Stochastic Musings: Kalina at the DMV

This month, Kalina describes her adventure at the Pennsylvania Department of TRANSportation Photo Center as she gets her new driver’s license photo ID card.

Just to show you that I practice what I preach, consider my advice from last month’s column:

“I tell the natural look trannies to focus on their eyes more than anything else. Line the eyes, wear light eyeshadows, and apply a single coat of mascara on the lashes. Add a little bit of blush and lip gloss and you’re all set. If you’re that girly-looking, omit the lip gloss, too. But then I talk about hair again and two-thirds of you with severe male pattern baldness will scowl at me, but here’s the truth. When you grow your own hair and style it appropriately, that truly cements the point home that you’re serious about being a woman and onlookers can easily see that. They will leave you alone.”

On February 18, 2009, I went to the downtown Philadelphia DMV to get my new driver’s license photo ID card. I styled my hair with pomade and used eyeliner and mascara to enhance my eyes. The finishing touch was a single coat of cherry Chapstick, which gives my lips a subtle pink hue and smells nice, too. My hair looked pretty good considering it was so windy and damp that day.

Waiting in line behind more than 30 people was boring, but worth the wait. I love my new driver’s license because my new photo now looks a lot more like me than my old photo. I got my pose right the first time, so I didn’t have to retake my photo. If I had to get my photo retaken because I didn’t like it, then it wouldn’t feel authentic to me and my aura would lose some of its mystique.

I still kept my sex as M and my height as five-foot-eight. The height I’m not worried about. Everyone knows I’m closer to five-foot-seven and you can meet me in person for proof. When I was 21, I was into bodybuilding and any guy who admitted he was under five-foot-eight was considered a midget, so I always said I was five-foot-eight to boost my self-esteem. I also gave myself a very masculine middle name, Kenneth, to convince myself that I was a he-man. My parents never gave me a middle name. I’ll correct this on my license someday.

The sex designation had me intrigued because the young man behind the counter asked me if all of the information was correct and I naturally said yes. I was ready to justify why it should be F, as I had my medical records on hand, but I kept thinking what a hassle it would be to obtain other forms of identification, such as a passport, how it would affect me if I ever got into an accident and a retarded paramedic or doctor refused to help me, and how it would affect my long-term situation at my job and the benefits I receive. It’s not like I siphon off of someone else’s medical insurance or earn peanut money and can switch jobs on a whim. I earn many times more than that and have a spouse and children to support.

It’s important to note that I pretty much look like this every day. That’s my own hair poofed out a little and my eyes minimally enhanced. I always wear Chapstick, especially in the winter months. (There is this new Chapstick with lip shimmer that you might want to try if you’re feeling bold enough. It’s a copy of Lipsyl with your choice of berry or tropical scents.) You might try wearing a wig for your new driver’s license picture, but if someone ever asks you to show your identification, how are you going to explain that your driver’s license picture looks nothing like you if you’re not full-time?

How many trannies in the world can honestly do what I did at the DMV, stand in the same line, and not get clocked? Remember that I didn’t go to a suburban DMV where I probably wouldn’t have to wait in line and the clerk looks bored waiting for people to show up. I didn’t have to wear a wig or even hair extensions for my driver’s license photo. I can only imagine the frustration of being asked to “please remove your wig, sir” at the photo ID center, something they can’t say to me because my hair is my own. Now you can see why looking androgynous is the single most powerful and versatile look you can have.  I became full-time my own way.

Most driver’s license photos look terrible because the person looks like she rolled out of bed. Oftentimes, the person is not ready to have her photo taken and the unsympathetic clerk will just snap the picture and make it your photo representation for the next four years. Here are some tips to avoid this situation for your next driver’s license photo:

• Practice smiling in front of a mirror. Hold that smile for at least 15 seconds. Get comfortable with the concept of smiling and showing your teeth. If you feel your teeth are crooked or yellow, don’t worry too much about it because the digital cameras used at driver’s license centers are not high-quality, so the details of your teeth will likely not be captured.
• Get your friends to take lots of pictures of you. Face pictures. Body pictures. Every type of picture where you’re smiling. Again, get comfortable with the concept of smiling and showing your teeth.
• Fix your hair on the day you get your driver’s license picture taken. Your hair will be the most noticeable part of your picture. Don’t worry about makeup too much. The digital cameras used at driver’s license centers are not high-quality so minute details of your face will likely not be captured. Unless you’re wearing dark purple eyeshadow and lipstick, a lot of details will just be lost in the picture. Notice that I didn’t even bother wearing eyeshadow or blush in my picture. I didn’t even wear lipstick. By the way, I never advocate wearing dark lipstick colors during the day unless you’re going for a retro high society woman look, but I have yet to see anyone pull this look off well.

Yes, you might still look like a boy in your driver’s license picture. You might also look a little like a girl, too. That’s what we’re aiming for. Over time, your look might change, especially if you tweeze your eyebrows regularly and permanently remove your facial hair. A great smile is the key to any successful feminine look, so dental work might be required. You might consider other avenues to get your face to look more feminine or androgynous, such as HRT and/or plastic surgery. Whatever road you take, please proceed with extreme caution and know that you have my support.

Are you ready to learn the secrets to becoming super glamorous and super passable? Just order copies of my videos, Secrets to an Awesome Makeover, Natural Makeup Techniques, and Totally Natural available here.

Category: Transgender How To, Transgender Opinion