Thinking as a Woman

| Oct 9, 2017

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4]

I met my transition doctor in February of 2017. We talked at length of how I envisioned myself to be, what types of medical treatment I needed, and my past mental history. She was impressed with how clearly I thought everything out and how accurate and realistic the time-line I created for myself was. My doctor also recommended I research sperm storage since bottom surgery will render me infertile and hormone replacement makes me less potent. After looking into Cryo Banks I found out insurance did not cover their expensive services. Amber and I discussed options at length, she insisted on having children together and thought it was a necessary step of transitioning. I was extremely fortunate and grateful that we were able afford the costs if we paid equal shares. It was a wonderful feeling to have a person committed to a lasting relationship.

A recent photo of Brielle.

Another part of transitioning I needed to start was the long process of removing facial hair. Electrolysis seemed to be the most popular method and more certified. After I completed my first ten minute appointment, I was in tears from the pain. Looking into laser hair removal, it looked expensive and terrifying. I received a piece of advice my group members that it was well worth the cost and would be perfect with my skin tone, hair density, and thickness. Soon enough, I was lying down in the bed with goggles shielding my eyes. The laser was painful, it felt like bees were stinging my face repeatedly. Each appointment requires a four week waiting period, in between I noticed bald patches.

From the very beginning of changing my gender, I anticipated the most difficult aspect would be confessing my identity. I had such a terrible experience in high school revealing myself as a homosexual, being bullied, parents not believing, and feeling ashamed of who I am. Starting with the people most close to me seemed like the best place to start. I first told my mother I had been talking to my therapist about the dysphoria I feel about my gender. I explained that my whole life I have had these feelings and I had never believed I could be a woman until recently. The conversation we had needed to be educational so I could answer most of her questions. I understood that when it was over, she would need time to process the information. Out of the handful of people I have come up to the process became the same. My sister, brother, father, and the few of my friends told me that they wanted me to be happy and encouraged me to pursue this path. What made me feel bad about coming out was that everyone was still calling me a male and using my old name.

I started taking hormones on May 2nd 2017. Spironolactone decreases the levels of testosterone and Estradiol increases the level of estrogen. Just like many people before me, I felt that a big milestone was put behind me. The medications would work slowly and take a long time to show any effects. It is a nice reminder each day of how much progress I have made within my life. It has been a lonely experience and I constantly burdened with the feeling of being left out. The vulnerability during the time of changing genders can be uncomfortable at times. I have lost many things from this condition, friends, significant others, jobs, and emotional well-being. To blame the hardships of my life on being transgender is extremely unfair. I may have already had a predisposition to depression or to drug abuse. What I am learning moving forward, is that I am beginning to like myself more as each day passes. I no longer care as much when people perceive me as a man. On the inside I will always feel and think as a woman.

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Category: Body & Soul

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  1. Tommie says:

    I’ve been thinking like a girl then a woman all my life. Making the girl on the outside like the girl on the inside is wonderful, albeit sometimes painful. 😀