Covid Conundrum

As of this writing, it’s been a full year since the Covid lockdown began. In that time, the U.S. lost over 560,000 lives (over 400,000 of which could’ve been avoided with swift action according to studies — that blood is all on 45’s hands.) On a more local level, so many events cancelled, including two years of the Keystone Conference. Another TG event that’s been missing is Angela’s Laptop Lounge (disclosure — that’s run by the editor of this website.) Laptop is just one of many TG events that went dark over the past year. Many will return — hopefully soon — but some won’t. For example, The Raven in New Hope, Pa. is now slated to be a parking lot.

Still, I’ll use Laptop as my example, as that’s the one that applies to me, and I’m the one writing this. So there. Nyah.

A couple of weeks ago, I marked seven years of living my Truth. Many times I’ve wondered if I made the right decision. Before I started transition (and was thrown out of my home), I was able to be Sophie once a month. The whole month, I’d plan outfits, save up money, make reservations at Motel 6 and at True Colors Makeup Artistry, and anticipate. I lived for that one night a month — that night when I could let the woman inside out to play. On that night, I’d see my friends who Understood — I didn’t have to explain what was driving me from inside. They knew. During those nights, I’d reconnect with dear friends who I only knew as women, and I wouldn’t have known in their male camouflage.

The other day, I was texting with the legendary Amanda Richards, whose business was forced closed by the pandemic. Yes, she plans to reopen when she can. In any case, we talked about what this closure meant to so many transgender women she helped over time. I wasn’t the only one who had to wait for their “outlet.”

In some ways, I’m fortunate. When I transitioned and declared my Truth to the world, I enabled myself to be Sophie 24/7. But before that. . .what if this pandemic happened 10 years ago? In 2011, I was still only able to go out once a month. In April 2011, Laptop was still at a place called Blue Pacific in the King of prussia Mall. I wore jeans and a striped top — and it was a significant night. It was the first time I went to the mall as Sophie. (I wrote about it here.) Back then, Laptop was twice a month, but I couldn’t make the usual 3^rd week, so I went first week. Even then, I HAD to have that one night.

What if I couldn’t? What if I had to keep Sophie locked away for a whole year? Many times, I written about the Pink Hangover, which is that feeling after a trans event where you felt horrible having to return to drab. It was especially bad after conferences. Many of you know of what I speak. Would it have been a year of that?

(Dr. Dana Bevan wrote an article about this very thing on TGF, here.)

Normally I’d ask my readers “how are you coping with it?” but no one ever comments, so I won’t bother.

What would I have done instead to alleviate the pain of being drab? Would I have risked dressing at home? Rented a hotel room just to dress there?

I really don’t know.

I’ve thought about it for a few days, and still have no answer. Part of the pleasure of the night was the thrill of doing something “wrong” that most of my friends would be shocked by (as demonstrated by the 90% friend loss when I transitioned.) There’s no substitute for that — instead of thrill, it’s now fear: the fear of going somewhere that I’d be attacked.

Times have changed radically in ten years, and not for the better. The people who hate us are bolder and more violent, and not just to us. If we had competent leadership, perhaps the quarantine wouldn’t have lasted so long. If people grew up and wore a mask, maybe it’d be history by now. In any case, the person I was ten years ago is long gone. I can’t say I miss him. But I miss my sisters who I saw once a month.

Stay safe and be well.

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Tags: featured, Identity, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion