The Occasional Woman — Keep it Cool

Dearest Readers,

I write to you from directly in front of the air conditioner. Why am I there? Cuz it’s effin’ HOT, that’s why! So, I am moved to discuss ways to look cool when one is actually sweating like a water buffalo.

My Grandmother used to say “Horses sweat, men perspire, but ladies just glow.” If that is true, then I am glowing like a pot-bellied pig! I can hardly bear it…. So I have decided to address the topic of heat-sensible yet fashionable dressing.

My first bit of advice is: Natural fibers. Cotton, silk, rayon, bamboo and the like. These lovely fibers breathe, and allow your skin to do so to boot. Un-natural fibers are much like wearing a trash bag; the close-knit pieces trap the sweat (or glow) within their folds, making you get even hotter. Also, they tend to hold odors and stains, so I’d say to avoid the Hefty Bag look and switch to real fabrics.

Not good in the summer heat.

Easier said than done, you may say? Yeah, I know. Many of us purchase clothing from the “plus-sized” world, and they seem to think that if one is over a size fourteen, one wants to wear crappy polyester duds, with gathered necklines, colors and prints not found in nature, and elastic waists — but NOOOOOO! We want to look elegant, cute, sexy and fashionable, just like our slender sisters! For this reason, I have generally avoided Catherine’s, Lane Bryant and other plastic bag purveyors, and generally make my own clothes. And hey — y’all can hire me to do the same for you!

Ann Taylor linen blend 3/4 sleeve top.

I have surveyed many clothing emporiums, and I have to say Ann Taylor has some swell offerings, especially in their Tall section. Too expensive, you may say? Not when the clothing is fashionable, classic, well-made and comfortable. A well-made skirt, dress or top from Ann will pretty much never go out of style. A simple piece, say, a black linen top, can be dressed up with pearls, or ho-d down with a naughty mini-skirt and audacious jewelry. I like the tops and bottoms at good ole JC Penney, good selection of natch clothes, and, oddly enough, K-Mart! They have great natural fiber tops that are not always frumpy and dowdy.

Of course, if one is sporting a skirt or dress, one’s legs ought to be nicely landscaped — if you can afford (and tolerate!) leg-waxing, which is a convenient and long-lasting way to be hair-free for a good long time. Or, if your leg hair still has color and you are willing to get laser hair removal, that would be wonderful. My friend Kristyn does this, and swears by it. You can wax body hair yourself — if your neighbors don’t mind the blood-curdling screams and strings of expletives.

Oops!

Pantyhose? HATE ‘EM!  sure, they look really good, but yowsuh! Putting your nice legs in tight plastic bags! Noooo. Thigh-highs can be a godsend, If you have taut, muscular legs. Otherwise, they will slooooowly creep down to your pumps and puddle around your ankles. I know this from personal experience. (At a job interview, no less.) The age-old stockings and garter belt combo is fairly heat-friendly, is rather titillating — you might feel like a retro scarlet woman, and if you can handle it, well, go ahead girl!

Also, remember to pumice and cream up your feeties, or get yourself a pedicure — we don’t wish to display ashy, cracked heels with our sling-back Manolo sandals! Make ’em pretty, ladies.

And do try to keep some blotting-paper tissue-y things in your Michael Kors bag — blot that sweat and stay fresh-looking. Think cool, stay cool and I’ll see you on the flip side.

Contact Lorraine via email for info on her seamstress service, The Occasional Woman.

Tags: crossdressing, fashion, featured, stay cool, style, summer clothes

Category: Style, Transgender Fashion, Transgender Opinion