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Stochastic Musings — The Body and Other Musings

| Dec 7, 2009
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Kalina talks about the body, the body, and more body, the Barry, the baggy, the hairy, the scruffy, the androgyny, the clublife, and more.

kalina_113009November 17’s Monday Night Tgirls party was filled with lots of new faces. An older black gentleman named Barry tried to woo me. “The first time you met me, I was dressed as a woman at a Renaissance meeting many years ago, but I came dressed as a man today because I wanted to have a chance with you,” he said. Hmmm… nowhere did I say I was available or preferred crossdressers! If I was available, I’d never want another transgender girl because I’m a transgender girl and I have enough issues of my own to deal with!

“The more I read about you, the more I couldn’t believe that someone like you existed and accomplished all that you did,” Barry said, “and I thought it was all lies until I did my research and found out it was all true.”

As he said this, someone walked by to congratulate me on my photo gallery at the William Way Community Center, my newest accomplishment.

“It’s sad when tgirls lie about themselves,” I said to Barry. He agreed. Barry complimented my hair and mentioned he liked real hair.

“Are you attached?” he asked. I nodded and he looked dejected. “Do you know any of the other girls here?” he asked.

“I know all of them… I can introduce you to that girl over there,” I said.

“No, no, no, I’ve seen her before and she’s not my type,” he said. For some odd reason, I’m most guys’ “type” and any girl I recommend never ends up being their type, because a lot of guys want slender-femmes with hair. I excused myself to say hi to others.

kali_angelaThe original sexy vampire herself, Angela Gardner, paid our party a visit. Be sure to check out her web site for a fun party to go to every other Saturday night! I also met a fun couple that was celebrating their one-year anniversary together. The man was an information technology professional like me. The woman was an accountant. Both of them admitted to being bisexual.

“I wouldn’t mind being with you; you’re pretty!” the woman said. Upon reviewing the pictures, I noticed she wasn’t wearing any underwear! Three drinks from three different people… it was a fun night. Green eyeshadow, like blue eyeshadow from two weeks ago, looks good on me.

My primary objective these days is to wear boy clothes and still have people believe that I’m a woman. The baggy turtleneck I wore at Sunday brunch was, in fact, a men’s Hugo Boss turtleneck. The fur-lined hoodie I’m wearing this season is, in fact, a men’s Armani Exchange hoodie. I tell people that and they say, “Yeah, right.” In case you don’t believe me, this is what the hoodie looks like on your average genetic male. I’m not sure how many macho guys would be willing to wear fur-lined hoodies, since the very concept of a hoodie is female-oriented, but if people think I’m wearing a woman’s coat, so be it.


I also love Polo clothes and I have no problems wearing men’s stuff. Hugo Boss, Armani Exchange, and Polo clothes are very popular with gays and metrosexuals, so it’s not a far off notion to believe that women would wear some of these clothes. In fact, I know women who do just that.

I don’t advocate hoodies for everyone because, for some trannies, it just doesn’t fit their look or style. I wear boy jeans and boy sneakers and I’m still a ma’am to a lot of people perhaps because everything I usually wear during the day is oversized and hangs off of me. Subconsciously, without knowing it, I stumbled onto something that works for me. If I wore women’s clothes, that would force someone to consider me to be a woman before thinking about it. In that case, being called “ma’am” is expected and no big deal. It’s a response that a novice would get off on and boast to all her friends. By wearing men’s clothes, someone would have to be convinced of my gender first and if he or she believes I’m female, then that is proof that I’m truly passable. Think about it… a woman still looks like a woman even if she’s wearing men’s clothes!

My third and fourth assignments in The Body and Photography course I’m taking focus on the male body and extreme expression. We had one less week to capture and prepare images for each of these assignments, so I was in a panic mode on Halloween weekend because I didn’t know how to approach the male body assignment.

minnie2Then my lightbulb suddenly came on and I did what I always do best: improvise. I thought about the concept of photographer-model interaction and based my images on that. My friend Jake was willing to be the male model in the project, so I captured a number of provocative images of him being teased by me. The class loved them, saying that this was my most successful project to date. “All of your previous work was studio-based, but you took this project to the next level by using a real setting, the supercharged atmosphere of a hotel room,” the professor commented.

reflections_previewMy fourth assignment opened a lot of eyes. My body was completely healed from the effects of pneumonia back in September and most of October and now was the time to let my body shine in my project, so I captured images of my body from all different angles and created a series of 15 mirrored and kaleidoscopic images from my source material.

