Reply To: How Do You Know if You Are Trans?

[nqtrans]

Hi. Thanks mostly to sessions with a psychologist, I’ve recently accepted my true self – my mind/soul is female. There have been so many signs that I had never connected together.

From about 13 years of age, I have never liked my male body, had no interest in looking after my body or looking good. Puberty onset was late for me, I shaved in attempt to get some body hair and look like other boys. I soon realised that I didn’t like my new, hairy body and started shaving my way towards having little/no visible body hair.

I admired womens body in the expected male way, but have never asked a woman out. When I finally lost my virginity with a woman (at ~35yo) in a brothel, the experience wasn’t enjoyable at all – in a way I regretted it, but I kept trying. I have always loved foreplay more than the actual sexual act (in male role) as a whole. In time, I realised that the only sexual act I really enjoying was giving oral. Mostly, I found myself easily being friends with women but never going onto more, even after women have made sexual advances on me.

On several occasions, I’ve had people (mostly women) comment on my lack of “masculinity”, but they came too far apart for me to make connections. Sometimes the comments would be about my body – most commonly, women telling me that they wish they had legs like mine.

I have been a nudist much of my life and discovered that I spent more time admiring men than women. I starting thinking I was bisexual or gay (bottom), but I have been told by 2 men that I didn’t fit that definition, because I rejected any attempts by others to have fun with my manhood.

I have spent most of my life in a state of depression, without understanding the true reason for the depression. My response to depression was an excess of what some might call self-abusive behaviour.

It’s now become clear that I have been rejecting my male body since puberty. Even before puberty, there were hints at my being feminine. Since accepting my true self, so many things in my life make sense. My love of (pleasure I get from) cross-dressing has increased and I even started looking at myself in the mirror and spending lots of time making myself pretty. The thing that really reinforced the psychologist lead discover, was that I no longer spent hours playing with myself each day. The inner happiness that has followed my true-self acceptance has meant that I rarely get the urge to do such things.

I don’t know how to classify myself – the idea of surgery scares me, so I’m unlikely to ever transition. In the end, I don’t think it really matters – I don’t want my new found love of myself to be put at risk by trying to conform to a different set of “expectations” – repeating my years of trying to be a “man”.