Knock, Knock! Open the Closet Door — Let the Truth Shine In
Dear New TG Friends,
Sex and gender are among the globe’s hottest “it” topics. Every new day marks a sizzling headline featuring a crossdressing, transgender, or transsexual experience. Canadian beauty queen Jenna Talackova, Chinese dance sensation Jin Xing, and everyday heroines and heroes are standing up to be recognized and replacing the go-to, laughably misunderstood stereotypes too often referred to in the past.
Don’t we want to know what’s really going on? Isn’t it more beneficial to understand the true underpinnings and challenges related to crossdressing and gender identity? As the ex-wife of a crossdresser, I obviously find it highly insulting when the media perpetuates lazy, untruthful myths about crossdressers. What has always been missing is the naked truth.
In a word, crossdressing is complicated. How one deals with crossdressing determines whether or not the experience proves harmless or induces grandiose pain. In a world quick to judge or condemn, keeping secrets may seem to be the safest alternative, but for how long? Forever? At what cost? Wouldn’t you want to tell the truth and be free of the shadowy burdens of secrecy?
Many male, heterosexual, married crossdressers have shared with me that they don’t know how to disclose a truth they see as shameful to their wives, partners, or families. Many crossdressers’ wives have divulged that they secretly know all about their husbands’ secret but are too afraid to say anything. Like too many of us, I discovered the truth about my crossdressing husband years after we exchanged wedding vows. I believe a relationship without truth has little chance of achieving happily ever after.
Having lived a life in the shadows, I know what it’s like to have people on the outside not see what’s really going on behind closed doors. At times, I was certain I was due to unravel. No matter where you might be in your journey, of all the thorny options confronting you, honesty may be the first step towards rebuilding a life based on the solid foundations of truth and understanding.
Like many of us, I wanted to be part of the solution. Sharing my experience, I thought, could help pave a safer path for those trailing behind me. So, back in 2006, I founded my non-profit, Cross Dressers Wives, and its website, crossdresserswives.com. Today, my mission remains simple: to help educate and guide crossdressers’ wives — and society — toward a deeper understanding of an issue that needlessly ripped my marriage, family, and life to absolute smithereens. I wanted to help erase all liability of shame and eradicate any desire for secrecy. Now, once again, this rare opportunity to speak up and be heard is knocking at my door. Or is it our door?
I have been approached by a top production company about collaborating on a very special documentary series focusing on people who struggle with crossdressing in their marriage, relationship, or family. Yes, some marriages are happy and trouble-free but unfortunately, they do not represent the norm. I am only asking for people to come forward who seek genuine help and want healing.
If you need help telling your loved ones about your situation — either from a crossdresser or crossdresser’s wife point of view — the very best expert medical guidance will be made available to you. This will be a safe, respectful environment with the goal of achieving answers and resolution, not ripping lives apart.
This project is non-exploitative and will treat each participant with the utmost sensitivity and respect. If you or someone you know is interested in participating and or appearing on TV (possibly in disguise) please contact me directly via email.
Please briefly tell me about yourself, the nature of your experience with crossdressing, and how it has affected your life. Be sure to include your phone number, city, and state where you live. Thank you for your interest in this unprecedented new project! I look forward to hearing from you.
Blessings & Gratitude,
Dee
Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion
About the Author (Author Profile)
Dee A. Levy is the former spouse of a crossdresser. She has a BA in Women Studies and MA in Social Sciences and Comparative Education. She is the author of The Cross Dresser's Wife -- Our Secret Lives, available at Amazon.com, Kindle, Barnes and Noble, & www.crossdresserswives.com.Subscribe
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Dee,
An excellent piece and I wish you luck with the project. It would be very nice if a fair and honest piece were put together showing the trials and tribulations as well as the joys and pleasures found in relationships involving CDs.
Starting with ga_thinker the string of comments was excellent and well thought out. I am not sure where I stand. I see that there is a history that supports a pessimistic outcome but I do like to think that ‘hope springs eternal’.
Good luck, again.
Pat
I deal with filmmakers a lot. Like journalists, they have their own agenda, and they intend to control the story they tell. So you’re giving up a lot if you convey intimate information that you can’t take back. In my regular, closeted, work life, I would never deal with a filmmaker without at least watching some of their previous films and having a lot of discussion about what they want to do and what message they want to convey. Opening up a marriage that deals with secret cross-dressing would take a lot more trust than one gets from the mere assurance that this is a top production company. Filmmakers find it easy to convince themselves that they are exploring important issues with great sensitivity and honoring their subjects when the resulting film is anything but.
