Thinking as a Woman

| Sep 11, 2017

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4]


We created an amazing relationship together. I shared things with her I had never talked about before. She was so open and honest with me, it would have seemed we had been friends for years. I told her I was bisexual and I liked to express myself in a more feminine manner. Her response was that she was bisexual too, that expressing who I was did not make me less of a man. It hurt me to have her think of me as a male, and later on in our relationship I told her being called a man was uncomfortable. She fell in love with me fast, I wrote her poems and songs, crocheted her stuffed animals, and painted her pictures. Amber told me she never loved a boy before and thought it was impossible. I still could not feel good about myself in our relationship. She made me feel like man with the duties I did. The intimacy we shared created agony from the places she touched me.

I picked up using marijuana again after joining another band. Amber thought it was normal and did not give my drug use a second thought. I got another job working as a truck unloader, a position where only males worked. I needed money badly and my drug use helped me to not care. Amber and I stayed in a relationship for two years until we moved in together. It was stressful trying to fill the role of a male. I did not what I was supposed to do. I spent my life watching women cook and clean. Amber did not allow me to do these things around her, I only did them on my own. Secretly I began trying on her clothes and using her makeup. From the time I woke up to the moment I went to sleep, anxiety was omnipresent. I soon lost my job as my drug use increased.

Finally I decided in October of 2016 to take control of my life. I had read a book titled May We Be Forgiven and what I learned from the novel was responsibility is sometime thrust upon us. The decision we make as humans to run away from the obligation or embrace it, is what defines us. I used this theme in my life to explain my transgender identity. I have been running and rejecting my responsible to be a woman and it was now or never to be brave. I finally quit using drugs and attended narcotic anonymous meetings regularly. I was accepted into a full time beauty academy to become a licensed cosmetologist. I started reading any memoirs of male to female transgender persons I could find. After reading a few, I finally realized my vision of being a woman could become a reality.

Amber and I took a break from our relationship in the middle of October. I was still keeping my identity a secret from her and had no intention of sharing it. I moved out of her apartment and into a bedroom with a classmate and her boyfriend. I started really defining myself and who I wanted to be. I tried on countless amounts of woman’s clothes, had makeup artists at my school teach me more about cosmetics, and choose a name for myself. A tremendous aid that pushed my progress was attending a transgender support group. To hear other people’s experiences and where they were at transitioning help create my own goals. Amber and I got back together after a month of being apart. She was the first person I came out to as being transgender. We discussed how our relationship would need to change and what steps were needed to keep each other happy.

To be continued. . . .

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Category: Body & Soul

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