Surrogate Shopper Available For Hire

“So Linda, what are you going to do now that you’ve joined the ranks of the unemployed?”

I was meeting my friend Tina for a coffee and ‘catch up’ at Starbucks.  She was referring to the fact that certain political events in Canada had led to the end of my most recent (and most lucrative) contract.

“You really know how to hurt a girl,” I replied, “no soft talk about the weather, no ‘how’s your family’, not even a ‘hi sweetie, I’m glad you could spare the time to see me.”

“What do you mean? I know you have plenty of time.” Tina continued the jabs which I know were meant in good spirit.

She and I share an interest in all things CD but she does not share my political views and she never approved of my late lamented contract.

“I’m enjoying the down time and the extra time I have to travel and be Linda.” I continued bringing her up-to-date on my latest adventures. However Tina wanted to look forward.

“What are you going to do next?” she demanded.

“Well, I’m going back out to Vancouver for another full week as Linda.”

“That won’t pay the bills.”

“It’ll help,” I said with a wink.

“Bull,” she retorted, “you would be like that wife who when her husband chided her that if she wanted more spending money she should go out and earn it. When she threatened him that she would earn it having it sex he said she was so ugly no man would pay to have sex with her.  She set out to prove him wrong. When she came back and showed him $201 he asked who’d given her one dollar, she said ‘they all did.’

“Ha, even that joke is getting old. No I have a new career in mind.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m going to offer my services as a surrogate shopper,” I said in triumph as if I’d just revealed the greatest idea since duct tape.

Tina looked at me strangely. “What the heck is a surrogate shopper?”

“Well it came to me in a flash.” I could have added ‘to make a short story long’ but Tina was used to my round about explanations. “The secret to a happy life, they say, is to find something you enjoy doing and get yourself paid to do it. I was thinking about that and what I enjoy doing when it occurred to me that one of the things Linda likes to do most is go shopping and trying on beautiful clothes. Wherever I go I’m always going to the nearest mall or power center and searching the racks at anything from Macy’s to Ross Dress for Less”

“Do you think some store is going to pay you to do that? Are you going to become a model?” Tina sounded typically skeptical.

“Not like that. You know how a lot of t-girls are shy about going in to stores to buy themselves nice outfits. Well I propose to go with them for moral support or if they don’t want to dress to go out they can play the ‘accommodating boyfriend’ along with me on a shopping trip while I try on outfits they might want to buy. They see how the dress looks like on a real person to see if they would like to buy it.”

“Sounds like a typically nutty Linda idea so it might work,” chimed in Tina, “but how will you find your first customer?”

“Actually, I’ve already had my first. It was a few years ago in Los Angeles but it went well.” I waited for Tina to ask me to tell her more but she sat silently sipping her coffee. I continued, “In those days the place to go for t-girls and their admirers was the Queen Mary on Ventura Blvd. in Studio City.  Many of us from out of town would stay at a nearby motel called the Sherman Oaks Inn. One day while I lounged around the motel pool getting a bikini tan line I probably didn’t need, I noticed a man leaning over the second floor balcony railing, looking my way. I remembered I’d seen him the night before sitting alone at the Queen Mary back bar.

“I smiled at him and said hello. He replied and asked how the water was. I said fine and suggested he come down and give it a try. He said he wasn’t much for swimming but he’d like to join me. I agreed. He brought some beer from his room and soon we were deep in conversation. He introduced himself as James and said he was from the mid-west. He had lots of questions for me about my life and my dressing. It worked out that he wanted to try a full transformation and go to the Queen Mary en femme.

“I told him that his moustach might be a giveaway and he chuckled that he was prepared to shave it off, that he had arranged for the nearby Jim Bridges Boutique to do a makeover that Saturday afternoon.

‘What are you going to do for clothes?’ I asked casually. He wasn’t sure.

“Well, I’m going over to the Glendale Galleria this afternoon. Why don’t you come along and you might get some ideas.”

“How did that work out?” Tina was becoming interested.

“It was fun. James agreed to drive and he very much fit the role of the perfect boyfriend. He opened doors for me. He was great to talk with and he listened to my life stories with interest. He was a bit taller but we were pretty well the same size. Before we left I suggested he try on a pair of my shoes and they fit well. I told him a pair of $15 shoes at Payless would be better than spending $100 at Jim Bridges (sorry, Jim). So we were to look for a pair of heels and a special occasion dress for him and for whatever my heart fancied for me.”

