Reply To: How Do You Know if You Are Trans?
Crowned_queerHi, im 18 and my Name is Ahren. It is now, as I pass as a non-binary he/they pronouned individual and will be when I transition and proclaim myself with she/her pronouns if I ultimately decide to. So here’s the deal. When I was in elementary school I used to run around and tell everyone that I was born a girl and my female cousin and I would talk about how we had the same parts but that mines just grew out. At just this age I used to only watch my aunts and mom for how to behave. Never men. I copied everything they did, from the way they sat, to the way they ate food, to the way they painted their nails. And I used to have “runways” in my room where I would wait until the middle of the night to get completely naked and tuck my privates between my legs and strut to the door from the bed. Around 7 I started to grow leg hair and shaved it with my moms razors and shave cream. I never felt right being told to “man up” or that I was a boy or a guy. It just didn’t fit right in my head. Fast foward to high school. At 15 I had these identity crises where I would look in the mirror and get really upset and start crying because what I looked like in the mirror wasn’t me. I just remember KNOWING that my reflection was not me. When I was 17 I started doing “drag” and dressing up in my moms clothes while she was at one of my 6 brother’s football games or church. I would make entertaining videos as “her” to post on Instagram but in private I used to tuck my privates properly and wear my moms underwear and bras slightly padded and look at myself in the mirror and sit around the house as so. I moved out of my parents house and into my best friends house who gives me her clothes that she doesn’t wear and I dress like a woman for guys to have sex but only then and in my room in private. I never even thought about the possibility that I was a transgender woman until a friend introduced me to one of his transgender female friends a couple months ago and I just kind of loaded the thought into a deep pocket in my brain but now its intrusive and I think about it everyday. I look in the mirror and am absolutely disgusted with my body, its not soft or curvy enough and I dont have breasts and I dont want my penis and its all just ring and it makes me so confused and angry and sad at the same time. Everyday I struggle with this and my face is so masculine and I know the only way to fix it to be more feminine is with facial feminization surgery. I want to start hormones but dont have the money or the means to get to a counselor to prescribe it. So im just stuck and frustrated everyday. But the thought of coming out to my parents and them not accepting the idea that their oldest son is actually a woman makes me sick and feels impossible at the same time. I have a boyfriend and I told him that I think im a transgender woman and he said he would still stay with me so thats at least working for me. If anyone has any suggestions about what to do when I do get a job and get money and could possibly get on hormones id very much appreciate it. Do yall think I am a transgender woman? Does it sound like I am a transgender woman just un-transitioned yet? Am I just scared so my brain is making me doubt? I have no idea at this point anymore.
