more fear and loathing, anxiety and dread. However, sometimes, rarely, there is passage without pain.

Fear: a basic, primal emotion. A survival mechanism from way back.

When I first re-discovered my female self, I feared discovery. I was absolutely terrified of someone seeing me dressed in a skirt and makeup. Oh the shame of it! After all, I was a guy wasn’t I? Wouldn’t the ultimate shame be to be caught being Feminine?

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” ? — Eleanor Roosevelt

Over time, I started passing through milestones. I’ve been living from one fear to the next. I went out alone. I went to the mall. I went to conferences. Restaurants. I started meeting drab friends as Sophie, as I came out to them one at a time. Finally, the Big One: I told my Wife. Talk about a Major Fear Attack! But that was nothing to a fear I conquered soon after.

I admitted to myself that I needed to Transition. The Hardest of all admissions. The Scariest of all things — to look into one’s one soul and see who is truly there.

Then the fear of losing my family… when Mother in Law found out. I feared she would expose me to the world. Instead, she threw me out.

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”– John Wayne

As I write this, I’m preparing to tell MY parents. My parents who abused me physically and emotionally for most of my childhood. I’m going to tell them I am a Woman. And after that? I’m telling my employers.

And after THAT? Going Full time.

None of this is for the faint of heart. People would rather die than do much of this. Lisa died. It’s about more than strength. More than courage. It’s about survival. If one is doing something they need to do to survive, is that Courage?

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” — Winston Churchill

No one knows how many TGs there are in the world. No one will admit to it, due to (sing it with me) FEAR. Fear of discovery. Fear of loss. Fear of shame.

We are taught as boys that fear is a bad thing — a feminine trait. We are raised to be fearless, either by our peers or parents. My dad despised cowardice. And what three year old hasn’t endured the taint of “scaredy cat?” Or that synonym for Cat that I won’t write here as this is a family column.

Well, dear reader, I’m here to tell you something that goes counter to everything we learned as children. This is something I learned in my years as a paramedic, and it’s how I keep approaching these really scary events.

Ready?

(“It’s OK to be Scared.”)

 

I think this that guy knows a thing or two about fear: “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” — Nelson Mandela

If a person says they have never been afraid, they are lying. Hal Jordan, I’m talking to you. All people get scared. But it’s what we DO when we’re scared that defines us. Does a person curl up into a fetal position or face the fear? As I’ve noted so many times, I used to run into burning buildings. I was terrified every time. But lives were in the balance, and people were counting on me, and my training, to do the job.
If let my fear rule me, there would be no column, as there would be no Sophie. I know that all I have dreamed for myself awaits — all I have to do is conquer fear, and keep moving. When going through hell…

I’ve had grievous losses. I’ve lost my home and marriage. I have lost dear friends. And I’m not done Losing yet. I understand that. But I’m not done Living yet either.

I can’t speak for you, dear reader, only for myself. I am not afraid of dying. I am not afraid of losing. I am afraid of Not Living. I am to the point where being male is Hell. If it means coping with incredible Fear, so be it. I WILL be a woman. I will be Sophie Lynne.
I have no choice.

Besides, Courage is Sexy.

PS:  Anyone catch my Arlo Guthrie reference?

Tags: featured, Identity, opinion, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul