If I Was a Woman & You Were a Man

The Artist D

I can’t say enough about the tough times the man that I am has had to deal with. He’s really taken the brunt of the trouble in my life. Let’s face it; he’s been the one who has been there most. He’s like the nerdy lover to the woman I also happen to be. He makes the money, pays the bills and she gets to just be fabulous. At least that’s how it seems when I take a nice long introspective look at the life and times of . . .

The boy got picked on in school a lot. It was the boy who had to be driven to suicidal tendencies and padded rooms. That poor fat kid couldn’t catch a break. That poor teenager hopped up on pills and liquor trying to drown the voices around him. Then there was me. There she was in all her fabulousness. Who knew a wig and a pair of heels could turn it all around? Well, they did say a new frock changes everything.

I was born transgender and I will always be transgender, but I have to wonder the many “what if’s” that a lot of us wonder. Sure, this is science to some and a lot of “us” are trapped in a body. I never felt trapped in a body. I felt trapped in a person who was rather unpopular. Then again how very unpopular of me to ponder where transgender stops and ego takes the stage. Was I more interested in becoming a woman to fulfill my ego? I can guarantee the boy would never have gotten this much attention or have found what love is.

When I put on that wig and became The Artist D I found my escape into Oz. I felt better because I looked better and people loved me. They loved me more than they loved him. While the science existed that I was a male feeling more female, I was also an unpopular geek wanting to be a supermodel. Would I dress as a woman just to get attention if I was not effeminate? I wouldn’t know the answer to that but I guess not. It doesn’t rule out the fact that part of me likes being a woman. It has always meant power and confidence to me. Looking like the woman I feel connected to has brought me to see myself. You can take that as some sort of comfort that transgender is as transgender does and it’s got more to do with it than ego may ever.

As I grow older I sometimes get swept up into corporate America and normal sheepdog society. That guy out there pounding the pavement and bringing in the money exists so she can thrive. The more he gets into the male role of worker bee the less like himself I find myself being. It’s a multiple personality disorder gone wild. At the end of the day he looks into the mirror and he’s just that guy. He’s unattractive to himself and a slave to the wage. Then I get that whim again. I shave off all the hair, put the dress back on and go have lunch with a girlfriend in Los Angeles. Suddenly I’m having fun again and I’m actually acting like someone with character. I am quite the character.

The older we get we’re supposed to become one, but I seem to be ripping in two. He has nothing to do with her and she wants nothing to do with him. I’m in the middle of a custody battle over myself. Here exists two minds and two bodies all for the price of one. He’s a nobody and wishes to stay that way much like the boy he once was. She wants all the attention because she deserves it.

It all came to me the other day when I did schedule that very lunch date. It took no time at all to decide what I was going to show up looking like. This time there was no shame involved. There was none of that wondering who would see me or what they would think. This time I’d be throwing on the wig and prancing myself up to the table as she often does. For the first time he didn’t even fit into the equation. He was going to stay at home.

I used to have long talks with myself before meeting friends. Should I go “as a woman” or go “as a man” as if I wasn’t either and both were Halloween costumes. They actually kind of were! Somewhere over time he has become so lackluster and she has become so much more of a true person that it has turned into a complete non-issue. This all may make you think I’m in quite the quandary running around as two completely different people, but in reality I finally know exactly who I am. Every one of me.

Who are you?

The Artist D is executive editor of Fourculture Magazine. He is also unearthing the underground as host of The Fabulous D Show every Sunday night at 7 PM EST . 

Tags: defining self, featured, personality, theartistd, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion