Wildfires and Anxiety

| Aug 6, 2018
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Since I left you last, not much has changed. The fire smoke is back. There is a complex of fires in the North and every time the winds turn to the South, we get high levels of smoke. It’s better when the winds come off of the ocean and blow the smoke inland. 

I am still having a tough time. I sit here in this as apartment alone feeling very restless and anxious. It’s a feeling I get every day now ever since I discontinued a psych med that seemed to help back in March. I regret that decision daily. Anxiety fills my chest and stomach as I write this. To some of you, I may sound like a broken record. But. This thing has overtaken my life. 

Sometimes, I still can’t believe this is happening to me. I get so scared and worried that it just won’t end. I cant keep going on like this. I really am not out to depress anyone or worry them. But, I am really concerned about what will happen to me. What will become of me? I mean, its tough to get through a shift at work, and I am only working part time. I cry at work in the bathroom when I feel overwhelmed. I don’t like doing it. It helps some. 

Another possibility, that I have thought about for a while is that hormones are causing this, or highly exacerbating my anxiety. Is there a faux-menopause for trans women? I am 49, right at that age. Is the fact that I am even taking hormones causing my body distress? Maybe my body doesn’t need them. Before hormones, my baseline E level was 235. That’s well in female range. I should have left well enough alone. My T level was normal. I may be screwing things up by taking estradiol. 

Whatever it is, it is sapping my will to live normally. I haven’t gone anywhere adventurous since May when I visited the coast. I can’t show you pretty pictures of the coast or California nature unless I am able to get out there in it. Is California doing this to me? Is it the psych drugs? Is it my living situation, tenuous as it is? Is it pressure or the past traumas I just laid out for my therapist? What is wrong with me? Why am I not ME anymore? I feel like a shell of myself. 

Once in a while, I do get out on a drive or something that I enjoy. It’s usually in the evenings when I start to feel better. It has been okay when the days were getting longer, but they are getting shorter now. As the days get shorter, so will my time to decide whether I have the strength to pull the plug on California. I’m not sure if my roomie can afford a new lease. I can’t pay her much because my work hours are cut probably due to my condition. 

I don’t want to leave you on a downer. I am trying my best to get better. I have some options and one is to try my old med again. I am trying to get in to see Madaline Deutsch at UCSF Center of Excellence for Transgender Health. The doc is a trans woman herself. Hopefully she can either guide me better or help me to regulate this hormone/anxiety balance. My current doc has no clue what to do for me. I hope to God I can report better news next month. Please keep me in your thoughts as I try to get better way out here in California. For now, I say goodbye thru the fire smoke.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul

amandaf111

About the Author ()

I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 4 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved here to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. The adventure continues...

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