“Whoa! Your boobs aren’t that big,” my photographer friend Kristin said. “I know because I took pictures of you for your first assignment.” I had to show her the original photos to prove that they were. “Six pounds of weight can make a huge difference,” I said. Any students still calling me “he” in my class now had to really think about the pronoun. It’s easier to just say “she” in my case even if I present myself in a totally androgynous way. (Click on Reflections on my photo gallery page to see the images.)

A graduate student, whom I hadn’t seen in over a year, stopped by to see me one day.

“Oh, my god, you grew out your hair! It’s so hot!” she exclaimed, making a sizzling hot gesture. Compliments from cute Asian girls are always appreciated.

My friend Ryan is working on a video game with me as one of its characters. He’s been shopping around for a graphic artist for a while now and finally found one. The artist saw my picture and said, “Wow! Hot Asian!” Then his wife comes over and says she agrees.   Ryan sent him a couple more pictures of me to help him with his designs. “WHOA! These are hot! If my wife sees me looking at these, she will kill me!” he said.

My wife remarked that I look dramatically different now than before I started hormones in 2003. My parents said the same. Of all the people in the world, they should know.

“It’s not just your hair, but your face is different now. It’s rounder and fuller,” my wife said.

My father didn’t even recognize me in my wedding photo. “Who’s that?” he asked. I told him it was me and he had to study it more carefully before convincing himself of it.

Now, why would I hang someone else’s wedding picture up on my foyer wall?

When I look at myself in the mirror every day, I don’t see any changes. I see the same person every day, perhaps with longer hair than before, but pictures tell a different story. My old boy pictures always showed a bit of scruffy on my face, the silly goatee I was trying to grow, but never could because I didn’t have enough hair on my face. Most of my eyebrow hairs aren’t growing back these days, not because of hormone usage, but because I’ve plucked them over a thousand times. My nose, which I always thought was big, looks smaller now because my face is fuller.

When I weighed 118 to 126 prior to hormones, I was a skinny guy. I looked like a skinny guy in drag like a lot of transsexuals in their first three years on hormones. The real changes don’t occur until after the initial period, which might be anywhere from three to four years depending on the person, but a lot of transsexuals are impatient and get breast implants and facial surgery to alter what they couldn’t wait for nature to transform. They end up fucking up their look and regretting it later on.

Happy holidays, everyone! I hope everyone enjoys their time with their families and friends. To all the girls out there, an important thing to keep in mind… Eat like a lady and not like a man. Don’t stuff yourself with holiday food. Turkey isn’t that good and neither is mashed potatoes. Exercise moderation if you intend to lose weight in the fall and winter months. There will be plenty of tempting, holiday meals placed in front of you and the more you refrain from stuffing yourself, the better chance you will have of managing your weight.

kalina_artgalleryIf you’re in Philadelphia on Friday, December 11, 2009, then please come to my artist talk at the William Way Community Center, 1315 Spruce Street, Philadelphia at 7pm. We will be discussing my photo gallery that is currently on display called “Clublife.” “Clublife” is on display from November 9, 2009 to December 31, 2009. See my gallery page for more details.

dp120409If you’re on the University of Pennsylvania campus, be sure to check out the group exhibition I’m a part of. The show is called “XXY: This is Not Pornography” and made the front page of The Daily Pennsylvanian. The show runs until Friday, December 11, 2009.

Stay tuned, girlies, because I’m going to be introducing a new forum soon with sections on shopping, etiquette, fitness, and tgirl admirer ratings! The latter will give us girls a chance to sound off on all of the losers and cheapskates out there. Uncouth, sex-starved tgirls will also be included.

passableAll of my books make great holiday gifts for yourself or others. Learn everything from makeup techniques to deportment to passability. These are the same books that thousands of crossdressers and transsexuals have learned from and now you can learn from them, too!

Are you ready to learn the secrets to becoming super glamorous and super passable? Just order copies of my videos, Secrets to an Awesome Makeover, Natural Makeup Techniques, and Totally Natural available here.

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Category: Transgender Fun & Entertainment, Transgender Opinion


About the Author ()

I've been active in the transgender community since 1991 and living as a full-time woman since 2010. My books are internationally recognized as some of the best makeup and transformation books for male-to-female crossdressers and transsexuals. Each book is chock full of good information and some have stories that will inspire you to be the best woman that you can be. More than just makeup and transformation books, they are sources of inspiration and portals into my life as a transgender woman. Over 3,000 women just like you have learned from these books, many of whom have gone on to become beautiful, passable, and successful in whatever they do!

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