Ask Dr. Angello — Will crossdressing make me gay?

One of the best parts of my job as a sex therapist (as if there’s a “down-side” to this job) is that I have the opportunity to talk with people about their secrets, fantasies and desires in a way that isn’t creepy or voyeuristic, but rather, in a sex-positive and affirming manner that few of us have an opportunity to experience.

It’s particularly fulfilling to talk with transgender clients who are wrestling with determining how their gender identity might be impacting their sexuality. Let me take a minute to define sexuality because, for some that word can land like a welcome friend in your living room or an unexpected grenade in your lap! For our purposes, when I use the term sexuality, I’m talking about an overall sense of being sexual with yourself, another person (or group of people) or any consensual erotic act you engage in or fantasize about with adults. So you see, this can be fun work if you can get it!

When I mentioned people simultaneously dealing with gender identity issues and sexuality, here’s what I meant. Some folks who identify as crossdressers come into my office talking about how they are typically interested in having sex with women but occasionally when they’re presenting en femme, they find their heads turning to admire a handsome man. Orientation can be so confusing — particularly when you’re playing with gender identity and roles! Though, technically, they’re not related (as in, if you’re dressed en femme, there’s no “rule” that says you must be attracted to men) many crossdressers find that their orientation shifts when they are dressed. There are a couple of reasons for this, according to my clients. First, attention from a man when you are presenting as a woman can be validating and flattering. It probably makes the person who is crossdressed feel as though she has pulled off a good presentation and that feels comforting. Second, I’ve found that most people are afraid to allow for any fluidity with regard to their sexual orientation. Most people assume an orientation of heterosexuality and “stick to it.” In therapeutic conversations with people who crossdress, I’ve found that many of them say that the clothing and presentation give them an opportunity to explore their orientation in ways that they don’t give themselves permission to when they are presenting as male.

I have no judgment about people experimenting with their orientation whether or not they’re dressed, but I do have a couple of things I’d suggest keeping in mind. The most important thing is your integrity. If you’re married or in a committed, exclusive relationship, it’s just not cool to cheat. And yes, it’s cheating if you sleep with someone when you’re crossdressed if you and your significant other don’t have an agreement that you are allowed to do so. So, either have the guts to discuss your desire to open up your relationship, or simply allow yourself to be flattered by the attention you receive, but don’t act on it.

Next, take an honest look at your desires and try to determine whether or not they are solely apparent when you’re presenting as female or if perhaps you’re denying a part of yourself when you’re presenting as male. Here’s a secret — men can be attracted to men! I’m not saying that crossdressing has ANYTHING to do with your orientation, because it doesn’t, but, it’s a little baffling when people tell me that they don’t feel “right” about their attraction to men when they are dressed as men. It’s the 21st century and even the President is comfortably talking about marriage equality, so give yourself some slack!

So, to sum up — sexual orientation doesn’t need to be static. It can be fluid and exciting. Next, don’t cheat on your partner or spouse and please don’t use the sorry excuse that it wasn’t cheating because you were dressed as your alter-ego. I seriously can’t handle hearing that one anymore. And finally, be safe and have a blast with your sexuality!

Tags: featured, sexuality

Category: Transgender Body & Soul