Reply To: How Do You Know if You Are Trans?

[carla1212]

Hi Seraphina,
Yes, your experience proves it: Your transgender identity has been pretty much bound and gagged but now sees the daylight — and the permission — to make its escape. Once you taste that freedom it’s very hard to go back and you may discover it’s about a lot more than dressing. You mentioned that you are married, and I am sure you very much love your spouse, but… be ready, you may discover that your life choices were shaped by a prison of denial. When I was a teenager, out and about as a passable cross dresser, I at first just thought it was all about looking pretty, feeling good in the clothes; and the kindness, attention and compliments I got from men were just that and nothing more. Then I managed to attract a man that I myself was attracted to and — uh-ooooooh! — I realized I had been trying to look pretty because I wanted men (especially certain ones!) to love and desire me. The very notion that I could be attracted to a man took me by surprise: I thought: “Yikes! Does this mean I am gay? Or does the fact that I can look like a girl make it okay?” Up to that point I just thought I’d be rampantly heterosexual like my dear old Dad and all my macho Italian relatives, but it suddenly hit me that I looked nothing like them. And I realized that I only got slightly turned on by the sight of a pretty girl, but majorly, wildly turned on when certain men would look at or flirt with me. I found that if this man (who became my first boyfriend) held me or kissed me, I’d just totally melt — and melting, feeling small and weak in his arms, suddenly felt way better than trying to play the part of a male. And once he got over the shock of what was in my panties, it became a fully sexual relationship and then… wooooooow! It took a long time to get my mind 100% around this and acceptance alternated with denial for many years — I ended up in a macho military career that totally didn’t fit me, and my post-military civilian career just built on my military experience… I don’t want to call it all a mistake but it’s not what my feminine self would have chosen if I had really acknowledged her existence. I’ve made peace, no more denial, no more guilt, but I have to wear a man’s clothes part of every day until I retire. Yet I am only happy when I am playing my feminine role, cooking for a man, pleasing him, pampering him — I could have been happy like that for my whole life. Moral of story: The sooner you find and start living the whole truth of who you are, the better, and yah, be ready in case you surprise yourself!