Metamorphosis Chapter 14

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7] [Chapter 8] [Chapter 9] [Chapter 10] [Chapter 11] [Chapter 12][Chapter 13][Chapter 14]

“Raquel,” Lydia giggled as she grabbed my feet and placed those god-forsaken spacers between my toes, “do you like men or women?

“Are you gonna use a base coat?” I had said while I pondered that question. No one had asked me about my sexual preference before, and it was complicated. Definitely complicated. 

“Of course! Could you relax and stop wiggling your damn toes. You’re so fidgety.” Lydia opened the bottle of base coat, smiled, and polished my toe nails. “So?”

“So, what?”

“Men or women?”

“My god, it’s so tough to answer. I’ve mainly dated women up to my transition. But the more fem I feel, I guess there is this underlying pressure I should like men, right?”

“Not necessarily. I mean I do, for sure. Remember Raquel, sexual orientation and gender have nothing to do with each other. I love men, it’s just so hard to find one that doesn’t want to use me as some kind of bisexual experiment.” Lydia finished the base coat and while it was drying looked up at me.

I nodded my head and furled my brow,  “I’ve heard so many stories about that in the group. How can you tell when someone is sincere and really wants to be with you?”

“It’s not easy because some are so tricky. From my experience when the subject of you being trans is not a major topic of conversation or if they ask questions about your likes and dislikes – good signs. When you can do the trivial things, like watch a TV show or take a walk without them acting embarrassed, that’s another. If they are proud to introduce you to the people that matter to them that is another. Finally, when you speak and he responds with genuine empathy, compassion, and respect then that sets them apart.”

“I’m bisexual. I love the curves of a woman’s body but a man with protruding muscles kind of gets me super-hot.” We both burst into laughter.

 “What color am I doing?” Lydia asked.

“I love blue but maybe I should get hot pink, more noticeable, I guess.”

“Raquel, blue can be your favorite color. Not all women love pink. As a matter of fact I fucking hate it. Reminds me of Barbie and friends. Some Trans women feel like they have to overcompensate and love all the things women love to be accepted. It’s just not true.”

I couldn’t stop laughing. Lydia had a way of bringing the truth to the surface and dissect it so eloquently. “Okay girl, paint ‘em blue then, with sparkles. I have to over compensate for the blue!”

“You’re a shit. Blue it is. But, you do understand what I’m saying, right?”

“Yes, Lydia. I honestly do. I have a friend named Adam, he is like everything you described about a man who really seems to care about me. He’s never made a move but we’ve been hanging out so much lately and I like him a lot. I want to be beautiful for him, so he will be proud to be with me. I want to lose more weight.”

Lydia delicately brushed on the cobalt polish and replied, “be beautiful for you. Looks don’t matter. If he truly likes you, it will be for you, not what you look like. If you want to lose weight, do it for you. No matter how hot, sexy, whatever, you become never forget those who were there for you. Especially a nice young man or friend. Where did you meet him?”

“Ouch! I hate those damn spacers!”

“Hold still before I punch you,” Lydia smirked.

“I met him at the club. At first I thought he was gay, but he said he was bi.  We talked about sports and kind of talked about it all night long. You know I love my football!”

“That’s where me and you are different. I hate sports and I don’t see why everyone has to get all butt hurt when their team loses. If fashion modeling was a sport, then I would be a happy girl.”

“They are so pretty, thank you for doing my toes for me.” She had only finished one coat on one foot but it looked spectacular. I was so excited to wear open-toed shoes and show them off to the world. That part of my life had been so freeing, it felt good to finally have a best friend.

“So, tell me more about his boy. Is he cute? Sexy?”

“Oh lord, he is really cute. He’s the kind of person you just want to cuddle with all night long and talk about anything. I mean anything. One minute its sports and the next minute its religion. I love our deep conversations.”

“That’s not all you love.”

“Ouch! Must you dig that stick into my cuticles?”

“I could just let your feet look like some kind of freak show. I should have brought my chainsaw. Total neglect on these poor little toesies.” Lydia prepped my other foot for its first coat. 

I guess my feet had been in bad shape. I was so scared to go to a salon and ask to get a pedicure. We didn’t exactly live in a town that was Trans friendly. And God forbid, I had to use the bathroom — I would have had a panic attack.

“No Lydia, just do what you gotta do. Anyway, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Your toes need a miracle and baby, and tonight I’m Mother Teresa.”

“No. You said that’s not all you love. What’s that mean?”

“Raquel, Raquel. You should record yourself with your precious iPhone. You are in total love with this Adam guy. I’ve never heard you speak about anyone this way and you haven’t stopped smiling since we brought it up! Look at you — you’re glowing.”

“No. No. I don’t think I love him. He’s just a friend.” I had denied my feelings once more and this time Lydia called me on my bullshit. Did I love Adam? Or maybe it was a crush. Either way, if I’m dead now, as Mark says, this memory and Adam would be lost forever. I’m glad I remember something. Am I dreaming now?

“That’s how it all starts. So, how have the hormones been making you feel?”

“Sometimes depressed, a little moody, and I cry a lot. Like, I weep over commercials!”

“It’s all part of the process, Raquel. Remember, the idea is not to get rid of Mark forever. He will always be a part of who you are. Your personality doesn’t have to change with your appearance. You’re perfect the way you are. There is a way for you both to exist. You must figure out what parts of him were real and which parts you made up to hide away from the world.”

“I was confused. I lied to so many people and for so long — I’m not sure if any of it was real, Lydia.”

“It was. Trust me when I tell you that the struggles you faced strengthened you and sometimes looking back hurts. But, you have to know where you came from to truly know where you’re going. Remember, you will reach a point where no one and nothing can undermine all you’ve achieved. There! All done.”

“My nails look beautiful, can you do my hands?”

Lydia had rolled her eyes and responded, “Give me the polish!”

I wake up laying in a bed wearing animal patterned pajamas. Yuck. Lydia’s words bounced around my head like a five cent rubber ball out of a vending machine. She was right. I must figure out how to get Mark to understand that we are one. I don’t want to get rid of him. We need each other to get out of this mess. I try to stand and get jerked back by the chain from the pair of handcuffs which bind me to the metal headboard. 

Those sons of bitches!

To be continued. . . .

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