Book Review: Untying the Knot

A Husband and Wife’s Story of Coming Out Together

By David L. Kaufman, M.D.

Review by Gina Vizavi

Years ago there was a series of interviews conducted by Bill Moyers with Joseph Campbell, renowned writer and professor of Comparative Mythology and Comparative Religion. Their conversations centered around Campbell’s The Hero With a Thousand Faces in which he touched on the similarities of stories from many cultures throughout the ages that describe a “hero’s journey.” And while each of our struggles may pale in comparison to those of Sisyphus, Adonis, Narcissus, Achilles, or Jesus Christ for that matter, we all face elements of the hero’s journey as we make out way through this earthly plane.

David Kaufman is certainly someone looking for answers. Many readers will identify with his struggles as a young person being bullied, called a fag and identifying more with girls and the women in his life. He grew up in a time when being gay or trans wasn’t even a possibility, at least as far as anything taught in church or school or on the playground.

He describes his struggles “to be normal” and to fit into the societal mold expected of him. Today there are tremendous resources for those trying to figure out where they fit into the spectrum of sexuality, none the least of these, of course, is the internet. And yet, even with all the potential support that may be out there, it doesn’t make the journey an easy one for those who see the world through a different lens.

The author’s “epiphany” as he refers to his realization that he is gay, occurs during his second marriage. His two children from his first marriage are grown and he and his wife have an adolescent living at home. He has overcome tremendous odds rising out of a poor background by becoming a physician. Many would ask, isn’t that enough for one “hero?” But at age 49½, he sets out on a path to find out who he is underneath the lab coat and all the visible trappings of family life and material wealth.

Dave’s realization that he’s gay occurs when he sees a nude TS model online and finds he has a tremendous physical reaction. Given the fact that he had previously thought there was no way a male, regardless of hormones or surgery could ever be as beautiful as a genetic woman his response to the image is troubling to him. Probably one of the most unbelievable aspects of this story is the fact that when he sits down to tell his wife that he has discovered he is gay, she interrupts and says she has something to tell him. In fact, she herself has realized she is a lesbian. The plot thickens and the two of them find they both have a steep learning curve to ascend in finding their place in a world that seemingly just turned upside down.

The trans community is frequently given short shrift by gays and lesbians but there are many similarities in the struggles anyone faces who finds the need to be “out” and live openly. Joseph Campbell’s advice is for people to “follow their bliss” and be true to themselves. Many people with gender disphoria, in fact, are gay. But presenting oneself in a member of the opposite sex makes terms like gay and straight almost meaningless. This is why society favors a binary approach to gender, sex and sexuality; it’s much simpler that way. Check out some of those Greek myths and you’ll find any number of characters that routinely change from one sex to another, cavort with the gods and otherwise defy even ancient Greek societal norms.

After a near death experience Dave literally seizes the bull by the horns of the dilemma he’s been perched on and dives into a new reality previously unknown to him. In the process of coming out he embraces the gay community, many members of which see him as a “newbie” and unsuitable as a sexual partner. On the other hand, he describes a number of friends and encounters made during his foray into this previously uncharted territory.

The book is an autobiographical account of one man’s (person’s) coming to grips with who they are. He is a well educated professional, and articulates many aspects of the story through the eyes of a physician and what he has learned in his training. There is also a great deal of background information on the subject of homosexuality as it is understood through research both scientifically and sociologically. And as the book comes to a close, we find new twists and turns in the story, which perhaps will warrant a sequel.

Untying the Knot
By David L. Kaufman, M.D.
Addicus Books, Omaha, NE 2013
ISBN 978-1-936374-88-5
Available on Amazon.com.

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