“This project is non-exploitative. . .”
Uh-huh. (Running as fast as I can from this thread.)
As television, this sounds as exciting as toast.
I think it might help to be more precise about cross dressing and marriage. In this case the issue is not that the genetic male self identifies as a female or is gay. The mate that Dee presents is a male who enjoys wearing clothing designed for women and simply that. He is a good husband and father and self identifies as male.
It is possible for either gender to cross dress and do it with style. There is nothing about this activity that one has to apologize or seek “medical guidence” for. I think a television production might find this a lucrative theme if properly presented. Of course, this would be a commercial adventure and not an altruistic one.
I’m curious about the statement “our main issues don’t have to do with crossdressing”. It implies it is an “issue”-albeit not the main one. I get the impression that this also implies the cross dressing behavior is simply tolerated and an emotional annoyance-and possibly a social status stain. I have the opinion that negative reaction to cross dressing is a product of ego.
Dee,
I think everyone here knows your story and what you went through. I’m a married, bisexual crossdresser, and I let her know up front who I was. That being said, being married to a crossdresser is difficult. In 2012, the spectrum of being trans is obviously wide. Some of us live part time en femme, some full time, some one day a month, some of us are on hormones and don’t want SRS, some of us pass and are out, others not.
I think Angela and Joann are probably correct in assuming the goal is exploiting us, not creating a positive story. Good news is rarely news.
I can understand you wanting other wives to avoid the pain you have suffered but unless a potential date point blank asks her prospective spouse, “Are you a crossdresser?” How else is this deep secret revealed unless volunteered?
As someone who has been on many television shows and in one film documentary (All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Go), I can tell you that the production company does NOT have your best interest at heart. They are looking for a product to sell and they’ll do whatever it takes to sell it. The more sensational the better. Ask Angela about the Morton Downey Jr. show she was on. You are about to be exploited, trust me.
I didn’t pickup earlier on the medical intervention bit so I’m glad that ga_thinker did. What we don’t need is some quack doctor who thinks he knows all about gender issues-please no Dr Phils. If you are going to put your story on national TV, then recognized gender therapists known to our community need to be part of the intervention. Good questions. Hopefully some of this was made known to you, Dee.
Dee,
Genetic female partner of a crossdressher here – the only one, besides yourself I think, involved in these discussions.
I have followed your posts and the conversations that have ensued with interest. I have often posted too late myself to make much of a contribution to the discussion. My relationship has its ups and downs but generally isn’t very dramatic – and our main issues don’t have to do with crossdressing. I am also an academic social scientists, which certainly influences my reaction to your proposal.
I would feel better about this project if there were more transparency (name this “top production company”) and if the aim were to illuminate lives of couples with CD in their relationships across the board, not just those who are struggling.
I agree the crossdressing and other aspects of variance from social accepted gender norms, and gender transcendence, are complex. I do not believe there is one truth, much less a “naked truth,” which I find a rather sensational turn of phrase in the context. We don’t in fact know what proportion of relationships involving CDing are “trouble-free” or how this proportion compares to relationships generally. People who post on forums like yours tend to be those who are troubled and who find consolation in exchanges with other troubled people. Much of the published literature is based on people in counseling, and usually people go to counseling because they are in pain. Again, we do not know how representative this population is of CDers in general. Those less troubled don’t go to practioners who turn them into book subjects – but then the ones most ashamed may not seek help either. We really don’t know.
It seems your assumption is that crossdressing is best addressed through medical intervention. That assumption is increasingly being questioned in the literature. Who are the experts participating,and what are their backgrounds and credentials with regards to CD? Again, transparency would help potential participants assess the ethics of this venture.
What would be the motives of any production company in producing such a show? What audience would they expect to attract? What sponsors? How would they attract them, and how can that be expected to affect the show? What control will participants have over how they are shown on the show?
I am sure my academic roots are showing here. I will follow this project with interest to see how it develops.
Dee, cross dressing is harmless. But the reaction of others to it is not harmless. It’s the reaction that does damage. Clearly, if a cross dresser has reason to believe that he’ll lose his wife or be subjected to “medical guidance” then he’ll have reason to be as secretive as possible.
The wedding vows you took, did they include “in sickness or in health, for better or worse”?
I can well understand that a cross dressing husbands more often than not turn their wives off sexually. They should tell their husbands this. They have a right to say if you cross dress they’ll be no huggy. Believe me, he will compromise. However, the danger of this is that he might find a bed mate that is turned on be his cross dressing. Then what?