“You’re kidding me? You just met the guy and he was willing to go shopping with you and buy you something?”

“What can I say? Who can resist a pretty girl in a bikini? You must remember how strong one’s urges can get about dressing? Remember he’d spent the night before at the Queen Mary watching all us girls be the person he wanted to be. He told me it had driven him wild. I can relate to that.”

“Me too,” said Tina.

“Well we got to the Galleria and took a look through several dress shops. James was not too outgoing about what he wanted me to try on for him but he liked seeing me in different outfits. Then I took him to a shop for special occasion dresses.”

“Jessica McClintock?” asked Tina.

“You’ve been there? No, not that upscale.  I suggested quietly that I try on for him a nice stretchy black cocktail dress with beads and sequins. I remember it had a high neckline which made it suitable to cover the chest hairs he didn’t want to remove. It also had a wonderfully flared skirt.  He agreed and when I came out to model it his eyes picked up noticeably. One of the sales associates must have noticed his interest and smelled a sale. She was all over me praising how I looked and asking James what he thought. He stammered how much he liked it. I think the girl read me and assumed we were a gay couple but she played it very straight asking if we were going to an Oscar party. I replied that we were and I wanted to look just right. She told me that was the dress to wear.

“I’ll buy it for her, James chipped in. He’d also played the role perfectly and made me feel like queen for a day.”

“Huh?” Tina asked. I’d forgotten that she was too young to have seen that old TV show.

“Once we had James’ dress we could get his shoes at Payless. No problem. I suggested a nice 2” pair of black patent leather pumps with a solid heel. I convinced him that was very important for his first evening in heels. I tried them on and James had his shoes. He suggested we take advantage of the BoGo sale to get me something I wanted. Done. We then visited a JC Penney to get him a bra, panties and panty hose.  Jim Bridges’ sales were going down but he still was going to make a fortune on the transformation, wig and breast forms.”

“So how did it all work out?” asked Tina.

“James became Jamie and was stunning. I think it was a bit overwhelming for him or her. Jamie found it a bit unnerving to be hit on for the first time. I kept an eye on her but she left a bit early.

“The next day was a Sunday. I was again out by the pool when the moustach-less James emerged from his room with his baggage and a little package.  After checking out at the hotel office he came over to sit down beside me. He described his evening, the thrill of dressing and the unusual feeling of being on the receiving end of male attention. I told him that he should always keep in mind that he is the one in control of his body and his feelings.

“Then it was time for him to head to the airport. He told me he had something for me. I was pretty sure I knew what it was. He explained that he couldn’t take his dress and shoes home so he wanted me to have them. I accepted on the assurance that ‘Jamie’ would soon be doing her own shopping.  However I wasn’t sure whether Jamie would ever be out again. It might have been that his curiosity had been satisfied and he’d find no need for further transformations. It may have been that Jim Bridges did such a good job it scared him.

“We didn’t have the Internet in those days so we didn’t keep in touch.”

“What happened to the lingerie?” asked the ever-perceptive Tina.

“I don’t know. They either went in to the garbage or he had found a way he could keep his wife from seeing them and he took them home. He had rented the wig and breasts from Jim. That’s why he’d left early the night before. Because of his flight he couldn’t wait until the next day to return them. ”

“You could have returned them for him,” suggested Tina.

“That’s what I said but James said that he couldn’t take the chance of anyone else seeing his receipt and finding out his full name. It seems he was some sort of national personality. He told me that if I were to see him on television in the near future I wasn’t to reveal to anyone that I knew him.”

Tina got very interested for a bit. “Did you see him?”

“No, I never did. Not that I ever looked for him. I thought at the time he might have been some sort of figure in the news but now I think he might have been in LA for a taping of Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune.”

“Just like you,” chided Tina, referring to my failed attempts to get on Jeopardy. “Well good luck with your new business. I’m sure there’s a niche market.”

“We’ll see,” I concluded, “however it goes financially, I’m sure I’ll meet some interesting people. Let’s go shopping.”

We left Starbucks and headed down the street to the mall.

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Category: Transgender Fun & Entertainment