Reply To: General Discussion of Transgender Issues
I used to pray to god I was a girl and then….
Hi there, my name is Aura. And I identify as a human being. I say human being because that is what I am, what we all are. But also because I don’t know what I identify as.
All my life I prayed to god to turn me into a girl. I grew up loving all the Disney Princesses, playing video games only if I could play as the girls. Wrapping a towel over my head and pretending it was my hair. Even having my cousin dress me up as a girl at 7.
Then I hit my teenage years… I was pulled away from my friendship group. My cousin moved away. My Dad tried to toughen me up through boxing, weight lifting and I started hanging around with guys.
I loved weight lifting, I loved boxing. It was the cardiovascular feeling that I felt. I suppose Being a female isn’t to be a certain way. We are all different.
I was also a computer nerd and played a lot of online games. And even got a job as a 2D Pixel Artist – whilst Catfishing as a girl at 16. It ended very badly. The girl I was Catfishing as was my sister whom supported me afterwards for many years. When I finally stopped Catfishing (aged 11-16), I stopped playing games altogether and opened up to my family. I wanted to transition. My sister and my Mum encouraged me to love the body and the face I was born with. The rejection from my Father also swayed me to remain as I was.. so I one day decided that if I am going to live as a male then I am going to be the best male I could ever possibly be. So later in my story. I came out as gay. I got my first boyfriend. I got a job as a Chef. I went to the gym weekly and became very fashionable, growing the biggest muscles I could grow and wearing the most stylish suits I could wear. And I loved myself!
Finally I started to online game again, but instead as myself. My real self. The boy face I had. And I became a leader of a group in a MMORPG game called Final Fantasy XIV. They loved me. I had friends and I wasn’t Catfishing anymore. I became an honest person.
Then I got into a domestically abusive relationship in which I escaped this year after 7 years of being trapped.
Now this year after being alone. Self reflecting. I have dressed as a girl many times. I had what I would call a spiritual awakening. And I changed my name to Aura. For me it isn’t about what I look like but what is on the inside. But sometimes this is contradicted. Because..
I wanted to be a girl my whole life. And now I can be. I have gotten into a relationship with an amazing man whom has provided me with Refuge and a safe place to transition. Whom is into trans girls. He is not gay, he doesn’t find me appealing when I’m in boy form. Only as a girl – but has made sacrifices and has been with me as a boy also.
This is added pressure to my journey. Because after all these years. Now, I do not know if I want to transition anymore. I grew to love myself as a boy. The body I was born with. So all of this year has consisted on me wanting to transition, to feeling completely different another day. I decided to lose all my muscle this year. And I feel good for it. One day I go out as a girl, the other I go out as a boy.
Still a deep part of me wants to transition. But another is struggling to let my boy form go… because I can’t go back. It is a big decision. My boyfriend now, he’s supportive and lets me be a boy sometimes… but this is added pressure. He treats me differently when I’m a boy. He looks forward to when I’m a girl. And he’s entitled to feel this way. I know what I’m in with. With him…
But with myself. I almost ended our relationship today because I need to go on this journey without anymore pressure. To be me no matter what that is. How do I know which path is the right one?
I just don’t know anymore.
Aura xo
