Translost

[Translost]

Are these transsexual “symptoms”?

I really feel an acute need to ask this. Has anyone of you, or others you may know, experienced something similar to what I want to tell below?
This is what I have been experiencing: To start with, I have no clear memories of my childhood that points to me wanting to be a girl,
but I have some vague memories from early school time about 8 years old or so. I started School in 1981.
I remember I had a female play mate who got ashamed when I started to cry, which also ended the games we played.
Afterwards I remember how I hated crying. When someone cried I was really feeling bad. In school one day, when I was rocking in the swings, I had taken my
shoes off. Then I was bullied by a boy by him stealing my socks. After that, I got a maniac idea of becoming like him. But I hated myself.
Soon, a year later, twin girls moved into the school and I soon wanted to become a “third sister” of them, I looked a lot like them already because
we were of the same “constituion” and they did not dress in girl clothes, which made it easy.
I would probably not find any issues about wearing girl clothes if it had not been such a taboo.
My adoptive father hated anything that even remotely looked girlish or me giggling or crying. He even complained how I gripped the textiles in the laundry room,
like carefully instead of grabbing them. I also hated my given name a lot, even though it was similar to that daring bullying guy who I idolized
(who also played the Keyboard which I afterwards wanted to play as well but it did not work! It was not only because of him
it was because I loved that instrument for other reasons)
But it continued with the girls, I wanted to become like them, especially the tougher of them.
Others thought I just had a crush… I thought it was something wrong with me…

Then I got into puberty. I had several fetishes since young ages and I remember how I was curious about my sexual organ. I did not hate it,
at least not when I had those sexual fantasies, however I thought often it was an issue to keep in order inside sleeping wear, if it slid out
beside shorts or so I would not like it at all. Even before puberty. It was uncomfortable and I never slept without sleeping clothes, and I rarely touched
my sexual organ once I was going through puberty. I used clothes or lots of paper- or cloth-towels when I felt sexual needs and was alone.
My adoptive parents did never have any issues about my sexual maturing, they never said it was “dirty”. In fact they told me it was normal…
I have never felt any “auto-gynephilia” either, but only attracted my more gender-neutral body parts. I am gay also so I have found some
more male muscles attractive, at later years even on my own body, which is a paradox really. That was one of the reasons I typed this…
But when I had sexual dreams I really started to disgust my sexual organ, while my class mates could talk about such dreams like they would be in heaven.

Also there were people on TV, a woman who saved a detective in a WWII thriller.
She was also one of those I wanted to become.
But those wishes faded away, and I started to want to become a girl, a female version of me, and that badly.
There was a TV a series about a girl who grew up to a woman. How much I wanted to be like her! (“Sparrow’s Eye” in Sweden)
I wished UFO people would change me, I wished I could be reborn as a girl, and so on.
My adoptive mother got just worried and angry like “you just stop! how would that be like?” And so on, surely I felt VERY bad, I had a school counsellor
but I never dared talking about it in other means than metaphors she never understood. I started to find threats everywhere, even where there were none
and build up a strong anxiety that up to today has haunted me. I hated the gym class because that was horrible!
I got my only F in the gym class, I hated the shower, I also got strange bumps under my nipples which I did not know what it was so I got scared someone would
think it was a disease. Up until college I wanted to be a girl, my class mates even suggested I would be the “queen of Christmas” even though there was a
boy with long blonde hair who would fit better. I was surprised but this faded away because all hate against female clothing I had to endure it was just not
possible I probably started to suppress it. School went bad too because of this and the teacher being an arrogant layman.
Later on, those sexual dreams made me insane, I started to believe in devils and such like and got hospitalized. It was then in the beginning of 1990s.
During the years of 1991 to 1997 I did not even want to look at my sexual organ.
I got an insurrance so I could survive, but I still went on with religious ways of suppression. That was until I met a black “priestess” of sorts
who gave me some kind of blessing, when I only got more of those sexual desires I stopped visiting her, but I sooner grew and learned to accept and even
embrace the sexuality. I had no desires of being a woman though, but I had a male identity that felt “taken”. But I thought of it as “me” and then came out
as gay. I had grown my hair long though. Love it that way! I met a boyfriend and had a relationship, but after a long time, when I was 40, the urges to
want to be a woman came back. I really thought it was just some strange ideas and suppressed it, because I felt so much fear and the guy I was in a
relationhip with did not support it at all. He was just angry at me when I brought it up. Also, when I talked about wearing female clothing on Facebook,
I got trolled. I suppressed it again, I had bought clothes but I bagged them in a storage room and cut my hair short.
I got ultra sensitive for sounds, got anxious, no one wanted to believe me about that. I started to become paranoid, only now I understand that there is this
wish of being a woman that may cause it. But the dangers of being seen by others is too frightening. Fear of aging like a man also makes me pushing this away.
I am 47 now. And it has come back again several times. The sound sensitivity has made one of my ears physically bad.

I don’t know if all this is transgender symptoms, gender dysphoria, or just some kind of defensive reactions.
It is why I ask if anyone has had similar experiences before I visit a doctor because if they say I do not need any gender treatment, I would probably
be extremely disappointed, and that could be dangerous, therefore I am pretty scared.
The GD was only there after puberty but I think I had a form of GD about my identity, as in not wanting to be a boy.
There were anxiety, make idols as well, but had very few friends.
(but an urge to be a woman or a girl like a female version of me that currently seems to be growing),
I can get sexually aroused by my male chest sometimes, which is a paradox indeed, but the day after, I feel terrible about my desires to my own pecs though.
I would be endlessly thankful if anybody could tell me how they think

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