Reply To: Transgender Transition
EbonyAtropusHello, my name is Ebony and I just joined also.
I came out just last year, and in my opinion, I keep feeling it was far too late : I came out at 40, and am 41 now, and that’s a real long time to be suffering from gender dysphoria knowing who I was since childhood. I always knew there was something up with me, and knew I was trans since around preteen era.
I really want to go through with my transition, and when I came out, everyone was really supportive at first. I was in a very accepting workplace, my friends, family, and spouse of ten years, even said she knew from the beginning. So I want to transition, and am finally seeing a gender therapist about starting hormones next week, but now my spouse is starting to backpedal on this. She doesn’t call me by my name and pronouns, and has even requested I don’t wear makeup or dress feminine in the house….. I talked to her about transition, and she brought up all these fears. Fear I’ll be discriminated against, fear of the health risks, etc. but mostly she’s said she needs time to get used to it, and the general feeling I get from her is that she doesn’t want me to change. She’s told me I’m too old to transition. When I talked about physically transitioning, she got really emotional and said it would be really hard for her, and especially for her extended family.
I’m just really feeling overcome by depression and despair right now. Coming out felt so great, I felt like for once in my life I could be happy because I could be myself and live true, but now I feel like the people around me just want me to go back into the closet and back to how I was…… that deep feeling of loneliness, worthlessness, and constant suicidal thoughts, is a cold, dark empty place I never want to go back to.
I’ve always cared so much for other people, and have always put my needs last in order to avoid hurting anyone, and now I feel like I might eventually have to die, because there’s just no way I can be happy. I have never felt so close to happiness before, and want to transition so badly, more than anything, something I’ve waited my whole life for to feel whole……. but also know how the price of feeling whole will hurt other people. They’re making me feel like I’m selfish or like there’s something wrong with me. Like happiness is something I don’t deserve that I can only have at the expense of sacrificing my relationship with others.
i just feel like i’ve hit a brick wall in life……
i’m just so sorry for being born…….. maybe it’s better than I never was.
Sorry for the emotional outpour, just feeling so hopeless right now.
All the love,
Ebony
