No Bad News, Please

People never want to hear bad news. There is enough of it in the world. People never want to hear about problems, or pain, or struggle. There has been a lot of bad news lately for many people. Bad news is as much a part of life as good news. My Steelers just got shellacked again by the damn Patriots. This makes 3 times now that they have prevented us from going to the SuperBowl.  That is bad news for me, and for everyone back in Pittsburgh. That is one somber city right now, I know.

But, there is always good news going on. Somebody is happy that their team is going to the SuperBowl… for like the 100^th time. Yawn! Pardon my bitterness. Somebody could have just gotten news that they got accepted to a great a prestigious school, or someone just got a big raise. Good news and bad news happens all day, every day.

That’s why, when I write about my life, I don’t sugar-coat it. Of course, I don’t tell you everything. The fact is, there is not much good going on in my life right now. What good there is, is small. When I was asked to start writing this column, I was new to California and fresh off of a cross-country trip and a couple of detours to get here. I remember being excited about my new surroundings.

It didn’t take too long to realize that it was going to be harder here than I expected. I wrote about my adventures in Californication. I still am to this day. I tell the truth as I see it through the lenses of my eyes and my experiences. I try to paint a picture of what I experience on a daily basis so others can make their own judgments. I feel this is an important venture. People perceive the Bay Area to be a panacea of LGBT dreams and hopes. People fantasize about the adventure and glamor of California.

Believe me, I want to be writing about a new, awesome job I got that lets me afford a new apartment of my own. I want to write about how I met a wonderful girl with whom I can share my life,  and how we are taking drives down the Pacific Coast Highway together. I want to write about how I feel so great and strong and have my GRS scheduled and awaiting my date to arrive. I’d love to write about those things.

But, the truth is, those things are not happening. They were all in the original plan for California. The truth is, I am still battling anxiety every day. I still live far away from seemingly everything in the “good” part of the ghetto. I am still at the same retail job, and I have no one in my life to share with. Those are the facts, Jack.

I know I really don’t mesh well with California. I am a moderate and being around so much bleeding heart liberalism can be exhausting. Everything has to be hyper-PC, inclusive, non-discriminatory, non-offensive, non-threatening, non-challenging, scent free, vegan approved, conflict free and regulated. Restrictions were never my forte. I like to be free to be me.

I find it amazing that I get so much support from all over the country from relative strangers and it’s like pulling teeth to get it here. No one wants to bother with the girl with bad news. They are much too busy trying to survive and pay the rent, which is quite high. I have just not felt the love here. Oh, I have tried support groups as I have done before. Rarely does the support continue past the walls of the LGBT center. Everyone goes back to fight the Battle the Gentrification that is being waged in every valley between the rugged hills and mountains.

I have a couple of friends here and they are the original two that helped me land here. They gave me a floor to sleep on with my air mattress while I figured things out. I am forever grateful. But, they have their lives too. They are both parents raising children in a divorced family. They have enough to worry about. There are two others that also are raising families similarly, but I rarely hear from one and the other never messages me unless I message. Another friend is a musician, like me, and it’s fun when I visit. I should try to do more. But it’s hard to find time with her working days and me nights. That is another problem.

Since the beginning of transition in 2011, it’s never been a problem meeting people. Yes, my ex-partner had a lot to do with that, but I was the one who struck out on my own and found people online which led to meeting people in the DC area who were part of a group. I found them all to be pretty warm and still know a few. I met my ex-partner through that group. I gravitated to her because she was real, friendly and warm. When we went to South Carolina, I attended a group and met more warm, friendly people who wanted to connect and support. I amassed quite a bit of genuine, warm friends up and down the East Coast. I got used to that dynamic.

Now, here, I don’t feel I have that. I feel isolated. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. But that just it, it shouldn’t be so hard. It was never hard before. I loved that. I miss making friends easily. I also miss my ex-partner. She was always there for me when others were not. Even after we split, we maintained a great relationship. I’ve tried to find someone here that will accompany me in this life to make it not so bad. None of the candidates ever panned out. Get it? Panned out….? 49ers? Gold? Ha?

So, I am still contemplating giving up this California Dream and going somewhere else, perhaps back home…perhaps just back to the East. One can only take so much ya know? I have probably taken much, much more than I should have. I’d love to have my own place again, away from my problematic roommates and landlady. I want to feel good again. I want to write about my good news. Everyone loves good news, right? I just need love and support to get there.

Tags: featured, homesick, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul